Friday, August 28, 2009

James Rivers vs. Marie Rivers

This is a bittersweet day. On the one hand, we have a Divorce Court proceeding involving a dude who claims a dudette tried to run him over with a car and a dudette who allegedly tried a dude over with a car. And, let's face it, that is rad.
But at the same time, my BlackBerry's zapped and I can't snap-and-email pictures of the participants. The words will have to suffice.
So, James is the kind of guy who looks like a blend of Tex Cobb and Jame Gumb (aka Jamie Gumb, John Grant) and Marie looks like, well, a gingery Catherine Martin, pre-getting-Precious-into-the-well.
What we have here is a shotgun wedding that devolves into a post-first-year loveless marriage. Marie's "not much of a housekeeper. Adds James, "I don't really like waking up to roaches on my face."
Meanwhile, James brings his sub-18-looking, foot-and-a-half-shorter girlfriend Ashley Hinton to court. It's fitting, since she moved into that loveless home. I'm not sure how that makes James better equipped to handle a screaming-for-mommy-all-the-time 2.5 year old, but hey, the freaky menage potential's there. So they got that going for them. (Side note: Judge Lynn was also worried about the NAMGLA potential here and Ashley noted that she was 22, before complaining about the home's cleanliness. You go girl.
But then Lynn got all like, how dare you criticize when James' wife is supporting you and your boyfriend of three years. Get of the high horse, Yer Honor. I mean, Marie nodded her head yes when James started talking about almost getting smoked by a "V-8 going about 90."
She was mad, yes, "but she didn't hit him."
Ergo, I don't see why James is on the hook for the $93.58 cable bill, especially when James and Ashley aren't planning to get married. Ashley has dreams of being an actress and will not go home to her parents "comfortably" since Daddy Nurse Anesthetists is stubborn and tried to foist his dreams upon her. And if that doesn't have true romance written all over it, nothing does.
It is so ordered.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Nicole Adley vs. Delawrence Adley

Anytime a Divorce Court proceeding begins with the sentence, "I've been bamboozled, led astray by this gorgeous man right here," you know you're in for a treat. But, as soon as you get all giddy 'n shit, the dame drops that they have a "compromised child born with a short esophagus," and playtime's over. Well, philosophically. Not literally. Because -- check this out, fellas -- when Nicole Adley would head out to work to, you know, make some money, Delawrence Adley readily admits that Judge Toler was right in saying that, "these sare the remarks of a man who doesn't want to work."
"No Ma'am. I like to stay home and play video games. ... I don't like to sweat. I don't like to get dirty. That's not me."
And even though Judge Lynn got all "you're an embarrassment to brothers everywhere" or something like that, and sided with Nicole in her pursuit of $450 to repair a bumper her man destroyed - "It's not my fault" came to delawrdecree -- I back Delawrence, even over Nicole's crocodile girl-power tears. ("I love him, but I love him enough to walk away, sugar.")
Delawrence is smooth like BDK.
Delawrence is pimp like Don the Magic Juan.
Delawrence, says Nicole, "is very sexual" like Casanova
And Delawrence ain't about to let a courtroom filled to the teeth with haters get HIM down.
Game, Delawrence.
Set, Delawrence.
Match, Delawrence.
It is so ordered.

Clearly, Danielle has never laid eyes upon Delawrence.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Jennifer Simmons v. Omarr Jennings (Double Feature)

Well, now I've seen it all. By "it all," I mean a case that requires not one episode of Divorce Court, but two. But even early on, I can tell this was a special case. Just look at how it's broken down on the info bar:

