Hickey on Divorce Court

The Final Post Here

2010-01-14T07:39:00.000-08:00

Hey all. Hope the last decade treated you well. Mine was kind of up and down, naw'mean?
In any event, this mass email will have to suffice as a personalized touch. For that, I'm sorry. But not as sorry as I would have been had I needed to type, oh, hundreds of separate emails to make what, in the grand scheme of things, are simple points. To wit:

-- I have a new website. It's brianphickey dot com.
-- Yes, the P stands for Pimp. Because I'm pimp.
-- Fine, it's Patrick. You just had to destroy my dreams, didn't you?
-- My new email address is hickey at brianphickey _dot_ com.
-- Yes, hotmail is still piped into my BlackBerry, but I'd rather just centralize all my online dealings to the site.
-- Because the site is named after me, and I think that's pretty cool -- even if I did the naming.
-- So, in review, please go to my new site, use my new email. Heck, while you're there, why not register at brianphickey.com? All the cool kids do.
-- The Saints will beat the Chargers in the Super Bowl. Bet.

Sincerely,
Brian P. Hickey

New site

2010-01-06T12:01:00.001-08:00

Go check this out. All the cool kids do.

-- 30 --

Back in the USoA

2010-01-03T05:04:00.000-08:00

Hey all, hope your Christmases were merry and your New Year's Eve, good. We're back from our trip, but I'm still loopy-headed from all the travel and whatnot. Will start posting tomorrow, but the site will be shifting from here to brianphickey.com. So, bookmark it and start going there, if you'd be so kind as the only thing that'll appear on this page henceforth is something to the extent of, "Online me moved. Go here."
All the best in '10.

Announcement

2009-12-21T16:44:00.000-08:00

Veredicto Final recaps soon join the Divorce Court blog. On now: Priest/exorcist instead falls in love with a stripper and a family argument about either moving out or illicit relations, rudimentary Spanish tells me.

Till '010

2009-12-14T12:44:00.001-08:00

Hey all, I'll be back in the Divorce Court writin' business after Jan. 2. Till then, ta-ta!

Monica Gray vs Jonathan Gray

2009-12-12T10:12:00.000-08:00

Wednesday Addams -- oops, I mean Monica Gray -- wants to purge Jonathan Gray from their marriage because she fears his mean streak onaccounta the fact that her father killed someone in front of her when she was young. And, CHiPs officer John Baker -- oops Jonathan Gray -- wants trade her in for a Thursday because she failed to tell him she'd been married not once, but twice before.
After sifting through 22 minutes of blah, he lies; blah, she says I'm irresponsible; blah, "he stripped me of my independency" and blah, we're governed by anger issues and call each other nasty names; it all seemed cut-and-dried to me: VH1 should give these two a few bottles of Hennie, and let the cameras just roll. If he was black-out drunk on the wedding night -- which he was -- America needs to see what happens behind the Grays' closed doors.
Call the show Gray's Insanity and let the chips fall where they may.
I know I'd watch. You know you would, too.

Roseann Jones vs William Jones

2009-12-10T09:57:00.000-08:00

So, a few years ago, when Roseann Jones said "I Do" to William Jones, he was 17 years older than she was. In fact, he's three years older than her parents. Fast-forward to this week, when they was on Divorce Court, because she wanted to take off because -- wait for it -- -- just a second longer -- he's acting like he's 17 years older than she is.
Well, there is something else: He don't like Young Jeezy, and he doesn't like watching Lifetime and BET with her in lieu of his soaps. They don't sleep Plus, "I smoke cigarettes and he doesn't likes that." I think she said "likes" to deflect attention from her smoking in bed. And that she calls him a "fat b[itch]." And, fat bitch seems to have a calendar of some dude he knew, in drag, laying across a pool table, 12 months of the year.
Seems William was in the midst of a mid-life crisis and someone hooked him up, in New York City, with a step-daughter who asked him to marry her after a month or so. The story's hard to follow. But what isn't is that William looks fly in his post-mid-life-crisis cornrows. "She was all about the money," the bus driver says. Beep beep!
Remember Miss Parker, the one who be banging midgets and ministers in Friday? Roseann be looking like that tramp, but with a whole lotta tracks or weaves or whatever them fake-hair jawns called these days. And William looks like a weight-bearing Mos Def at 45. Roseann, she grates on the nerves after 8 minutes, let alone 8 months or 8 years. When you break it on down to the bare elements, the whole point of running tight with a young broad is that the eye-candy do and treat you the way you want to be treated in exchange for a sweet ride and sweet house and supa-sweet dolla-bill stack in her pockets.
William, this Roseann chick and worth the investment of time or bed-side earnings. So git on ya bus and restore our faith in money-centered sexual relations.

Angela Coleman vs Sherrod Coleman

2009-12-07T09:53:00.000-08:00

In no way, shape or form should Sherrod Coleman be in the running for Pimp of the Year. He mumbles, he wears plain clothes (he wrapped sweatpants 'round his neck "like it was a fashionable scarf") and his bloodline probably hasn't sipped from a chalice since the days of Merlin. I think his wife of nine months, Angela, would agree. Even if Sherrod says she too bossy like the times she "steady telling me" how to drive safely, or when she complains about how fast his windshield wipers is on.
All that said, Sherrod's got a wannabe-pimpin' streak. Or at least that's how it seemed after Angela was all like People was watching us do a little dance so he asked onlookers at their regular bar, "You got some money for her. You want to buy her?" (Sarcasm, he says, because the dude was watching. Not pimpitude.)
The more I heard, though, the more I wish the voyeur had told Sherrod yes. Not only for the black-market profitability of a woman, but because I be thinking he's right: This woman's annoying, and averse to cooking and cleaning like Sherrod thinks a wife should do. But is she more annoying that Sherrod saying "why she thinking I always gotta leave a tip? If I pay for the meal, why I gotta leave a tip too?!" I'll leave that up to you to decide.

Tylinda Peavey vs Derrick Peavey

2009-12-03T13:07:00.000-08:00

Sweet f'in Christ. As if it isn't bad enough that Derrick Peavey stole $425 off of his ladyfriend Tylinda. No. That's nothing. Here's what's bad: Derrick's temper. Maybe temper is too weak of a word. But pathologically violent isn't. He's brawling at hoops games. He's brawling at clubs. He's brawling in front of her kid. And here's what the kind of dude who delicately shaves a skinny beard-and-stash line on his mug has to say about allegations that he be brawling with his wife:
"If you big enough to put your hands on a man, you big enough to get hit back," says Derrick.
Oh really? So, Nicole Simpson asked for it? I don't wanna be hearing about Tylinda's purported cheating and mouthiness and box-cutter wielding and controlling nature.
Derrick's a punk-ass girl-and-child-punching bitch.
And, I ain't got no time for them on this blog.

Brittany Jenkins vs Chris Jenkins vs Brittany Jenkins' Mammy

2009-12-02T13:45:00.000-08:00

I think I should just let this story tell itself in over the course of a paragraph. Here goes:
Brittany Jenkins, a roomy girl, found a pair of size 5 panties in Chris Jenkins' car and, knowing full-well that she couldn't fit an ear in size 5 panties, figured Chris was cheating on her with a woman who could fit in size 5 panties. Chris Jenkins blamed Brittany Jenkins' mama, who'd recently borrowed the car, for leaving unmentionables under the seat. "I don't wear bikinis," said Brittany Jenkins' mama. "I wear the full cut." She then pantomimed pulling full-cut panties up over the hips. She had a cane in one hand. I didn't hear anything else they had to say.

Michael Sally vs Irene Sally

2009-12-01T09:55:00.000-08:00

Right out tha gate I was loving me some Michael Salley. Specifically, Michael Salley's "poof poof" magic trick in which he did a hand gesture twice while saying "poof poof" because he thought that'd make Irene disappear. That's some rad shit right there. Rad shit.
So anyway, Irene's all suing for daycare and Michael's all saying kid ain't be his. Claims he moved out to Cali, out to Cali, out to Cali, from Memphis to do right by her. But, after a week he knew she was gonna done do him wrong.
Well Irene's all glaring and laughing and shaking her head at ery-turn. She done programmed the remote to only let the TV tune to channels and shows she like. "I love Spongebob," says Michael. (Porno control, for the kids, she says.)
She also put a lock on the electrical box to keep the utility bills down and teach all of 'em that she meant it when she said turn the lights out when you leave the room.
And, says Michael, closed the kitchen when he was trying to make a sandwich after 8 p.m. That was the cleanliness cutoff.
This dame, she cold-hearted.
When Michael done met her, she had one foster kid. When he moved out to Cali to be a better dude, she had five. "She went and got some more. She got extra kids!" Well, he's got two of his own "by ring." Irene says she likes helping teenage girls. I'm sure a lot of my readers do as well, so that cool. At no point does Michael seem absolutely certain of how many children he has. He's a laundry attendant, too.
Oh, it keeps going.
She tried to get Michael a job "on the Internet ... but I'm not going to dress up like Chuck E. Cheese. There are some things I won't do!"
Then, he explains that she went to Louisiana for three weeks and came back pregnant. (I thought that happened to everybody, no?)
When she had the kid, she says he said, "I'm gone. I'll holler." Michael says he did NOT walk out. That he "escaped."
He claims Irene actually ate his birth certificate. "He had, in our closet, it was a walk-in. He had all these papers on the floor and I'm a nit-pick, I like a clean house," Irene retorts. "I told him if you don't get 'em up, I'm'a throw 'em in the trash. NO! He didn't want to pick em up. So I start pickin em up. ... They in the trash now."
She once called the cops saying he was holding her hostage. The rub: He was in Memphis. She was in California.
Oh, that DNA test? Kid's his.
Ironically, I sense a lot of love amid the chaos in Judge Toler's room this day. They gonna end up banging again. Bet.
Poof, poof. Hickey out.

Al Montano vs Ivy Montano

2009-11-30T13:36:00.000-08:00

Hear ye, hear ye: Al Montano is sick and tired of Ivy Montano and her daughter Christina Gobie digging deep for his gold. And Ivy Montano is sick and tired of Al Montano holding back on providing her with the manmeat he vowed to provide in sickness and in health. How's that for some inspiration after giving thanks!
"My wife and stepdaughters are lazy gold diggers who are just using me," sayeth Al right out the box. After getting up at 5 to workout, to work at 8:30 and then home after sometimes picking up his own groceries, the ladies of the home are "sometimes still sleeping or just watching TV; there's dog pukin' on the carpet, dishes all over the sink, the house is so untidy. It's like I'm supposed to go out there and bust my butt so people can just sit around and do nothing. ... I've had enough of it."
Then, stay-at-home wife Ivy said it's all untrue. "If he happens to see puke on the carpet, it probably just happened," sayeth Ivy, claiming bropiece is hooked on energy drinks and doesn't appreciate what she does around the house.
When the step-daughter took the dais, the waterworks began. Over her poor credit history. And mammy chimed in that there's some bi-polar action, and depression, goin' on. I'll tell you what: Christina Gobie looked a whole lot hotter after all this talk. But that's neither here nor there. She just a stepdaughter in this mix. And she's trying, Al, she's trying oh so hard, so lay the hell off. (Side note: Did I mention Gobie got hotter when you started talking about how crazy lazy she was? Oh, I did. Sorry.)
This house in Michigan, it would make the family on United States of Tara blush, pack up and leave. Man.
"All I'm good for is being a maid," Ivy says, "because there ain't no sex in our relationship."
Oh snap.
I mean, there ain't no sex in my relationship with Shakira either, but I ain't gonna get all confrontational about it.
Here's my ruling: Al, you make up for the sexual holdout by giving her daughter a gift certificate for implants. See it through to the climatic end, yo. Crazy, bad-credit ladies with jugz, they make the world go 'round.
Man, this went off on a weird tangent. That's what happens, I guess, when a gal that looks as if she's pushing 50 talks about how she goes out a few nights a week drinking tequila.
Montanos, you have redeemed humanity.

Beth Hunter vs Kent Hunter

2009-11-30T13:19:00.001-08:00

So if I have this right, Beth Hunter wants to leave Kent Hunter because he's a temper ball waiting to explode. He's a road-rage aficionado, a homefront screamer both when dishes are left in the sink and when he can't walk out the door when he's ready to go because Beth is tidying up. He uses his work as a bounty hunter as an excuse for needing to lash out.
I call shenanigans. The Dog ain't all chippy with Mrs. Dog out in Hawaii, is he? No, he's not. Because the world is chock full of stressful jobs.
Before Judge Lynn, he got all "Wah, I'm a pussy," complaining that she only gave him one bowl of macaroni when he can eat two, three, the whole pack of macaroni. Then, he corrects her when she's talking about her car -- "my car" -- and her car window -- "my window." Blah, blah, fucking blah.
Kent Hunter, quit whining, grow a fucking pair and, if you really want her to stay with you, which she shouldn't, treat your wife like she's actually the woman with whom you wanted to spend the rest of your life.
You're a scheming douchebag. And Beth ain't much better for procreating with him in the first place.
You both fail every test imaginable.
It is so ordered.

GYPSIES ON DIVORCE COURT!!! Gypsy "Griftin the Night Away" Joles vs Honey "Licensed Body Piercer" Joles

2009-11-26T06:33:00.000-08:00

Gypsy Joles and Honey Joles are gypsies. Obviously.
Gypsy breaks down the septic-tank grift they use, in detail. It involves selling red Kool-Aid for thirty bucks; skimming six hundred. Well Honey, she says they went to a gay pride festival and Gypsy the gypsy got drunk and started stage diving.
He dreams of opening a tattoo parlor, and noted to Judge Toler that "when she found out how hot you are, we almost didn't come to the show."
I just don't know what to believe and what's a grift here. She's in her third marriage; they went to a bar when she was seven months pregnant because she "likes to play pool."
"Is she making this up?" the judge asked when Honey said his Myspace friends would send her noodz.
"Some of it," sayeth gypsy Gypsy.
But, back to the reality/snooker line: I knew of some gypsies when I worked down in AC. Culturally, the women did all the work while the menfolk just chilled. So, why does he want to open a tattoo shop?! Probably because that's what it'll take to get $12K for tattoo equipment outta Honey.
And why is Honey complaining that gypsy Gypsy says he's hungry, or violating gypsy code by disrespecting him like this. Gypsy women aren't even allowed to walk between gypsy men while they're talking.
I would assume gypsies from coast-to-coast will be up in arms by Honey complaining about gypsy Gypsy's bed prowess. Even if he's not all that compassionate, admittedly, and worries more about money than sex.
Judge Lynn called them out on griftin since judges aren't permitted to endorse or empower scam meisters and fraus. No respect for the law means no 12 grand.

