Friday, October 30, 2009

Jamie Bell vs. Wali Bell

Quick: Guess why Jamie Bell wants Wally Bell to pay her $2,695 in car damages? That's right: He threw a bucket of fish into the vehicle and crushed it all up. You know, so the stink really settled in.
Great, great start.
So, allow me to part with the P.C. path for a moment. I think it's necessary. What we have here is a case of Jungle Love (oh ee oh ee oh) gone awry.
One time, Wali called Jamie and told her she needed to rush home immediately. That her son had busted his head open. When she got there, she quickly noticed that Wali had opened a ketchup pack and put in on kiddie's head. This Wali, I like him. I like him a lot. He smirks when he denies rememberin' that incident. Meanwhile, Wali, who calls his white wife "cracka, cow, different things like that" says she's known around his work site as "the truth patrol" for showing up and axcing questions pertaining to where he be at. "I can't help being white," says Jamie.
No, Jamie, you can't.
Side note: Jamie sounds like that white chick from Flavor of Love who tries to sound black. What's her name? Becky Buckwild?
But Wali, he can't help being like that Michael Winslow guy from the Police Academy series, but without the skill of making all those funny noises. He's kind of entertaining, in an unentertaining way. Granted, that white chick is friggin' crazy, but Wali ain't gotta be stepping to her with the insults, neither. He should have thought about that before knocking her white ass up three times. Sorry. Truth.
Anyway, Wali's brother, Sir Bell, was brought into court. Sir Bell. That's f'in awesome. Well, Sir's all like "Jamie cray-zee. Wali oughta leave." But, brother ain't in the clear here neither. One time, Jamie paid Sir $20 to check up on whether Jamie was out with some other tramp. Sir did. Wali was. Jamie whooped dat ass.
"Your brother gave you up for twenty dollars," Judge Lynn said.
Lie detector time!!! Well, Wali may know how to beat the lie-detector test by holding his breath, which is why he volunteered to do so. So anyway, he lied about:
-- whether he been wit other women
-- whether he fathered another woman's child and
-- whether he cheated with more than eight women.
"Your honor, I don't know how it come up like that," sayeth Wali. "I 'idn't do it."
Then, he surreptitiously made noises as if a fire alarm was going off so Tackleberry could enter undetected and set things right.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Todd Turner vs Shantae Turner

I ain't saying Shantae Turner is a gold digger. Shantae Turner is. Her husband is, too. I mean, she tells Judge Toler straight up that the love went cold when the money dried up, not to mention that she wants to give their child a credit card. When she turns five. F'real.
I mean, Shantae's looking fine, big ears notwithstanding. But Shantae a cheater, a wiry, squeaky cheater. Todd even got the dude she was cheatin wit on the horn ("She just that good. That's why I still mess around wit'er.") She "straight up tell me" about other dalliances. But he loved her so much, he forgave her. That was mistake No. 1 of many. Answering the why question about cheating, "It was fun at the time." When asked if she felt remorse, she said, "No." When asked why she stayed with Todd, "because he spoiled me rotten. I got to do whatever I want. ... I got anything and everything I wanted."
"I'm not a sugar daddy, your honor," came Todd's response.
Let's be honest, if not just to ourselves:
Shantae Turner is an outright whore. She probably likes the Yankees. She nails dudes in their apartment after kicking their kids out.
Asked what her problem with Todd's weight is, Outright Whore responded, "Ok, if he's on top, isn't he gonna squish me? C'mon, I'm only like a 100 pounds. ... He wouldn't pay for my boob job; I wanted one!"
Well allow me to speak for the men of America when I say 1) She needed "a boob job" and 2) She also needs a lips-sewn-shut, ears-reduction, morals and respectability jobs.
Sorry-ass tramp.
I said a prayer that the DNA tests would come back Todd's-not-the-dad of Tatiana and Thomas, spawn of an Outright Whore. Well, Tatiana was Todd's baby. And Thomas? Todd's too. Trapped. Sad.

Heather Hodges vs. Billy Hodges

First things first: Billy Hodges looks pure periwinkle pimp wearing Carolina blue from head to toe, and Heather Hodges followed what I consider to be a fantastic trend of ladies wearing lime-green up in the Divorce Court. Both are to be commended.
But that's where the commendations run dry, for Billy up and left Heather for LaVonda since, as per LaVonda, "I was giving him the love and attention that she wasn't giving him." Judge Lynn didn't like that much; she pointed out that LaVonda shouldn't be messing with the married men.
But then Billy brought the Case of the Missing $300 From the Joint Account up at Heather and Heather was all "No, I was not deliquent on a loan ... He wrote some bills that hasn't been paid and I got them right here." Billy done paid the gas bill in February, so yawn; Billy's got the blue shoes. Billy's got the props.
So anyway, Heather says she lost 30 pounds by "trying to go to the gym" or something like that. I think she went. I'm happy she lost the weight before the TV appearance. Well, lo and behold, LaVonda's brought into the courtroom. Turns out Billy-y-Heather's wedded bliss lasted 30 days. "My wife pushed me away. She didn't appreciate me. She didn't treat me like a man, like I deserve to be treated. And LaVonda gave me something that I was looking for. She spiced up my sexual life and just turned me to something ... I wasn't getting the respect, the honesty and my wife was stingy."
"I'm not no go-out person," said Heather. I think I know what that means but, hell, what's wrong with not not being no go-out person? Did I mention Heather wants $6,900 in transitional support? She even brought her cousin Toschia Thomas up to the podium for her take on Billy.
My attention just wandered away, though. Got bored with the quickness. This episode could've used some Cliff Lee action.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Nicole Sargent vs. DeLawrence Adley **Updated re: Shenanigans

Hey, these two look familiar! They were on Divorce Court last November when Judge Lynn told -- nay, berated -- Nicole to leave DeLawrence's triflin' ass. Well, she didn't. And, what do you know, 11 months later, they're back? Who'd have thunk it.
There are two interesting facets of this update ...
1) Nicole doused DeLawrence's clothes with lighter fluid and let it all burn because "once again, I was bamboozed, run amok and led astray, drug through the mud, by DeLawrence." It was her "Waiting to Exhale" moment. He proceeded to say he don't come around anymore, amid her "no child support" rampage, because he "don't like you."
2) This guy who came into the courtroom ...

... with what appear to be side of the Atlantic City Expressway mums or something. Well that doesn't take away from the fact that love most definitely in the Divorce Court air. Even though Nicole is legally still his wife -- this came up during a conversation about a five-year-old seeing DeLawrence, who Nicole deems an "Internet whore," strut out tha bathroom to git some -- this is a dude named Anthony Rudolph. He seems like an extra in Commando, though DeLawrence said he's more like a "burnt banana." While DeLawrence mocked and carried-on, Mr. Rudolph professed his protective love for Nicole.
Then, he proposed. I'll say it again:
And, before accepting, he said "Oooh, look at this Judge." After admiring the ring for a moment, she said she couldn't accept unless polygamy is legalized.
That is all for now.

From Facebook:
Magdalynn Pule Briones
I'm a long time fan of Divorce Court and am pretty disappointed with today's shows. The woman on the first showing, who had brought her 52-year-old boyfriend of 6 months, seemed to be in it for publicity, and then the next showing with the ...crazy woman and her cats?!?! Hope things get back to "normal" and that the guests remain real.

Divorce Court
Magdalynn, we do our best as a television show to ensure that all of our guests are real. We verify marriage licenses and spend a lot of time talking to the couples before we travel them to Los Angeles. With that being said, The Adley's did seem over-the-top and that is the very reason Judge Lynn dismissed their case.

Glenn Cloud vs. Rosalie Cloud

Well, this is a simple one.
Wife says hubby is a Mr. Know It All who'll argue even breastfeeding techniques with a woman who already breastfed a child. (In addition, he claimed that "decrepit" wasn't a real word when she used it. He fires back that she said "decripted.")
Husband, who is a 50-60-hour-a-week "salesman" seems like a total f*cking douchebag who is not nearly as smart as I am, says wife isn't a good housekeeper and that it isn't a full-time job if she stops to watch Divorce Court. He also says she's a nag. He also refuses to let her go out with him on his birthday.
Fine, she does seem a bit of a nag who wields annoyance like a dark-haired, fun-dampening, baby-with-another-dude scamp's broom, but all the nagging in the world doesn't make up for one thing: Her younger sister's number is saved in his cellphone under the name, "Fun Sex." He claimed a girl from work who had a crush on him put it in there to make Rosalie mad. Sure she did. There, there Glenn, a smart person would've come up with a believable excuse for that one.
Just a question: Are morons of this ilk really worthy of airtime?
No, I say.

Derek "Deacon" Holmes vs. Karla "Kheater" Holmes

Wow. Truth up front: This case was an honest, legitimate look at the pains of divorce not a jokey sort of one with all sorts of slurs being thrown about. Derek vs. Karla had the feel of a cleaned-up Dr. Phil, an Oprah-look at what happens when the man in the relationship tells the woman that he's gone if she cheats and, after she cheats, because she thought he was cheating, when he wasn't cheating, he leaves. In pain. Like an honest-to-goodness decent person.
Fine, there are some old school complaints. Derek says she stopped cleaning and catering to him after he put a ring on it. Karla says he turned all "deacon" and controlling and didn't like his friends. At issue: Her gay friends. She said he had a problem with them. He said he didn't have an issue with them, but with a flamboyance, the "just being loud" when they walk in the house and the baby's sleeping. Ain't a hate of a lifestyle, whatsoever.
Then, Karla says, "he thinks the woman's place is in the household." To which he says, "Well, to some degree, yes your Honor." Deacon thinks a woman should tend to her family, rather than the friends she'd already talked to all day. Point, Derek.
Even as they go 'round and 'round the divorcarosel, you can tell that these people are still in love with one another. (Another issue was "pop lockin and droppin" which Karla says she was doing even before they got married but Derek would appreciate some growing up going on.
A few fun facts:
-- Derek stays out late sometimes, like till 3 a.m., so Karla keeps locksets in the trunk of her car so she can change the locks to the house on a moment's notice.
-- Karla teared up, ripped up, eight of his suits, three pair of shoes and "three of my new hats." Then, she said she would have got the rest of it, but she had to go to work. She admits she felt better when she was done. But, she also accepts she has to work on her anger issues.
-- Karla explains that she actually loses weight when she's pregnant. She thought she looked good. Derek called her Miss Twiggy. "He married somebody thick." Judge Toler: "You like them thick." Derek: "Yes, Ma'am."
-- When Karla admitted to cheating, Toler told Derek he should've opened with that fact! "Told myself it was getting even with him, but I just felt low," she says.
-- She was pregnant three weeks later. Came clean. Damn conscience. "I couldn't wait nine months to find out" whose child it was," she says. If the DNA comes back not-him, Derek says he's altogether out the picture. But the DNA test came back Derek so he didn't even want to collect reimbursement for the ripped-up clothes.
The conclusion: He wants to take care of the kid, even if they must get divorced.
At which point, her honor declared, "Anybody looking, anybody paying attention, this is what a man is, this is what a man does. This is what we're looking for. Mr. Holmes, you the man. I don't know what else to say." Here here.
Now, I hope the next episode is back down in the trailer-park mud. I can't handle meaningful sh*t on Divorce Court too often.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Chris Morgason vs. Kristina Morgason