That's right, Omarr Jennings from San Antonio done pulled the "trifling" card. Snap.
Right out the gate, Jennifer Simmons's all like, Omarr don't want to provide for his family. Omarr don't want to stop cheating. Trifling, indeed. But she had the money line of recent Divorce Court memory with, in talking about how they met, but not knowing Omarr was already married at the time, "We both had something in common, which was nothing. I thought nothing and nothing might make something. But nothing and nothing leaves nothing."
Now, that's some deep shit. For real, f'real. Even if Omarr, a 31-year-old forklift operator with five kids spread across two marriages, had to go all, "She had nothing. I had hope."
To which Judge Toler retorted, "Hope hasn't paid a bill yet." Double snap. Oh, here's Omarr and Jennifer:
So anyway, a few fun facts:
-- Omarr was suing to get a picture of his great grandmom back.
-- Omarr's wife torched Jennifer's welcome mat when she found her husband was trampin' about.
-- At Omarr and Jennifer's wedding, when the priest asked if anybody objected, everybody looked at Jennifer's mom who told Judge Toler that, "She went from riches to rags." Triple snap. "He's a thug. Reaking of smoke. Walks in [to Thanksgiving] wassup, wassup, wassup. I'm checking him out and he's checking my other daughter out and Jennifer can't see it!"
-- Omarr's all like, Jennifer's mom neglected Jennifer so she has no room to judge.
-- Omarr managed, somehow, to "manage" to get a Suburban sans job. (Big ups, O.)
-- Jennifer was, according to Omarr, an exotic dancer. Jennifer was NOT, according to Jennifer and Jennifer's mother, an exotic dancer. This is important because, according to Judge Toler, Omarr "discussed pimping his wife out to pay some bills." Quadruple SNAP. (She ultimately got a job as a janitor. Yeah, lady janitor.)
-- Jennifer alleged that Omarr gambled away the rent money. Omarr concedes as much.
-- Omarr says Jennifer was very disrespectful to him on multiple occasions in public, not affording him the ability to handle their finances.
And that's only the first episode!
The second half kicks off with a discussion of Omarr's dreams of being a rapper. Which, quickly segues into how Jennifer got locked up for slapping Omarr with a knife one him. "Didn't stab him. Slapped him." which is as good a defense as any, I guess. But still, that's just the kind of disrespect that Omarr's talkin' 'bout. Back to the fun-fact construct:
-- During one fight over Omarr's cheating, Jennifer locked herself in a 7-11 bathroom.
-- Jennifer ended up getting a job "because the fast money was gettin' old to me." Plus, she was "getting ready to have my baby."
-- Jennifer busted into Omarr's Yahoo account and saw an email from another young lady. She proceeded to call that young lady who let her know something that refuted the thought that she was interested in Omarr. That something? "She was interested in me!" Jennifer declared. F yeah.
-- Omarr says she slacked off after she had some kids. Jennifer says she did so on purpose and sidled up to Omarr's boss, who was a rat bastard being all like, "Omarr's going to the strip joints getting strip joints." Noted Jennifer, "He was providing me with information. I was providing him with pleasure." (Whore.)

All of which is to say, well, these are some really putrid human beings. Shame on them for wasting Judge Lynn Toler's time. I feel like part of me managed to die in the past 44 minutes. And Omarr's great grandmom is ashamed of her bloodline.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Tenico Bowden and Dawn Jones vs. Antwine Bowden

Here's a nugget of conversation from right out of the judicial case pitting Tenico Bowden vs. Antwine Bowden after eight years of marriage.
Mrs. Bowden: "He's a jobless, jealous stalker."
Mr. Bowden: "Yeah, I might be a stalker. I wouldn't necessary call it stalking. I'd call it intelligence gathering. My wife here is over-burned party animal that likes women."
Mrs. Bowden: "Correction, your honor: LOVES women."
Now, Antwine admits he new of Tenico's penchant for bisexuality right around the time they had their first child. He didn't expand on how. There were allegations of cheating and, through his intelligence gathering, Antwine discovered Tenico was using her barbershop as a cover that turned allegation to suspicious evidence. But really, who cares? That's a dime a dozen Divorce Court factor. I'll let Tenico's new ladylove Dawn Jones break it down: Dawn started seeing Tenico while she was still married to Antwine and says he just showed up at her place around the time that Tenico "retired" from barbering.
From there Tenico claims her Sixth Sense led her to believe he was cheating on her. Antwine then afforded the ladies the right to live as a happy triple. "But it's not like that!" all three of them said.
And, well, that's when I lost interest. Because it really wasn't like that.

William Allen vs. Michele Allen

I've been lax in my Divorce Court updates the past week or so. For that, I'm ashamed. But today, I'll make up for it with a pair of cases that caught my eye. Well, as long as the two I have DVRd after the case of William Allen vs. Michele Allen are suitable for posting. A quick description: William reminds me of Private Joker from Full Metal Jacket. Goofy, but standing upright as an ex-Marine. He's the kind of guy who latched onto a woman who resembles a cross between Sideshow Bob and Rocky Dennis.
This case was one of abuse, but in reverse. In fact, it was a tear-inducing case for many parties when William alleged that Michele spit in his mother Miriam's face while she cleaned up cat food from the ground. "She called me a liar, and a pig and pushed me back, knocked William out of the way and spit in my face."
Michele's response: "Yeah, because she constantly lied to me." Michele denied having pushed Miriam, though.
Judge Lynn Toler rightfully ripped into the tramp for that.
It didn't seem to me that Michele deserved a penny of the $450 a month for six months she was seeking for "transitional support," even though her own father called his ex-son-in-law lazy and unwilling to get a job. Because, quite frankly, the only thing missing from this situation was a microwaved bunny. I'll let William summarize it:
"She sits there and she constantly physically, emotionally and verbally abuses me. She will hit me for no reason, just to make her happy. She'll walk over and bite me. She'll make fun of me."
Michele's retort: "I have never done that."
It is so ordered.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Kimberly Sabaston vs. Robert Sabaston

