Friday, October 30, 2009

Jamie Bell vs. Wali Bell

Quick: Guess why Jamie Bell wants Wally Bell to pay her $2,695 in car damages? That's right: He threw a bucket of fish into the vehicle and crushed it all up. You know, so the stink really settled in.
Great, great start.
So, allow me to part with the P.C. path for a moment. I think it's necessary. What we have here is a case of Jungle Love (oh ee oh ee oh) gone awry.
One time, Wali called Jamie and told her she needed to rush home immediately. That her son had busted his head open. When she got there, she quickly noticed that Wali had opened a ketchup pack and put in on kiddie's head. This Wali, I like him. I like him a lot. He smirks when he denies rememberin' that incident. Meanwhile, Wali, who calls his white wife "cracka, cow, different things like that" says she's known around his work site as "the truth patrol" for showing up and axcing questions pertaining to where he be at. "I can't help being white," says Jamie.
No, Jamie, you can't.
Side note: Jamie sounds like that white chick from Flavor of Love who tries to sound black. What's her name? Becky Buckwild?
But Wali, he can't help being like that Michael Winslow guy from the Police Academy series, but without the skill of making all those funny noises. He's kind of entertaining, in an unentertaining way. Granted, that white chick is friggin' crazy, but Wali ain't gotta be stepping to her with the insults, neither. He should have thought about that before knocking her white ass up three times. Sorry. Truth.
Anyway, Wali's brother, Sir Bell, was brought into court. Sir Bell. That's f'in awesome. Well, Sir's all like "Jamie cray-zee. Wali oughta leave." But, brother ain't in the clear here neither. One time, Jamie paid Sir $20 to check up on whether Jamie was out with some other tramp. Sir did. Wali was. Jamie whooped dat ass.
"Your brother gave you up for twenty dollars," Judge Lynn said.
Lie detector time!!! Well, Wali may know how to beat the lie-detector test by holding his breath, which is why he volunteered to do so. So anyway, he lied about:
-- whether he been wit other women
-- whether he fathered another woman's child and
-- whether he cheated with more than eight women.
"Your honor, I don't know how it come up like that," sayeth Wali. "I 'idn't do it."
Then, he surreptitiously made noises as if a fire alarm was going off so Tackleberry could enter undetected and set things right.

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