It takes a lot for me to be at a loss for words. But, I am right now.
I'll try to get you through it, though. Chris Morgason wants to leave Kristina Morgeson because he fell back in amour with his "first true love" Dusty. So, he was still with Dusty Sanders when he knocked Kristina up and he married her, but Dusty don't stop belieeeeeeevin that it ain't his damn kid. Meanwhile, Kristina wants a divorce because Chris -- who, really, look at the picture, should he be jugglin two bitches even if said bitches are of trailer-park stock? -- has left her 1, 2, 3 times for "Miss Nasty over there." Oh, snap.
As for the pregnancy, Chris has opted to go the black-out drunk route. "I was sitting in my room playing with my 'game station.' She brought alcohol in. I started drinking it. I got a little tipsy. And she just came from my sister's room, after visiting her. Came to my room, brought alcohol in there. I was sitting there. She was saying all obscenities and everything. She's wanting to do this. She's wanting to do that. That's all I remember."
Dude. Seriously? C'mon. Such a scoundrel. And a baby-denying scoundrel at that. Chris Morgason, you sicken me. And, Kristina and Dusty? You both do, too.
This is like a freakin' circus sideshow with carnies gangbanging on stage and reproducing, with imps and gremlins emerging from a Morgeson freak egg, inside of which they fully developed within three weeks.
Oh, then it gets into one of these two creatures having a "black baby." I tuned out at that point, because this crew probably uses different terminology when not on camera. (No, I don't mean bastard child, either.) And then, Kristina said they were still screwing about two months ago. There was also a mention of dead mothers coming up during post-baby-birth talk.
When will the madness end? Will ANYBODY think of the children?! (Including the one that ended up actually being Chris'. Sucka.)
I'm not one for binging and purging, but after seven minutes of this freakshow, I want to pull the trigger. That -- and that alone -- will make me feel better about humanity.

Mellanie Norwood vs. Richard Norwood vs. Grace-Ann

Well, well, well. Another case all about tha dogg.
Mellanie Norwood wants to leave Richard Norwood because he thinks she done cares about their rat-dog Grace Ann more than she cares about him. But Melanie, she says one time Grace-Ann tried to hump Richard's chest and he done tossed her 'cross the room. In fact, it might have been one of the times that Mellanie gave Grace-Ann some white wine. And that's wrong because?
"He loves her falsely," Mellanie says of Richard's relationship with Grace-Ann.
Like, one time when she got back from Bingo and found Grace-Ann soaking wet. Turns out she bit him, so he hit her and she was all layed out on the floor so he put her in the shower to try and wake her up. "The dog started acting like he had an Exorcist. I had to perform an Exorcist on this dog!" says Richard, who also complains that Mellanie gives the dog T-Bone and the husband hamburger meat. "The dog has insurance, and I didn't."
I'm gonna say it right here, right now: Richard Norwood is as pimp as Don the Magic Juan. I'd love to kick back with him sometime, talk dog-throwing shop and whatnot.
But, I am a bit concerned that, as per Mellanie, "Mr. Norwood is a licensed journeyman plumber, and he been plumbing somewhere else." She followed that statement up with an "Mmm Hmm" type look. If she hadn't have been holding Grace-Ann, methinks she'd have done that triple snap to assert dominance in said conversation. A lot of his dalliances occurred while Mellanie was playing Bingo. If I might run with that for a moment, "O-69, O-69. BINGO!"
In conclusion, Mellanie eavesdropped on a conversation with an elderly-woman customers in which said customer said, "I want you to bring me over one of them long brown cigars. You know the kind I like." ... "I know she was paying you for more than just the plumbing." To which Richard Norwood smirked in Judge Lynn's direction and raised his eyebrows, like a long brown cigar salesman would.

Michelle Hasan vs. Qaadir Hasan

Lyin' tramp.
Those are the words that came to mind when Qaadir Hassan went into intricate detail, explaining how his dame told him that this guy she was palling around with was her brother or something. You can imagine how Qaadir felt when he learned that dude who stayed at their house with an over-night bag was, in fact, her ex-boyfriend and that she had told him that Qaadir was a relative!
Allah, it seems, did NOT have his back for those four months.
I don't care: that alone knocks her out tha box for recovering the $1,571.34 she says her husband of eight years owes her.
You see, Qaadir is a true Muslim; doesn't respect the sex-before-marriage thing, particularly after sex before marriage resulted in a child out of wedlock. He clamped down, though, bringing some sexual tension into the mix once he met Michelle.
This guy seems mentally tight, not like most people in Judge Toler's courtroom. Michelle, too. Until Qaadir mentions that she misled him pre-marriage.
She said she was 21. She was 18. "I was legal, though," Michelle says. Respec'.
At least Michelle cops to being misleading. "Don't ask, don't tell," she says of why she didn't come clean about boyfriend-brother till after the vows was vowed.
So, Toler sums up the pre-court papers as leading her to believe that "sexual tension being at odds with your religious beliefs." Qaadir mmhm'd her. Michelle broke out the stance that "right after we got married that's when all the rules came out." I'm not delving down that philosophical route. Suffice it to say, she was doing "too much huggin' with too many guys." That, and Michelle wasn't allowed to drink and then she slid into some story about "some little girl at my door" told her Qaadir impregnated her. And, not that Qaadir thinks there's anything wrong with that, but Michelle used to party with her gay friends and, climbing a ladder to see into a party they was at, saw her cuddling with another man. "It's not like we were all hugged up, just sitting close to each other," she says.
I've had enough of this Holy War.
Lord have mercy.
Allah have mercy.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Aminah "Anti-SSBBWs" Cole-Howard vs. Stanley "Pro-SSBBWs" Howard

Aminah Cole-Howard wants to divorce Stanley Howard because Stanley Howard is obsessed with car-audio systems.
I don't care if he watches Youtube videos of car-audio systems. I don't care that he installed some hoopdie style in their daughter's Barbie car. Like he says, it's a way to get away from the daily grind, make a little coin on the side.
Aminah just mad that he spends time on something besides her bright-yella controllin' ass.
I would, too.
Any guy would.
Finding a hobby you love is kool and the gang in this day and age. Particularly when the ladyfolk try to control the joint finances to the point that she be spending the loot on the day Stanley get paid.
"It's not like I'm going to get my hair done, my feet done," says Aminah, who knows that it's ain't no joke if she don't pay those notes.
But, as proven in this case, it's those sub-hobbies that getcha in trouble.
"He also has an obsession with S.S.B.B.W.'s," Aminah noted. "BBW stands for big beautiful women."
Well, no shit. He wit your lap-banded ass, ain't he? But what's the S.S. all about? Don't TELL me that Nazi bigguns rock Stanley's socks!
"Big black women?!" asked Judge Toler. "I'm just trying to work it out.
Nope: Super-sized BBWs. All races and ethnicities. Pshew. ("Oh, ok, nothing wrong with that!" came Toler's retort.)
Yeah, so she caught him looked at internet photos of 400-plusses.
Represent, Stanley Howard.
Rep. Re. Sent.

Monday, October 19, 2009

A Divorce Courter Tells the "Whole Story"

You may remember Lori Tracy from last week's post about the severance of her relationship with Daymon Tracy. It had a lot to do with cats and screaming, my post did. Well, Lori saw it and wanted to respond.
Like any self-respecting journalist, I have opened my blog to a verbatim chronicling of what she had to say. The floor is Lori's ...

Ok, here it is. Daymon WAS a good man in his own right. A kind heart and a great bluffer. Bluffed so much that he had me fooled. We almost broke up cause he couldnt keep a job.

Then he started cleaning up his act and we got married. I had to do everything for him. I did all the cooking and all the cleaning. I am partially disabled and was in a wheelchair for a while so yes, I was unemployed for a bit. Even when I was in a wheelchair I still had to do all the cooking.

He claimed I put the cats before him and that is not true. The day he decided he didnt like it w/ me any more was when I had had enough and decided to stop babying him. I needed a partner, not a child. That is when he decided to look elsewhere.

He confided in everyone BUT me. All along he was lying to me about his love for me. He never wanted to try but have someone do all the work in life for him. He just wanted to watch video games and be w/ his buddy and watch movies. At one of our real court hearings, he even told the judge that he got in trouble at this last job because he was speeding "according to their standards". He was a school bus driver.

I am not the horrid person I portrayed. I was told he was leaving me while I was running a 102 fever. His original plan was to leave me while I was on vacation to a friends house. But that got canceled due to illness. He was planning on doing a grab and go. He was planning on leaving me penniless. He is a coward. He just wants a mommy and nothing else. She will get tired of him too but in the meantime, he is now her problem.

To be honest, Im glad its over. Yes, I love my cats with all my heart and at least they are honest about their love back and not a liar. I told him that I cannot tolerate liars or cheaters. He wants the good life but is not willing to work for it like everyone else. Even the real judge noticed that.

THATS the truth! I am not a vial person but a very tender hearted person who was harmed greatly by a man I gave my heart to.

If you have any questions at all or if anyone else does, i will gladly answer them

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Donald Bing vs Wannette Bing

Let's start this out with some full disclosure: Me and Donald Bing are Facebook friends. That's right. We cool.
And once I heard some of his ex-womanfolk's complaints, I knew why. Primarily, not only does she complain that Donald be "ghetto fabulous" -- Wannette says he owns a million and one white T-shirts, a million and one designer jeans and considerably more sneakers than he has feet --but check it:
Donald doesn't have one gold tooth. He got three gold teeth.
What she gone do 'bout the respect he gets fo that?
That's right, nothing.
So anyway, Donald's saying that the lights went out one time so he called the utility people and they told him it was because they didn't pay the bill. Then, he looked in the closet and found all these new clothes. That's right: She bought clothes 'stead of payin' that electricity note. And that ain't no joke.
Upon learning Wannette's wrecked three cars, Judge Lynn asked, "do you have a little bit of concern about your driving ability?" To which Wannette retorted, "No, ma'am, I don't."
"You think you drive fine, three wrecks is OK?"
Side note: One car didn't have any insurance on it because, sayeth Wannette, "I let it lapse."
From there, Donald explains that he "heard something from my family member that she had sex with my family member." The same family member is both. That's cold, Wannette. Ice f'in cold. Even if you deny it! And then you go and steal Donald's rims?!
The same Donald that moved to Atlanta to set up a new life for y'all? The same Donald that, in Judge Lynn's words, "put $1,500 rims on a $900 car." Aw yeah, livin the dream!
Sure, they were separated for a year when he heard another dude on her voicemail, and maybe it isn't all that good to be calling her phone 68 times n'shit. And, how separated is a couple that's still banging even though the lady half thinks they're separated? Not that separated at all, yo.
But Donald, Facebook friend to Facebook friend: Getchaself as far from Wannette as possible. Ain't nothing good come when you two around each other.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Jeannette Osbourne and Bob Osbourne

Ok, this is just a no-jokes episode.
Jeannette Osborne, at 5-foot-4 weighs about 90 pounds. She's up from 77 pounds. She's an admitted anorexic.
Bob Osborne weighs, well, he has a gut. He realized the wife had a problem when she sent him pictures of her arms and legs. Sounds weird. She wanted him to notice that something was wrong; said it started when her ballet instructor told her she was "curvy." She didn't want to be curvy, but always sees herself as bigger than she is.
Bob blames his unknowingness on denial, and layering. He noticed unusual eating habits but it didn't set off alarms.
Well, Jeannette says that Bob is consumed by his work selling RVs in Boise. "I've learned to not communicate on a lot of things," says Bob.
So anyway, Jeannette and Bob went to L.A. to try and save their marriage.
"That I would be important to him," is what Jeannette said when asked what she'd like to change.
"Damned if I do. Damned if I don't," Bob said. "If I ask her if she's hungry, it'll just start a fight."
I shudder to even pass judgment on this one, but the one thing I'll say is this: Ladies, if your husband isn't paying attention to you, starving yourself ranks at the bottom of the "How to change that" list. That said, anorexia effects the brain and self-image.
Even Bob admits that they both need help, albeit for different reasons.
I concur.
And I hope they work it out, for both of their sakes.
As a side note: Judge Toler had her taken to a ranch where such issues are addressed. Did a video chat with her 30 days later. She looked well on the road to recovery.
Public service time: The National Eating Disorders Association can be found here. The National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders Inc. is here. But people, don't let it get to the point that the Osbournes did. I can't handle another 22 minutes like that.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Levar "Stumblin' and a Mumblin" Moore vs Lenee "The Adultery Whisperer" Moore

Lenee wants her $3,000 alligator jacket back because husband Levar "is a dog" who "bought some girl a $200 watch." Levar wants to ditch the "loony tune" wife who tried to draw some Homeland Security attention on the plane en route to their Divorce Court appearance. (The FBI apparently stopped them when they got off the plane, but that story don't seem legit. Still, future Divorce Court contestants: DO NOT FLY TOGETHER.)
The hits just keep coming, though. Seems that Lenee sent some gunfire Levar's way when she wanted to know where he been. "I'm running out the house and I hear gunshot!" recounts Levar.
To which Lenee's all, "wasn't trying to hurt him, Just wanted to scare him. He was on the phone with some girl that he cheated on me with. I shot in the air."
Oh, it gets better. All aboard.

Lenee: "I have a gift from God in me. I told Him ... I said ... Look here ... I said ... I felt like something wasn't right ... I went to this, to this ... winding down the road ... I asked God to show me where this man was. He took me directly to this house. He isn't going to admit to it. His car was out there at the lady house. Just like I said. I knocked on the door."

Judge Lynn Toler: "So God gave you directions to the woman's house where he was at, where he was cheating?"

Lenee: "Mmmhmm. I ain't ever been there!"

Levar: "Mmhm. Mmhm. GPS. God's personal secret. Ok, just like when God sent her over to that girl's house. I guess God was dealing with her when God said 'Throw them can of pinto beans at 'er. 'Cause that's what she did. Was God talking still? I don't know if she stopped by the store or what on the way over. I just know I'm duckin' beans when I walk out the door. Ain't asked me no questions or nothing."

Toler (head in hand laughing): "Did ya throw pinto beans at the man?"

Lenee: "Naw, I ain't throw no pinto beans. That was baby's formula. I didn't throw it at him. I threw it because he was calling me 'Bs' and cusswords in front of this girl ... Don't disrespect me in front of this woman. If you wrong, you wrong. Leave the house. I'll yell at you."

Toler: "Why was you there?"

Levar: "We was studying."

Toler and Lenee simultaneously: "Studying what?!"

Lenee: "Studying How to Love?!"

Levar: "I can't remember the subject but... I'm in college."

Toler: "You were in college?"
Lenee: "She ain't in college."

Toler: "Was she in college with you?"

Levar: "Naw, she was just helping me a little bit."

Lenee: "Aww, helping you do what? Helping you do what? Helping you do what?"

Levar: "I'm just trying to touch up and get back. She already there."

Toler: "I'm trying to touch up and get back. What does that mean?"

Levar: "Well basically, I well, I was basically trying to, you know, she was just trying to help me out a little bit some things she knew better than I do."

Toler: "Is it true, Mr. Moore, that you're somewhat less than faithful to your wife?"

Lenee: "Whooo!"

Levar: "Being that this is a court of law, I thought you had to prove those kinds of things. And ... dig?"

Toler: "I hear what you're telling me. I do. But, I want to know, from you, have you been less than faithful to your wife?"

Lenee: (indiscernable sound of gotcha approval) "Talk!"

Levar: "It depends on what, um, no Ma'am. Faithful meaning? Yes, I have been faithful."

Lenee: "You been faithful to me Levar?"

Toler: "That is the worst lie I ever heard in my, I've had a five year old come up with a story better than that. You can't even get out the word, 'No.'"

Oh, if you want to weigh in on whether you believe Lenee psychic abilities are legit, the lines are open: 800.282.1991.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Lori Tracy vs Daymon Tracy

I knew this day would come. We all knew this day would come.
Yes, there was a Divorce Court case hinging on the fact that the lady of the duo likes her cats too much. I wish her name had been Cathy, but it was Lori Tracy. And Lori Tracy was suing for $1,223.46 for "cat support." Meanwhile, hubbo listed "she's crazy about cats" as the impetus for their parting. She retorted that he's "dumber than a box of rocks ... mama's boy." False pretenses drew her to the altar 2.5 years ago.
Matrix Lee and Pisces, those are the cats' names. They can't be more mouthy and annoying than their mom, whose yelling and hollering made me want to duct-tape either her mouth or my ears shut. My soul is pissed off at me for subjecting it to Lori and Daymon, even if her former "baby" Max died the day after they got married. She says that one of the cats would sit on Daymon's shoulder like a parakeet. Never, not even if I would live to 136 years old, would I have concocted that image in writing. I'll steal it, you wait and see.
So anyway, Lori told Judge Toler that Daymon cheated on her. He came home one day and said he met a new girl. She's 60. Under normal circumstances, I'd call it a foul. But nah, if it took a grandmama to take his mind off the scratching-chalkboard voice and a sleepwalking disorder in which she dressed a cat in Daymon's clothes and wanted to go shopping, so be it. Whether Lori Tracy is an honor student at the online university or not. She wants to become a prison psychologist. She broke out an ethics book to call Daymon out for his lyin' cheatin' ways.
The worst part of this all? Even though Daymon looks like the central-casting version of "Guy in Van at Playground Asking Kids to Help Him Find His Lost Puppy," I can't say that. Like yesterday with the dude whose biggin wife called him out for weight, I just feel sorry for him. The laughing audience, though, I'll bet they're still telling er-body they know about it.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Regina Harris vs Kent Harris; Regina Harris vs Her sister Christian Rogers