Talk about a match made in hell. Mrs. Kimberly Sabaston is totally out of Mr. Robert Sabaston's hotness league. Yet, there she is ring on her finger. A ring that bought her 14 years of no affection or caring, and being told, among other things, what she could and couldn't wear. Makes sense, then, that he wants to stay married yet she doesn't.
Robert cops to a controlling nature thanks to his military history, which is pretty valiant of him, but Kimberly undercuts any pity by quoting one of "hundreds of letters" asking him for hugs and affection before he explains why he was in the right. To which I say: Dude, seriously? You never acted on hot bride asking you to feel up on her because you "could never totally trust her" after hearing she sidled up wit dudes while they were separated?
Fun fact: Robert wrote a resume for Kimberly including a summary of qualifications that read, "Causing pain and suffering, don't care who $50, Acting like a fool $75, Not being smart enough to know what I'm doing, PRICELESS." Ok, that's creative and a bit humorous, I'll give him that.
Under "Supporting Strengths," the resume listed, "Strong conflict and problem starting skills. As a hobby, I enjoy ignoring my family (except my 18 year old daughter whom I am training) and going out to drink, party and collect [BLURRED OUT] for my personal use. (I don't use my hands though, it's too messy.) ...
"Experience: 2007-present. Queen Hoe."
Even Judge Lynn found it funny, because it was funny. But the fact of the matter is this: Kimberly got into this whole mess because she moved in with Robert after knowing him for a week because "she needed a place to stay." Fourteen years later, her online affairs led to real affairs that had her travel to Miami with a sidepiece; her arrival home launched Robert's stalker-ism. "I was not stalking her," Robert retorted. "I was defending my marriage."
Doesn't look to me like it can be saved here, but Robert surely does because he still loves Kimberly. But, he clearly lost the public-relations war when he handed Lynn a letter from their 8-year-old son begging for help. Once Kimberly told the court that Robert saddled the kid with the theory that "mommy chose boyfriend over daddy," well, that was the Tet Offensive against Robert. It is so ordered.

Latoya Young vs. Thurston Young

Well, this was a first: Let's call it Threesome Divorce Court. Latoya Young married Thurston Young seven-and-a-half years ago and says, "It's been hell. He lied, cheated and tried to control me, but I didn't let him." Well, that's no good. So, Thurston went and pursued an open relationship whereby Mimi Velasquz (who just happened to wear a moo-moo to Judge Toler's courtroom) moved in for a few months. But, get this: Mimi says, "They introduced themselves as cousins." Yowsers!
It seems the problems started a little before home-begat-brothel with back-and-forth wannabe-swinger accusations. Latoya, who is angrier than Henry Rollins, says they "used to take walks in the mall, have fun, enjoy things," but that "the fun just stopped after I gave him his first daughter." She proceeds to accuse him of chit-chatting on the phone all the time" but Thurston -- with Mimi seconding the motion -- says that Latoya spends all her time chit-chatting on the phone! Have mercy!!!
When Mimi brings her crooked front tooth to the stand, she admits she was banging Mr. Young while Mrs. Young was home, but that Mrs. Young had another Mister with her at the time. Things turned sour when another chick from North Carolina's arrival exposed the fact that the cousins were actually spouses. Miss NC was sent away, though, when Thurston told her he preferred the girl from Jersey (aka Mimi). Still with me?
A highlight: Mimi, after saying "She don't have this ring for nothing" and that Thurston turns over his entire paycheck to her, noted that "He's done things for me to me that he's never done to his wife and other females." To which Judge Toler responded that Thurston "had half of the continental United States" traipsing through his bedroom. Tou-f'in-che, Lynn.
The silver lining, however, is that one he divorces himself from Latoya (who worked as a home health aide for four months), Thurston plans to marry Mimi. Break out the shotgun, though: Mimi's already five months preggers.
Woe is that friggin' kid, but at least Her Honor urged Mimi to wait a few years to breed again, just in case Thurston isn't really a knight in shining armor. (Which, clearly, he is.)

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Monroe v. Monroe

Been a long time, but Fox29 in Philly not only switched the Divorce Court starting time (from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m.) but went from a twofer to just one episode, and that one episode has been a whole lotta reruns lately. It saddens me. But it makes me cherish the days when we meet people like Erica and Harold Moore.

As you can see above, Erica's borderline gingre and Harold, well he sports two silver hoop earrings and a douchey lil manpatch upon his chin. And, from everything I heard over the 22 minutes in court, these were not good people.

Let's start with Erica, whom Harold took to calling "Inspector Gadget," because once he started checking out the porn sites on the old computer machine (and talking to porny ladies therein on his mobile phone), Inspector Gadget took to spying on him and reviewing his correspondences and cell-phone records.

But what struck me more about Erica's inspectory ways was Harold saying his naked pursuits arose -- get it? -- when she came home one day and noted, "she wanted to see other people" while remaining married, of course. (She was a customer service agent and this other people was one customer whom, I presume, she wanted to service effectively.) Well, that and the "boredom" around the house drove Harold to cheat. Or, as Erica puts it, he not only "became distant" but he talked to another girltoy for "143 minutes" one month. ONE FORTY THREE, yo! Not sure if that was more or less offensive than when Harold banged Erica's cousin. "Yes I did," hoop-earringed guy said. TWICE, yo! "I wanted to give her something to look for."

Touche, Harold.

But, the both of you should never be allowed on TV again. In fact, they should revoke your procreation license. And now, for Divorce Court call-in advice: