Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Tonia Carson vs. Jay Carson

I'll cut to the chase with this one: Tonia Carson went to Divorce Court to get awarded a $5K CD collection on the grounds that "her husband is a pimp." Meanwhile, Mr. Carson steadfastly maintains that he "didn't say I was a pimp. I said I was something like a pimp."
Let that settle in for a moment before I proceed.
Pretty good, right? Well Tonia says "Jay" uses a few different names -- Kevin, Carnard, etc. -- and he's nothing but a gigolo/pimp. Jay (or whatever his name is) says he's out in the street, selling TVs and stuff, but would rather not define "stuff."
Clearly, I take the pimp's side all the mutha f*ckin time, but this Tonia, she spunky. Said she went over to a hotel where Jay at, kicking doors in n'shit. And that's what breaks my heart about this whole thing.
I feel like I knew Jay (who "has two children and a couple possibles") and Tonia within three minutes of the show and these two, they'd be pimpin' and sellin' TVs strong. They got some pizazz, business savvy and personal-relationship acumen.
But then Jay's saying that Tonia's crazy, that she needs some medication if she's saying she didn't know what's going on. He likened her to Chrissy on Three's Company, that she's having a "Chrissy moment." That's a tight, old-school reference.
From there, it delved into pimpitude qualifications and stereotypes. As in:
Jay: "Do I look like a pimp, your honor?"
Judge Toler: "They come in all different sizes and colors and everything."
Tonia: "And that was my fault 'cause I thought pimps was like Binkie on the movies. Loud colors and all that but he wasn't quite a Binkie."
I know not of this Binkie character, but he sounds alright to me.
And if he had anything to do with the birthday party that Tonia (a Hurricane Katrina cleaner-upper who wore "big drawers" and went to mortuary school, coming home smelling like dead-people chemicals) pulled up on and found Jay with three prostitutes outside, she went "all Billy Blanks." All she wanted to do was surprise him, too.
God do I wish Jay and Tonia lived in Philly. I would go over to their house with my video camera once a week and just let them riff on life and whatnot.
In any event, as a rule, what pimp money pays for, pimp hands should keep. But I'm going to extend courtesies to Tonia, who Jay didn't pimp out.
It is so ordered that these two should stay together.


  1. LOL, as usual. I can't pick which part was the funniest: "has two children and a couple possibles" or "I know not of this Binkie character, but he sounds alright to me."

  2. Divorce court is hilarious and sad at the same time lol