In a simple sense, Regina Harris wants to leave her husband Kent Harris because Kent Harris done went and knocked Regina Harris' sister Christian up.
Aw yeah.
So here's what Big Blue says by way of defense: Regina went from nice person to very disrespectful of "him being a man period, and that's something I just don't tolerate." Though he had high blood pressure before he got a two-year separation from Regina, he says his doctor told him it was better. This is a medical miracle.
Oh, also, Kent says Regina drove him to Christian, who was standing in the hallway with a profound baby bump. It's Kent's baby up in dat house. Kent seems to speak lovingly about Regina's sister. He seems happier. Regina, well Regina doesn't seem to be taking it very well. Her friend Tericka Thompson says she seen Kent Harris with his wife's sister a bunch of times. He says it ain't so. I reckon he's truth bending.
Kent went on to say that when Regina's mother was dying, she whispered into his ear to "take care of my babies." I'm morbidly fascinated by this, both if it happened or if he's actually making it up and can make it seem as if he didn't. I have some thinking to do on it.
Well, Christian testified. She stuttered a lot at first.
"I hated that it went down the way it did," Christian said, "but I can't control fate."
Springer-esque, I tell ya. Christian apologized (and concedes that her mother would be upset about all this stuff but doesn't regret it), but Regina wasn't having it. Christian then says that she thought they'd be getting married once her guy was divorced from her sister. Kent says he doesn't know about that.
I would like an invitation to any Harris Extended Family function. Strike that: I'd LOVE an invitation to any Harris Extended Family function. These some good folks.

Tasha "Lime Green" Parker vs. James "Eight Meals" Parker

So this chick Tasha Parker, is wearing a whole lotta lime green -- like Deco arthouse lime green. She wants to divorce her husband because he's increased in waist size from a size 34 to a size 52. "Little Debbie to Big Debra," she says by way of an explanation that didn't explain a damn thing.
This chick Tasha Parker, well, she's roomy. Like, six-apartment-in-a-building roomy. Like, her own zip code roomy.
Which is to say the pot hath spoken to the kettle.
This James Parker guy, his wife doesn't even cook for him. This is a dedication to eating that I haven't seen since Wing Bowl. This James Parker guy, I dig when he says, "I might eat a lot, but she talk too much. Drives me crazy."
To which Tasha said, "I talk so much cause he eats so much. He eats at:
8 a.m.
10 a.m.
12 p.m.
1:45 p.m.
5 p.m.
9 p.m.
12:30 a.m.
1 a.m.

Now, the 12:30 and then 1 thing? I don't get it. But when James responded, "I'm hungry now" he won my respect.
And, Tasha's whole, "I'm just sayin', I got, my vows was to love and cherish him and till death do us part. Not to eat us out of a house and a home.
"He eat so much I put a lock and chain on the refrigerator."
"Lock and chain," interjects James. "Lock. And. Chain. I cut it off."
Tasha then aired a surreptitious video she'd taped of James sleeping and snoring, which prompted James to say that Tasha always acts embarrassed to be out with him in public. She rations her love, he says.
This makes me sad. So very, very sad.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Matt "Ladyboy" Campbell vs. Arezo "Cruella" Khanjani

Sorry for the two-day delay. Been busy on some other stuff. Happy I checked out the old DVR before the weekend, though. Because I feel better about myself for not being like these two people on today’s show.
Arezo Khanjani says she wants to divorce Matt Campbell, not just because she wants $325 for two cockatiels that he lost, but because her husband says she’s a nag and that her husband is forgetful.
They’re performers in a band. He sings and plays guitar. She sings, plays keyboards and grooms what can best be described as skunk hair, but without the white in it. And, they run a label. (I googled them. They’re in a band called The Captain’s Package. Read about them here.)
“As time has gone on, I feel her jealously, nagging, nitpicking and temper has gotten oto the point where I can’t stand it anymore and I feel it’s destructive for both our relationship and for the business we’re involved in and there’s a lot at stake,” Aussie Matt says, adding that when he forgot to return a gym towel, she flipped out on him.
“He wouldn’t be wearing socks right now if I didn’t give him my socks because he forgot his own,” Arezo retorted.
Matt corrected the record by saying that she actually made him blowdry the socks he had on because they were dirty.
She says he sits like a “five-year-old girl on the bed" and forgot her birthday thrice. She interrupts him often and complains that he leaves things laying about the house.
I'll tell you what: I feel f'in bad for this Matt kid. Seems as if Arezo just walks all over him. No, he's not the sharpest blade. But still, it's like watching a sophomore year of high school relationship devolve on national TV for 22 minutes. It's not uncomfortable to watch, but you feel like less of a person for doing so. That's why I was turning it off when BLAWW, the news interrupted the show for Obama's Nobel Peace Prize/Bo's Birthday presser.
Thank you for finally coming through in the pinch, Norway.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Luvinia Green vs. Ernest Green