Byron "She Try to Steal My Youth" Barnett vs Dominique "Shaved Eyebrows" Clausell

2009-11-26T06:13:00.000-08:00

Byron and Dominique have been married for five months. Byron says he comes from a line of royalty, that Dominique's crazy. Dominique may be crazy, but she's pretty hot, too, and thinks Byron's a chauvinist. So anyway, I think one vignette tells the entire story of this relationship.
Byron was on the computer "doing important stuff." He starts yelling for Dominique. Screaming from the other room, she says. What did he want? "Go get me the Hennessey from the freezer." Said it was her wifely duty to do so. She thought otherwise, threw the bottle, thus breaking it on the floor. To which he says, "Go read the Bible and see what a good wife should do."
He also noted that men "do the hard part" in reference to having children.
She then mentioned that one time, when he wanted to go out wit his homeboys, she bit him. For an extended period. On his back. She took off afterwards, just circling the block with his car keys in her possession.
That's all for now.

LaReagan "Probation Officer" Fleming vs Tim "Was getting into some things in New Jersey" Fleming

2009-11-26T05:48:00.001-08:00

I give thanks for Tim Fleming and LaReagan Fleming on this Turkey Day. The list of reasons now commences.

1. LaReagan says Tim isn't a man because he won't stand up to his grandmother. That she's the lady of the house. When they fight, Tim "runs over (to grandma's house) like a big baby." So she's willing to smack the bitch up. Because her parents raised her to strike back when struck.

2. They love interrupting one another when they're addressing the court.

3. Tim said "I was an only child and I was getting into some things in New Jersey" so he was sent to live with his grandmother.

4. Tim says "LaReagan is more of a man" than he is. He says she runs her mouth too much. The bailiff escorted her away from the mic, thus supporting that theory.

5. He says he "has a whole bunch of complaints." The judge asks for the top three. 1) She's controlling to the point of color-coordinating his pajamas when he's in the shower ... "She is cray-zee."

6. LaReagan says "if it ain't the way I want it, it ain't right."

7. Says Judge Toler, "There's a difference between being real and being rude. You're just rude." LaReagan looked like she wanted to smack the judge.

8. Tim's been on probation for 14 years. He says she seems like a probation officer. He should know. She also drives like "Jeff Gordon" when he hangs out in the parking lot with her brother. She threw tea in his face. "I can't take it no more your honor. If anything, I want money from her." LaReagan's asking for $9,000. She says "you ain't getting nothing."

9. He knows that if he hits her he'll go to jail so that's why he don't smack dat biatch.

10. He suspects she may have put some "GPS in his skin" since she tracked him down en route home from Georgia. Apparently his auntie dropped dime.

11. LaReagan says they argue all the time. I can't believe that. "I'm the one that make your world go 'round, baby. Tell (grannie) dat."

12. They had a battle over salad dressing. She "blowed" up because he left a choice of dressings out on the counter. "Piece of mind is priceless," sayeth Tim.

13. LaReagan is 28. They've been together 14 years. She has 5 kids. She's a stay-at-home mammy.

14. "If I had a plaque, statue, some confetti, sparklers, I'd give them to you. God bless you for the time you've spent with this women. You put up with a woman who wouldn't let you pick what color underwear to wear to bed," said the Judge, who then lit into LaReagan. "I pride myself in finding something to like, enjoy, respect about somebody. So far, I've found nothing. ... You have lost a good man. Learn something from this. ... If he's not a man, it's cause you chopped him up and spread him around the house."

15. Bitch-ass turkey, that LaReagan.

Damien Collins vs Ashley Washington

2009-11-20T08:21:00.000-08:00

So, Damien thinks he "can be with anybody," which goes a long was toward explaining why Ashley Washington's family can't stand her choice in mate.
Factor in the fact that Damien's all like "she gained too much weight," and that he wants a grand back for the gold chain of his that she hocked, and this has the makings of an award-winning procedure.
That award: Damien is the biggest fucking douchebag in the show's history.
"I can't help that I'm a good-looking brother," says Damien.
Well, for one thing, he ain't.And for another thing, you can help being a cold-hearted scumbag with an over-inflated sense of worth. This, to the point where he thinks it's a'ight to wear a purple tie with a purple shirt.
Gap-toof and all, Ashley deserve better than this fool. I mean, she ain't tight bodied or nothing like that - "buxom" is the term that initially came to mind; BBW is the other-DC-episode-inspired moniker - so he ain't wrong with the concerns. It's just that those concerns are shallow, especially when they coming from some chump who don't even want to hold a job and whines about getting laid-off "without even a day's notice."
Wah. Layoffs are layoffs because they don't come with warning. Otherwise, Damien, they'd be called "planned vacation time."I'd delve into the definitions of "real man," but I figure the guy who insults and admits that he'd stick with her if she just dropped 30 lbs would just ignore them.
Run, Ashley.
You don't need a simple, triflin fool who does little but give an entire race and gender a filthy name -- and chase a Divorce Court fan to the TiVo's delete button before the entire episode's even recorded.
Shame.

Shannon Abbott vs David Abbott

2009-11-20T07:31:00.000-08:00

So, this one can be summarized in one sentence: Over the course of a single week, David Abbott's wife and David Abbott's girlfriend had children. THAT, dear readers, is virility. And the value of David Abbott can be summarized best with another sentence: David banged Shannon's friend because Shannon wasn't "paying no attention to me at all."
"You got no class, Mr. Abbott, what's up with that?" asked Judge Toler.
"Been a bad boy," responded the bad boy, who was noted to have said that he banged said friend because he thought she was Shannon.
Dude's A-list.
Dude's 2 legit 2 quit.
And dude's just laughing when Shannon brings up the time he saw her van at a gas station and he'd had four dames with him. "I wasn't cheatin' then," sayeth David, who followed Shannon to Florida to convince her to move back to Tennessee when he knew full well that he already had another hussy living with him.
I can only assume this happens with regularity in the Disney Land of NASCAR-Nation Trailer-Parkery.
Fun fact: She says he has "12 or 13" kids; he cops to about 6.
Fun fact No. 2: I'd have to think he owes her the $465 she needs for the kids' sports equipment.
"He's my first true love," Shannon says. But his girlfriend "was in our bed when I was on the couch asleep. He kicks me and our son out. I had to live with his mom."
"Couldn't get her to quit partying in stuff so I had to start seeing another girl," retorted David, who listened when girlfriend told him not to attend his daughter's birth. "The girl I'm dating is pretty nice. She helps me pay my bills and stuff. She does everything I ask."
I don't know about you, but I think David's getting a bum rap here. What's wrong with impregnating everything in sight, and juggling womenfolk square in the same double-wide?
Nothing, that's what.
Shame on you for you turning this against David, Shannon.