Some people might look at Mr. Ernest Green and see your run-of-the-mill heavy machinery operator, but when I look at Mr. Ernest Green, I see a delicate flower that's been trampled upon. Case in point: his dame Luvinia has the gall to demand two car payments in return for their marriage severance when Ernest says she should be giving him $100K for taking her out of Illinois and dropping her into "this sunny of California, and she's non-supportive. This is the problem. She's not there for me. She's steady bringing me down instead of lifting me up."
I think one sentence sums the whole back story up: "The hair that she has, I bought the horse that put that on her head." Awesome.
Things get a little hinky when he gets to talking about how he lost his job. Luvinia was not supportive.
"He was on the job, he didn't even make the probabtionary period. And he just lost the job before that because he can't keep his mouth closed," sayeth Luvinia. "It was rules that he had the follow and he ain't the person of rules so he didn't follow the rules so he got fired."
She then added that Ernest is a cheater and a thief. She found this out by listening to his voicemails and establishing that he was at a hotel when she was at a hotel but he wasn't at the hotel she was at. Ernest, however, stands by his plant "evacuation" story. Make sense?
He then noted that he bought her what sounded like "chinchillas," "diamond rings" and "$1,400 worth of rims for the car."
The lesson here: Never look a horse that bears gifts of chinchillas and blinged-out rims in the mouth lest the gift well run dry. Even if you say the gifthorse only had "one pair of pants, two pair of gym shoes, a TV wit no remote and no place to stay" and sold, according to him, "used cars" in Gary, Indiana.
These folks going back and forth even caused the bailiff to chime in just before the most exciting game of "How Many Kids Do You Have" broke out. A few stats:
-- Luvinia and Ernest have no kids together.
-- Luvinia has two from a previous relationship.
-- Ernest says "I got a few kids."
-- Luvinia translates "few" as "11."
-- Smilin' Ernest corrects her: "13" but just "9" if it's only biological ones that count.
"She needs to go to jail for lying," Ernest notes.
Maybe so. But I'd be satisfied if Ernest goes to jail to prevent a Luvinia-involved procreation.
For shame.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Jessi Jacobus vs. Jeremy Jacobus

Talk about a boring case.
Wah, hubby gambles a lot with our bill money.
Wah, wife is banging her personal trainer.
Fine, I guess it ramps it up a little bit when a) it's stated that hubby ran up a $25K loss in Palm Springs or somewhereorother and wife hanged a sign for the personal trainer who was (allegedly) taggin' dat ass in their car window. (The sign's in the window; not dat ass.)
And it's a little quirky that Jeremy's all "I want $920.80 for half of the personal-trainer fees" and Jessie's all "I want $750 to repair the dent Jeremy put in my car when he found out I was trampin' about." (She says, however, that it's a six-day-a-week boot-camp. Aw yeah, that's a good cover story!)
But, it's not up to Divorce Court snuff when:
-- Woman complains man plays around like a kid, with his kids, when they go to the grocery and/or fling yogurt on her "beautiful hardwood floors."
-- Woman whines that man lets kids parachute out the second floor with plastic bags.
-- Man bitches that woman wouldn't let him go camping with his "bad influence" friends but can go with her friends.
-- Man cries that woman broke her laptop because she "had to get his attention somehow."
The plus side? It's square-shaped:
1) Jeremy said he listened to New Edition. (He didn't talk songs, but "If It Isn't Love" is probably my favorite of all songs in musical history.)
2) Jessi's pretty hot, in a "pole-dancing recent-year(s) resume entry" kind of way, which made the 22 minutes minutely bearable.
3) Jeremy said they're "back on the better path now." In Divorce Court. Just before he carried on about her getting more than just a little strange.
4) And, when Jessi bitched that he just dropped $1,500 the other day, the conversation veered toward how he gambles at work. The exchange included this:
Jessi: "I work hard for my money."

Jeremy (seconds later): "Once everyone leaves, boom, lights out, we play sometimes. My coined nickname (air quotes made) is the Grand Master of Poker. But they all make fun of me. I take all of their money. So we drink at work and play poker. So what?"

Jessi: "WHAT?"

Judge Lynn: "I'm done. I'm done. I'm completely done. And you should be done too."

Jessi: "Oh, I've been done."

Me too, as far as being done with the Jacobuses. (Or is it Jacobi?)

Monday, October 5, 2009

Jimmy "A Positive" Kearney vs. Bionica "O Positive" Lamar

So here's what I really dig about Divorce Court: One question out Judge Lynn Toler's mouth and the game is on. Take today, for instance, when she asked Jimmy why he wanted a divorce. He didn't come up with no excuses; he said it like it is. To wit:
"You know what, I want a divorce from her because her son Jaydyn is not mine. ... Yeah, 'cause he not mine! ... I got A positive blood. She got O positive blood. And he come out with B positive blood. Man. Huh? Buh buh buh because she a cheater! She been cheating with me (undiscernable stream of words which Bionica just looks down and shakes her head). Look at (what sounded like "my chai). He bright skinned it. He got brown hair. He got brownish hair. I got black hair."

Mr. Kearney then went on to share a story about how a neighbor told him she "was looking at him all crazy" because, well, hell, I really couldn't understand it. But apparently it had something to do with Bionica going and banging some dude everytime she and Jimmy get into a fight. That's a problem because, as per Jimmy, they fight often. But he "don't care."
As per Bionica, however, it's all lies, he don't trust her and he ain't worked in a year.
And he said he didn't work because she's always fighting with him. And she says Jimmy gets her sister Katina Kearney into the fighting mix (she sent a tape encouraging Bionica to get divorced and stop picking up the phone calling their house because "we frankly don't give a damn." HOT DAMN, KATINA!)
And Jimmy don't want to be paying $1,140 for child care for a six-month old that ain't his.
And Bionica cops to having said "someone else has my heart" in front of Jimmy's family.
Blah, blah, blah.
All of that detail's for naught because Judge Lynn's got a doctor to talk about blood typing and a DNA test. First, came Dr. Pamela Davis who was asked whether it's possible for A positive and O positive peoples to create a B positive child: "No, that's not possible."
OH SNAP! Yet, Bionica says she's not concerned with the news since she knows that it's Jimmy's son. "I ain't trippin," she notes.
Anyway, Jimmy 'splains that he knows his blood type because of both "science" and "eighth grade." You know what's coming, right? That's right, Dr. Davis took his blood for typing, and he came up ... B. That's right, B. And man, you shoulda heard the audience laughing. Hell, you should've heard me laughing.
Baby boy's his.
Godspeed, Jaydyn. You'll need it.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Joey "Cheater" Maracle vs. Shannon "Stalker" Maracle