Nathaniel Williams vs Nicole Williams

2009-11-18T08:07:00.000-08:00

Here's what the Nathaniel and Nicole Williams' marriage looks like after a year:
-- Nicole, who has two-toned hair, likes to throw dishes at people, and break them over their heads. This is only a problem when "their" means "a young daughter's."
-- Nathaniel, who seemingly talks a good game, likes to take Nicole to strip clubs to set threesomes up. This is only a problem since Nicole doesn't like sharing now that they're married, particularly since he wants menages all tha time. And that's a problem since pre-weddin', Nicole was all up on that MFF action.
Awesome.
So back and forth they go. Nicole's lazy and uncaring, in Nathaniel's eyes. The marriage was doomed from the beginning, in Nicole's eyes, even after they shared 13 girlfriends. "When we go out, it's a mutual thing," says Nathaniel, "she was never forced. We got this thing when we get together, we draw women to us. And my swagger's a 100, so you know what I'm saying, it is what it is." To which, Nicole just laughed.
Judge Lynn's fascinated by this point, asking all about the intricacies of threesome arrangment. Well, Nicole interjects that, "they take one look at me and they automatically want to go home. HE AIN'T GOT NO SWAGGER ABOUT HIMSELF!"
She then says that she "just sits back and watch." To which Nathaniel was cut-off while asking what she's doing while watching: "Well she don't watch for long!"
From there, attention turned to:
-- Nathaniel being a pig and not cleaning up after himself.
-- Nathaniel moving his brother (and family) in, and Nicole moving her mammy in to the home
-- Nicole displaying some "angry-sister" syndrome because "you not gonna talk crazy to me."
-- Nicole got two cars impounded on him.
-- Their last fight was about chicken, specifically who got the first plate of it. This is a big deal, apparently, when he took too much chicken and refused to put some back, so she smacked the plate out his hand. Thus, he smacked her, and the cops be'lee'd him. (She says he hit her in the face; he conceded that he pushed her across the floor.)
This one lost all luster when it got away from the threesome talk though. You know it. I know it. And Judge Toler knows it.

Jessica Carver vs Peter Dayton

2009-11-17T10:36:00.000-08:00

On first blush, I was in Jessica Carver's corner. She was cute during the split-second show intro, in a daytime stripper kind of way. But then she opened her busted-up mouf, complaining about waffles and syrup all over the living room, saying Peter wanted to make her a trophy wife. This lent to the question of, What kind of trophy does a guy wit cornrows who works at Little Caesars want? Or, better yet, deserve?
So anyway, Peter says Jessica's jealous, controlling and unwilling to compromise. I think the complaints about waffle litter attest to all three of those things. "He's straight-up full-of-it," says daytime stripper who says he thought, after realizing she had a head on her shoulders, that "I can live off her."
From there, it turned into a "Who's more unstable" contest. Which is f'in awesome.

Round One: Peter took sheets off the bed, said he was going to hang himself from the balcony. Which is totally unstable, unless it's a 5'9 balcony and a 6'3 dude "hanging." Jessica went to sleep after he'd tried to hang himself.
I call that one a draw.

Round Two: In a heated argument, she scratched him up with a whole bunch of rings.
"I was bleeding, mauled. I didn't want to hurt her," he says.
"I'm sorry," interjected Jessica, "but you need to stop lying."
Added Peter, "At the time, I had an anger problem. I called the police to make sure it wouldn't get out of hand."
"Ooh hoo," Jessica retorted. "That was self-defense. ... He is playing that victim-card out."
Another draw.

Round Three: She's military. Once they broke up, she went back to Maryland. They traded lines on Myspace and he convinced her to come join him in New Mexico. She went, and while visiting him at "Sonic," his friends called her fat (she isn't) and ugly (up for debate, in a physical sense, when the strip-club lights are dim at least).
One time, he kicked her out and took a 17-year-old broke-up braces-sporting chick out on a date, a date that Jessica's money funded, mind you. When the cops arrived at that one, he told them she was a crazy ex who showed up all stalky.
Yet another draw.

All I can say is, thank Christ this wasn't a pay-per-view brawl. I'd be pissed to spend any more than $5.99 on it.

DaJuan Davis vs Tera Alford

2009-11-17T10:16:00.001-08:00

Oh man, oh man, oh man, what DO we have here. Seems that DaJuan Davis wants to leave Tera Alford "after seven years of being together" (which leads me to believe they're playing fast and loose with the term "divorce") because she constantly rides him about what he feeds his step-daughters because they obese, wit' wide hips and all.
"When they ask me to eat, I feed em," sayeth DaJuan.
When asked by Judge Toler what she eats, Tyera, who is one of the two step-daughters up in the courtroom says, "Nuggets. Cheesesteaks. Fries. Soda." I think they're from North Philly with that kinda diet.
So anyway, Tera's all coke-thin, naw'mean? And the daughters, well, Jame Gumb might've liked them for his lady suit, naw'mean?
"We eat out, but he cook for us too," says the other step-daughter Shakema. "We don't eat out every day. Eating at McDonald's once or twice a week is not unhealthy."
"I like what I eat," adds Tyera, "and I think I'm healthy the way I am. I don't think I'm that big. I'm healthy."
Body-image power at its finest. Well, if they hadn't have dragged them roomy kids onto daytime television to wade into the middle of a grown-up problem.
Anyway, it devolves into a debate about why Tera be ridin him all the time. There seems to be a sense of entitlement since she's making all the money, taking care of him and paying all the bills. Tera looks to be an emasculating binge-and-purger. Get away, DaJuan, after you find someone else who'll make bank but won't get on you about keeping the house presentable while she's out in the rat races.

Alex Vacca vs Thom Vacca vs Armageddon

2009-11-13T08:00:00.000-08:00

Just when you thought it was safe to put your local Fox affiliate on.
Now, a Divorce Court episode about UFO abductions is one thing. But when cutiepie-butter-with-Cindy-Brady-lisp-and-underbite Alex Vacca has to say, "He has gone completely insane, and believes that the Apocalypse is happening," well, that bears concern. Even if the lady has some gingerism too her.
Seems that Alex's husband has just snapped over the past six months or so. He joined some group called Apocalypse Soon that has all of this proof about super-volcanos and whatnot that purportedly hasten the world's end. Asked for evidence of said end-times, Thom -- a snooty douche who should probably have recognized his dame has a tight, slammingly lithe body and got up on that for what little time we all have left -- responds with an arrogant sigh and, "Where would you like me to begin?" Then, he gets all into that movie trailer about the Mayans who say the world will end 12.21.12 and claims he has consulted ancient texts. His additional ancillary evidence includes:
-- Super Volcanos
-- The return of West Nile Virus
-- Terrorist Threats
-- The Economy
-- Tsunamis
"It's all right in front of our face," he says.
To which Judge Toler thinks that maybe the Mayans just didn't see those white folks (Spaniards) coming to wipe them out on their own peoples' armageddon. Touche, Lynn. "There's always been horror and terror in the world. You're just upset that it's happening to you," she said.
So here's what I'm thinking: Thom is a relatively smart guy, but he's always been enraged that people don't think he's too smart. He hooks up with like-intelligenced folk who said, "Well, we know how to get back at the world: We'll make a case that they're all gonna die. They're not, of course. But oh how everybody will think we have super brains and super smarts!"
When asked what the group is doing to prepare for what'll happen next December, Alex interjects, "They're quitting their jobs. They're selling their wives' crystal and cars ..."
Thom says they're stockpiling supplies and preparing their minds on a "spiritual level. ... This is my calling."
"I don't know who he is anymore," she says. "He's turned unreasonably crazy, and reckless, and cruel. Our future together, he doesn't see that we have a future together, because there is no future."
Thom says he wants Judge Lynn and the audience to get on-board, too. He then displays a hand-signal they do, while chanting "Ohmm" while pressing both pinkies into their forehead.
The court brings, via cam, Skeptic Magazine Publisher Dr. Michael Shermer into the mix. Yeah, he's heard about the Mayan thing. How couldn't he? It's a Lloyd Dobler movie, after all. His advice? "Mayans had no sense of an end of the world" to which Thomas asks in vain, "Did you talk to the Mayans?" This exchange sums it up nicely:

Thom: What about NASA being concerned with the 2012 and solar flares?
Shermer: NASA is not concerned with 2012.
Thom: WHAT?
Shermer: I've talked to NASA scientists and they have no concern about this at all.
Thom: I really disagree with you but I appreciate your (input).
Shermer: The worst thing would be that Twitter would crash for a day.
Laughs all around, except from Thom's direction
Shermer: If he really believes the world is coming to an end, he should give all of his stuff to his wife right now. Just turn it all over to her because, what does he need his stuff for if the world's coming to an end.
Thom: Survival.
Shermer: Ma'am, take your stuff and run.

From there, he rips on her for being air-quotes massage therapist. He says she works around germs all day and brings them back to the sacred space he's trying to create. Meanwhile, apparently non-rub-and-tug money is what keeps them in money.
All told, it may or may not be the end of the world as we know it, and Alex Vacca deserves to feel fine. Kick him to the Mexican border, babydoll. You deserve better.
Unless, of course, he's right.

Ricky Owens vs Andrea Owens

2009-11-12T10:40:00.000-08:00

The first thing I noticed about Ricky and Andrea Owens is that they matched. Well, their blue shirts, at least. But they don't apparently match in dreamscaping (Andrea don't be supporting Rickey's rap and barber-shop-owning dreams) and fidelity (Ricky's a cheater, sayeth wife; Andrea's a passion withholder, sayeth husband.) She don't want all those strangers' hair cluttering their house if he only gonna charge $3-$5 a 'do fo friends.
So anyway, he's onto designing sneakers now for a kids' charity, SOK (Save Our Kids.) He be a hustla, that's for sure. But hustlin ain't doing much bank-roll building. And when some tramp writes a letter all like, "I think I might be pregnant wit cho baby, Ricky," well, Andrea ain't having it. I have a feeling Judge Toler ain't gonna be giving Ricky the five grand he says Andrea "spent recklessly." Especially considering he gave her a busted-up 99-cent teddy bear as a gift.
"He think he Snoop Doggy Dogg, but he sound like Snoop Sloggy Slog," said Andrea of Ricky's game. And Ricky's game involved free-styling up in the courtroom.
He was bad. Not bad as in good. But bad like not a very talented rapper.
Sorry Ricky, I fall on the Andrea side of things up in this beeatch, and that's even if she cheated in response to his cheatin wit her best friend.

Kristina Ortiz vs Jose Ortiz

2009-11-12T09:39:00.001-08:00

I would like to present you with a quote from yesterday's Divorce Court hearing:

"First of all, the date we went on, we were walking down Fremont Street, going to the Las Vegas Strip and the guy that I had been seeing, we were actually separated, I was no longer with him, he had still wanted to try to work things out but because he was so unfaithful to me, I didn't want to be with him, we were walking down the street, we passed him, and because I was with him, I wanted, I walked right past him, he didn't even say anything. We had gone all the way down the street, and across the Strip, and he turns around and grabs me and says, 'Well what are you doing' and starts dragging me down the street... If he wanted to be with me so bad, why is he standing there just watching some man grab a hold of me and pulling me down the street."

The run-on grammar may evoke Arthur Kadyshes, but that's not what grabs me. Here's what did: Fremont is nowhere near the Strip. And Fremont is not the place to go for a date. I know this, because of Freddie Morgan.
Hence, I care not to hear another word. Shame on you, Ortizes.

Brian Salinas vs Rachel Salinas and Brian Salinas vs Rachel Salinas' mammy

2009-11-10T10:40:00.000-08:00

So, Rachel Salinas thinks Brian Salinas is a 29-year-old who plays too many video games. Meanwhile, Brian "29 Going on 12" Salinas says Rachel Salinas' meddling mammy gets into the mix too much and chirps when he complains that he didn't like sharing a room with his wife and his wife's 2-year-old brother.
So, mammy dearest (aka Reta Wrase) is in court. She's a terror, a barrel of annoyance. I'm not watching the rest of this episode. How could I after the alien-abduction one, y'know?

Jerry Chambers vs. Patsy Chambers

2009-11-10T10:09:00.000-08:00

Well, I don't know how to git on up in this one other than offering a transcript of the opening of today's show. So, here goes transcribing:

Announcer: After 15 years of marriage, Jerry Chambers is divorcing Patsy Chambers because he's tired of her claims of being abducted by aliens.
Cut to Jerry Chambers: She always talkin' about UFOs, that she's been abducted.
Patsy Chambers: Oh, it started ever since I was a young child.
Judge Toler: Now I know what happened here... When you were at home, you looked at him and thought, 'He got on a lime-green suit, so I have to come in there with something just as jazzy and good.' Since I don't have anything lime green, I'm gonna break out the aliens.
Announcer: And Patsy says she wants a divorce because Jerry's gained too much weight.
PC: He eats bologna sandwiches, not with one piece of bologna, not with two pieces of bologna. The whole package. [Faux big-biting pantomimes.] Then he looks at me and says, 'This sho' is good. [More faux biting pantomimes.]

Fucking splendid. This is what it's all about, y'all!!! And I just don't mean this couple. This is what makes AMERICA great!!!
So anyway, Patsy is saying that Jerry's too fat, while Jerry saying he looks good. Honestly, I concur. Dude's pure pimpadelic. Even if he jumped from 175 to 350 lbs. Dude's smooth. Dude's a fashion icon. And he's all like "I'm not worried about my health. That's what I pay the doctors for." Besides, Jerry says, "she eat just as much pieces of chicken as me."
Yet despite all his dame's heckling, Jerry has the class to say, "She might have been abducted. But, I just thank God they brought you back and dropped you off 'nstead of keeping you up there in that spaceship."
"They didn't pick me up one time and I sleep next to her!" Jerry said while Patsy was breaking down how they just keep coming back. But then intergalactic details came back on Jerry's health.

Patsy: "Number one: They're not fat. They care about their health."
Jerry: "They ain't got no mouth. They can't eat!"
Toler: "You made that up!"
Patsy: "I did not! I did not!"
Jerry: "They look like ants."

Oh, side note: She also sees "dead people."
To which Toler says, "So, you see dead people. You visit aliens. And, you mad 'cause he's eatin' pork?"
Well, they delve into sobriety, lack of sex, book burning and other boring topics that really had no place entering a case about a guy who doubled his weight and a chick who be Reese's Pieces tight with E.T.
I, for one, believe. So please, Jerry, if you see this, use the comments section to phone home.

Rhonda Bell vs. Ronald Bell

2009-11-09T14:15:00.000-08:00

I'm calling shenanigans right off the bat today. Rhonda is in Divorce Court because Ronnie's a "neat freak" who takes a screwdriver into the bathroom to break down the toilet in order to clean it. I concur with Ronnie that "cleanliness is next to godliness." You see, my DVDs are in alphabetical order and if I notice, say, Friday is before 8 Mile, I will stare at it until I stand up and remedy the situation.
"If the dishes are dirty, they need to be in the dish water," sayeth Ronnie. "I think being dirty is pecular."
Neat freakiness is not a bad trait unless you're in that movie with Julia Roberts when her cray-zee husband went all OCD with the Campbell's Soup plans.
"We know God wants us to be clean," says Ronnie, who even organizes Rhonda's shoes.
It seems that Rhonda is at fault here. I don't know how best to defend a woman who says she'll pick up after her five year old son even when he's 40. Ronnie, he's trying to teach the kid responsibility. Rhonda, she's trying to baby him fo life. Great work if you can get it, sure, but c'mon, Rhonda, you trippin'. Judge Toler right: Let our men be men, lest they roam the earth unfulfilled and unprepared for anything but slangin' rock.
Ronnie's a man of God, knew all the books of the Bible by four. Rhonda, she claims she loves Christ but the "Old Testament don't like women, so being a woman, I don't like the Old Testament. ... They say we evil, we gonna be the downfall of men and that I don't like." When Ronnie got the kid baptized when Rhonda was out of town, well, that's where the final battle line was drawn. And, no amount of cleaning her shoes in the world could remedy the situation.

Ling

2009-11-07T11:16:00.001-08:00

Myranda Bridges vs. Brandon Bridges

2009-11-06T11:53:00.000-08:00

White people say the craziest things.
Like Myranda Bridges, a dame with an even-too-loony-for-a-circus grin, thicker-than-a-thicket-of-sticker-bushes eyebrows, and all sorts of colors dangling from her neck. "I want a divorce from this worthless, lazy race-tracker who doesn't do anything but care about his barn that's full of horses. ... He loves his horses more than he loves me or his family."
Or like Brandon Bridges, who kisses his horses and gambles on the ponies all while looking like that Bateman guy from American Psycho: "It started coming off the tracks when Myranda here could not transition from beauty queen to wife. She still thinks she should be up on a pedestal."
I mean, in the beauty-queen pix, Myranda's got a tight, tight body. Points awarded for that, but then deducted for whinery.
Seems that she doesn't like Brandon bringing dirty boots home, or leaving his dishes in the sink.
This is like a subpar Honeymooners that wouldn't even grab interest from CW execs.
Oh, so Queenie plays the guitar. Alanis, she's not. She went acoustic with a song ripping Brandon. It was uncomfortable to listen to.
She wants to be an entertainer. But entertaining, she isn't.
So Brandon, who didn't think he could be wit just one woman since sex be his temptation, says they ain't banging much anymore. Myranda says that's because he just comes in all grabbing for breastuses and whatnot without playing fore. She said she offered 15 minutes of bedplay everyday for 5 minutes of cleaning 'round the house.
I'm bored.
Go away, Bridges x2.

Cheryl Ling vs. Chris Roth *With an Update

2009-11-05T16:02:00.000-08:00

I imagine this is what Neil Armstrong felt like when he took those first human steps on la luna, or Edison when he got that jolt. Even three seconds into the intro, this was the case I was meant to blog about. Nay. This is the case I was born to blog about. (If such woefully uninspired
Let's start with some politically incorrect initial observations: I was thinking that they met either a) online b) through a mail-order-bride catalog or c) at a massage parlor. Their relationship was loving enough that he'd invested in an enhancement or two, three, hell-if-I-know for her. I suspect that this rendered him unable to go to that year's Renaissance Faire, where each year he tries to up his game as something along the lines of an Orc, or a misunderstood magician. Hard to know for sure.
Then she starts shrieking. Cultural differences that he doesn't respect. "He's a bigot. He does not understand my Chinese culture."
"Well, we're in the United States," he chimes in after some hardly intelligibility out of Dame Ling.
Looking at her is like looking at one of those picture-in-a-picture things. But looking at him, he's creepy. And he seems paranoid. Skinny, but jowly. He's got coin. He got the opposite of augmented.
Then it goes off the rails.
Her panto-screeching. She said she eats steak and potatoes sometimes. Then, she breaks out a duck-head: "I know. It does. NoT looK thaT PRUE-EETY but if you EAT duCK MEAT, this is just PART of DUCK which happenstobe a HEAD, it doesn't lookverygood, [undecipherable]."
Judge for yourself...

... Then, it was a chicken claw. "Black folks eat chicken feet, right," interjects Judge Toler. "I mean," hands involved in the conversation, "It's part of our thang. We do do that."
Hoof of pig, "which is called a hog."
"If you eat ham, which you do eat ham, you eat ham. If you eat ham I don't see any reason you can not eat a pig feet."
Then, it's his turn. She won't hold his hand in public. She disrespects people in clubs when she's dancing with "her wild moves."
That, apparently, is baloney or bologna. But not really. They got tossed from the bar. I can't imagine why.
Well, 12 minutes in, Cheryl has morphed into the Full Metal Jacket hooker once they make the transition to what I think was Hanoi? The love-you-long-time one. She dances around in a circle as the audience and judge clap along and Go Girl'er.
He brings her naughty unmentionables in in a purple bag. (She dragged the stand flailing to grab stuff; she says the pink body thong is his: "He wear it! AHHHK!")
She brings an autographed White Jesus card into the mix. She recites some of White Jesus gridiron statistics.
And by the end of it, I thought, for a split second, that her facial bones had shifted. Chalk it up to life's mysteries.
They must've met in a parlor.

**UPDATE**
I googled Chris and Cheryl. This is what I came up with:

Sara Brown vs. Floyd Brown

2009-11-04T09:51:00.000-08:00

Ok, so Sara thinks Floyd's cheating because he had two (of three) condoms on him one time and he responded that he was holding them "for a friend." He also purportedly puts his rap career before family building. Same old song and dance, really.
I mean, back in my 20s, when I had Top 40 rap-dance hits (as the third member of Kid 'N Play), I was accused of the same thing. It all worked out alright for me. But it doesn't seem to be working out well for Floyd, who stuttered his way clear into admitting that he had, in fact, cheated wit some womenfolk. "I can't control what women send to my phone," Floyd said when asked about noodz popping up -- no pun intended -- on his cellie.
She says they have problems communicating. I wish that extended to an aversion to appearing on televised Divorce Court. The bar is high here, folks, as well it should be. This case just don't surpass it. So, thank Christ a SEPTA press conference interrupted the case 15 minutes in.
Which leads me to another point: The TWU 234 union, and its leader Willie Brown, are morally inferior to each and every person that I've seen on Divorce Court in the past 10 months.

Ernesto Bailey vs. Sierra Bailey

2009-11-04T09:29:00.001-08:00

Let's compile a little list:
Ernesto Bailey had his wife Sierra's parents arrested for threatening him. "I'd do it again. I wish I'd have did it again yesterday," he says. He also confirms that he did, in fact, hit Sierra's dad.
Ernesto Bailey knocked another lady up. Sierra hasn't cheated.
Sierra Bailey burned Ernesto's clothes; she says he can't hold a job. (Like the time he quit a job throwing boxes because someone threw a box at him.)
Ernesto Bailey claims he's been working non-stop for seven years since "she's the boss."
Sierra Bailey seems really mouthy, and not in a good way.
Ernesto Bailey, who likes to hang out outside of "his building" alone, seems really controlling about his bride showing some skin, and not in a good way.
To mine eyes, this seems like a draw.

But there is a very important point to be made here: PHILLY GETS A SHOUT-OUT, YO! I mean, it's not a big one. Ernesto merely pointed out that Sierra went to Philadelphia with her parents one time.
And, at that point, it all made sense: Sierra totally seems like she's got Strawberry Mansion or Olney all up in her genes 'n sh*t. I should've known the second I heard she had had another guy's baby.
Sierra wins. It is so ordered.

Tracey Dior vs. Kiva Dior

2009-11-04T08:56:00.000-08:00

If I can't be honest with you, dear Divorce Court fans, who can I be honest with? Nobody, that's who. So it should go without saying that the only reason I'm taking the least bit of time to write this standard-seeming case up is simple: Tracey Dior is relatively attractive, in a pole-dancing kind of way. There's something about natural blondes. Ha, I know she's keeping Clorox in bid'ness, but still. She can spin round and round for dolla billz anyday.
I mean, it's kind of cool that her ladyboy husband is asking for $2,400 from hot chick for the therapy she's forced him into. He calls her a pathological liar and habitual cheater who dates his co-workers. She cops to cheating, but only after his errant ways landed sexy texts from other ladies -- on her phone! How's this for a noteworthy D.C. exchange:
Judge Toler: "You currently have a boyfriend, correct?"
Hot chick, with a saucy smirk: "No, I have a girlfriend."
Kiva: "That just looks like a boy."
Then, a picture of lady love was put up on the courtroom screen. I'll be honest: it could've been naughtier. But I digress.
He said he was in that marriage alone. I'd ask why he didn't spare no expense to bring her into the mix. Calling her gender-defying-lover "Frodo" probably didn't help, though. FWIW: Frodo called Kiva the "Predator" because of the spying from the bushes -- no pun intended. She even called his cellie one time and could hear the "Fergalicious" ringtone. Then, she proffered that her man-piece was actually gay because he liked strawberry daquiris. I don't know him, so I shan't pass judgement, but Fergalicious? "And I'm not the only one," said Tracey, who got a little less hot when she started bitching about jewelry and the lack of reception thereof.
"Well, he doesn't touch me. And I lost, I used to weigh 290 pounds, I lost 152 pounds and he stopped being attracted to me," she points out.
Whoa! I think we can end it there. She seems pretty cold-hearted. Well, as cold-hearted as a hot bisexual gal can be.

Jessie Walker vs. Robert Walker, Tha Update Session

2009-11-02T11:10:00.000-08:00

Yo, these two folks were on back in March, during an era that the D.C. updates were confined to Facebook status updates. The times, they might have changed for me, but they didn't for the Walkers. Seems that Robert is even more stingy than he was back in the Spring. And THAT was the second time they were in Judge Toler's courtroom. So, what gives?
I mean, it ain't like Robert's gonna go out and grab some strange. Nope, Jessie's the pinnacle for ole Robert-san. I mean, sure, the dame admits to sweeping up any loot that Robert leaves around the house. He started putting it in the Bible, cause she don't read the Bible, but she found it the next day. He says she smelt it.
While Robert was ordered to give her $50 a week, Jessie brought a circus-big-top of a bra in to show her honor the extend of her wardrobe. Robert just laughed.
But then, Jessie brought us what I think is a Divorce Court first: She did what all good chicks do at Mardi Gras. Thank God she left some of it on. Look ...

Oh, Robert was just laughing again. Seems that it's all in good fun for 'im.
"He needs to buy me some undergarments!" she says. "That's cold-blooded stuff your honor."
Robert: "I get her anything she wants."
Jessie: "Liar! Liar!"
Robert: "Look at it this way: Why should I, when she steal all the money anyway?"
Brian: Touche!
Jessie then accused him of not only being stingy with the money, but stingy with the love. Hard times all around, yo.
Robert: "If she would only close her mouth for five minutes, I would be happy. If she would stay out of my drawer, and out of my wallet, I would be OK."
Oh, Robert's 82 and Jessie's 56 and they just found out Robert had cancer. Total buzzkill, right?
So, Jessie don't really want to leave him. "He needs me, your honor," she says. And when Robert is asked whether he wants to keep on keepin' on with Jessie (this, after the judge said they can't be coming back to court for a fourth time), Robert responds, "This the last time I'm coming here. Yes (I still want a divorce.)"
Then, Toler explained that she's going to walk with a whole lotta cash should they go through with the divorce. Robert, who is called "Doctor," said he makes "eight thousand, or sixteen hundred, a month," which Jessie corrects to the accurate "$3,000." The final tally? $1,200 a month for the next six months.
But I know it, Robert knows it, Jessie knows it and Judge Toler knows it: The Walkers will not get divorced.