This is awesome: When Shannon Maracle came home with her and Joey Maracle's first child, he was over at his mammy's with his other baby's mama and her baby and when Shannon had their second child, he was banging another tramp and their house .... and brought said hussy to pick Shannon up!
Oooh la la.
So, Joey laughs when Judge Lynn asks "Do you cheat on your wife at all?" He then added that "she lets me." As in, Shannon invites menages. She gave one for a Christmas gift, so sayeth Joey, who never got over finding an ovulation test almost immediately post-wedding.
"I'm all into fitness and health and looking good. I like to look good. I like to look at people who look good. I mean, that's what I do. For a living," notes Joey. "And she just let herself go."
When it was pointed out that "she got a boob job for you," Joey maintained that, "Yeah, she was supposed to lose weight after she got the boob job. I helped her get the boob job. Took care of her after she got the boob job. And, she never even lost weight. Donuts hid in cabinets. Snickers bars. Her whole car was full of McDonalds wrappers. Couldn't even get into it."
F'in A, Joey. I'm with you. If you pay for faux breasteses, you OWN the broad who's flaunting them.
But you lost me when you went to Myrtle Beach with another broad and, when Shannon filed for divorce, pulled the emotional-problems-I-need-institutionalization card. Well, she took him back. (Side note: It's the epitome of greed for said woman to want $450 for the wedding dress she says you cut under these circumstances.)
As for the stalking allegations, well, she'd go over to the club he bounced at to holler down the tramps that he hit on.
I think Judge Lynn said it best with, "So he can just roll around and have sex with other women as long as he mentally shows back up at your house, it was OK with you. Is that what I got?"
To which Shannon said, "Yes."
After which Her Honor turns to spraytan Joey and asks, "You couldn't find anything better to do than that?"
[If I may interject, um, is there anything better to do than that?]
Upon hearing which Joey goofy smiled and laughed again and said, "She would just always do that."
No, it doesn't make any sense, but did you expect these people to?
Noting that his open-spouse likes cutting people's tires, including his friend's mother's tires, and how she set his Myspace page to say he loves Richard Simmons -- which, mind you, is f'in hilarious -- Joey asks the question of the hour: "How's it cheatin' if she let me bring 'em home?"
Deep question, yo. I'll let you think on that for the weekend. I'm off to Atlantic City.

Tour of the Divorce Court studio

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Nate “Sex Maniac with an Undefined Job or Two” Green vs. Arainey “Non Sex Addict Cab Driver” Green

In a simplistic sense, the Green case is about $875 since man got friends to vandalize woman’s car on his behalf. But nothing Divorce Court is what it seems.
I’ll let Nate break it on down first: “I’m a man. I like my house clean. I like have my friends can come over. The house was extremely dirty all … tha … time. Now, I try to get the cable on for the kids ‘cause I get tired of watching regular TV. I tell er-body to clean the house ‘cause I didn’t want the man to see our …. Roaches, the man moved the chair BLAWW, roaches ery-where.”
Let’s segue into BLAWW what Arainey don’t like about her ex-man: “He’s a cheatin’ dog. He likes to cheat. Can’t stick with one person.”
It’s worth noting that the camera shifts back to Nate when Arainey’s saying all this. And what’s Nate doing? Oh, he’s grinning ear to m’f’in ear. Playa. Playa. Playa.
“I caught him coupla times cheatin’. One day, me and my mom was going to Hooters …” For the wings, I presume.
“… to watch wrestlin’ with my kids, cause my kids like to wrestle …” Day-um, well I’d like to do some wrestling at Hooters too, nawmean, Arainey? So anyway, long story short: She went up in to Nate’s job to get a key to their place and he wasn’t there. So she took her mama’s car and “went to a neighborhood I thought he was at. … So I rolled up. He looked over at me said ‘Oh snap,’ he in the car with another woman. She jumped out the window and ran up to her porch.”
I needn’t point out how rad that is in a Bo-ette and Luke Duke sense, though I don’t think Arainey’s truck was all Gen. E. Lee’d up. But it still beckoned one of the best exchanges I’ve seen up in Judge Toler’s courtroom. To wit:
“Er-body know me. My name is Nasty Nate. Nate Dawg. … I have sexual needs. I have a strong sexual desire. She don’t have it. She would rather go six months without sex, then sit there think I’m gonna deal with this. I don’t do that. What she don’t do, someone else will. I told her that in a nice way. Sat down and talked to her.”
“He didn’t tell me. He showed me.”
“I showed her what I wanted.”
“He didn’t tell me all dat. Instead of him telling me, he went out and did it.”
“You want me to stay home, you have to do certain things. Because if you don’t I will find somebody else that will.”
It was then established that it’s against Arainey’s religion to do the stuff that Nate needs. This made me wish D.C. was on Cinemax. For two reasons:
 What is it exactly that Nate wants to do but his wedded wife ain't doing?
 What religion do those things violate? I can’t imagine it’s Mormon or Rastafarian. Those people are into all sorts of nastiness, methink.
An intriguing prospect, to say the least. And if you happen to know either Nate or Arainey, by all means, share the 411 in the comments. Hell, if Nate or Arianey are all googling to see whether they hit the blog bigtime, email me for an interview.
I won’t be able to sleep at night till I have these answers.

Fun feature: Judge Toler has adjusted the call in segments to pertain to the cases themselves. Today's question: "Nate says that his wife should have sex with him whenever he wants. From what you're hearing to do you agree?" "Call toll-free 1-800-282-1991 to give your opinion to our litigants."
Me? Hell to the yes Arainey should be following Nate's every perverted whim! Otherwise, he might knock another lesbian co-worker up. Yes, that's right, I wrote "another" "lesbian" "knock(ed) up."