Jamie Bell vs. Wali Bell

2009-10-30T08:44:00.001-07:00

Quick: Guess why Jamie Bell wants Wally Bell to pay her $2,695 in car damages? That's right: He threw a bucket of fish into the vehicle and crushed it all up. You know, so the stink really settled in.
Great, great start.
So, allow me to part with the P.C. path for a moment. I think it's necessary. What we have here is a case of Jungle Love (oh ee oh ee oh) gone awry.
One time, Wali called Jamie and told her she needed to rush home immediately. That her son had busted his head open. When she got there, she quickly noticed that Wali had opened a ketchup pack and put in on kiddie's head. This Wali, I like him. I like him a lot. He smirks when he denies rememberin' that incident. Meanwhile, Wali, who calls his white wife "cracka, cow, different things like that" says she's known around his work site as "the truth patrol" for showing up and axcing questions pertaining to where he be at. "I can't help being white," says Jamie.
No, Jamie, you can't.
Side note: Jamie sounds like that white chick from Flavor of Love who tries to sound black. What's her name? Becky Buckwild?
But Wali, he can't help being like that Michael Winslow guy from the Police Academy series, but without the skill of making all those funny noises. He's kind of entertaining, in an unentertaining way. Granted, that white chick is friggin' crazy, but Wali ain't gotta be stepping to her with the insults, neither. He should have thought about that before knocking her white ass up three times. Sorry. Truth.
Anyway, Wali's brother, Sir Bell, was brought into court. Sir Bell. That's f'in awesome. Well, Sir's all like "Jamie cray-zee. Wali oughta leave." But, brother ain't in the clear here neither. One time, Jamie paid Sir $20 to check up on whether Jamie was out with some other tramp. Sir did. Wali was. Jamie whooped dat ass.
"Your brother gave you up for twenty dollars," Judge Lynn said.
Lie detector time!!! Well, Wali may know how to beat the lie-detector test by holding his breath, which is why he volunteered to do so. So anyway, he lied about:
-- whether he been wit other women
-- whether he fathered another woman's child and
-- whether he cheated with more than eight women.
"Your honor, I don't know how it come up like that," sayeth Wali. "I 'idn't do it."
Then, he surreptitiously made noises as if a fire alarm was going off so Tackleberry could enter undetected and set things right.

Todd Turner vs Shantae Turner

2009-10-29T09:15:00.000-07:00

I ain't saying Shantae Turner is a gold digger. Shantae Turner is. Her husband is, too. I mean, she tells Judge Toler straight up that the love went cold when the money dried up, not to mention that she wants to give their child a credit card. When she turns five. F'real.
I mean, Shantae's looking fine, big ears notwithstanding. But Shantae a cheater, a wiry, squeaky cheater. Todd even got the dude she was cheatin wit on the horn ("She just that good. That's why I still mess around wit'er.") She "straight up tell me" about other dalliances. But he loved her so much, he forgave her. That was mistake No. 1 of many. Answering the why question about cheating, "It was fun at the time." When asked if she felt remorse, she said, "No." When asked why she stayed with Todd, "because he spoiled me rotten. I got to do whatever I want. ... I got anything and everything I wanted."
"I'm not a sugar daddy, your honor," came Todd's response.
Let's be honest, if not just to ourselves:
Shantae Turner is an outright whore. She probably likes the Yankees. She nails dudes in their apartment after kicking their kids out.
Asked what her problem with Todd's weight is, Outright Whore responded, "Ok, if he's on top, isn't he gonna squish me? C'mon, I'm only like a 100 pounds. ... He wouldn't pay for my boob job; I wanted one!"
Well allow me to speak for the men of America when I say 1) She needed "a boob job" and 2) She also needs a lips-sewn-shut, ears-reduction, morals and respectability jobs.
Sorry-ass tramp.
I said a prayer that the DNA tests would come back Todd's-not-the-dad of Tatiana and Thomas, spawn of an Outright Whore. Well, Tatiana was Todd's baby. And Thomas? Todd's too. Trapped. Sad.

Heather Hodges vs. Billy Hodges

2009-10-29T08:43:00.000-07:00

First things first: Billy Hodges looks pure periwinkle pimp wearing Carolina blue from head to toe, and Heather Hodges followed what I consider to be a fantastic trend of ladies wearing lime-green up in the Divorce Court. Both are to be commended.
But that's where the commendations run dry, for Billy up and left Heather for LaVonda since, as per LaVonda, "I was giving him the love and attention that she wasn't giving him." Judge Lynn didn't like that much; she pointed out that LaVonda shouldn't be messing with the married men.
But then Billy brought the Case of the Missing $300 From the Joint Account up at Heather and Heather was all "No, I was not deliquent on a loan ... He wrote some bills that hasn't been paid and I got them right here." Billy done paid the gas bill in February, so yawn; Billy's got the blue shoes. Billy's got the props.
So anyway, Heather says she lost 30 pounds by "trying to go to the gym" or something like that. I think she went. I'm happy she lost the weight before the TV appearance. Well, lo and behold, LaVonda's brought into the courtroom. Turns out Billy-y-Heather's wedded bliss lasted 30 days. "My wife pushed me away. She didn't appreciate me. She didn't treat me like a man, like I deserve to be treated. And LaVonda gave me something that I was looking for. She spiced up my sexual life and just turned me to something ... I wasn't getting the respect, the honesty and my wife was stingy."
"I'm not no go-out person," said Heather. I think I know what that means but, hell, what's wrong with not not being no go-out person? Did I mention Heather wants $6,900 in transitional support? She even brought her cousin Toschia Thomas up to the podium for her take on Billy.
My attention just wandered away, though. Got bored with the quickness. This episode could've used some Cliff Lee action.

Nicole Sargent vs. DeLawrence Adley **Updated re: Shenanigans

2009-10-27T09:11:00.000-07:00

Hey, these two look familiar! They were on Divorce Court last November when Judge Lynn told -- nay, berated -- Nicole to leave DeLawrence's triflin' ass. Well, she didn't. And, what do you know, 11 months later, they're back? Who'd have thunk it.
There are two interesting facets of this update ...
1) Nicole doused DeLawrence's clothes with lighter fluid and let it all burn because "once again, I was bamboozed, run amok and led astray, drug through the mud, by DeLawrence." It was her "Waiting to Exhale" moment. He proceeded to say he don't come around anymore, amid her "no child support" rampage, because he "don't like you."
2) This guy who came into the courtroom ...

... with what appear to be side of the Atlantic City Expressway mums or something. Well that doesn't take away from the fact that love most definitely in the Divorce Court air. Even though Nicole is legally still his wife -- this came up during a conversation about a five-year-old seeing DeLawrence, who Nicole deems an "Internet whore," strut out tha bathroom to git some -- this is a dude named Anthony Rudolph. He seems like an extra in Commando, though DeLawrence said he's more like a "burnt banana." While DeLawrence mocked and carried-on, Mr. Rudolph professed his protective love for Nicole.
Then, he proposed. I'll say it again:
HE DROPPED TO A M'FING KNEE IN FRONT OF A DIVORCE COURT PODIUM.
And, before accepting, he said "Oooh, look at this Judge." After admiring the ring for a moment, she said she couldn't accept unless polygamy is legalized.
That is all for now.

From Facebook:
Magdalynn Pule Briones

I'm a long time fan of Divorce Court and am pretty disappointed with today's shows. The woman on the first showing, who had brought her 52-year-old boyfriend of 6 months, seemed to be in it for publicity, and then the next showing with the ...crazy woman and her cats?!?! Hope things get back to "normal" and that the guests remain real.

Divorce Court

Magdalynn, we do our best as a television show to ensure that all of our guests are real. We verify marriage licenses and spend a lot of time talking to the couples before we travel them to Los Angeles. With that being said, The Adley's did seem over-the-top and that is the very reason Judge Lynn dismissed their case.

Glenn Cloud vs. Rosalie Cloud

2009-10-27T08:53:00.000-07:00

Well, this is a simple one.
Wife says hubby is a Mr. Know It All who'll argue even breastfeeding techniques with a woman who already breastfed a child. (In addition, he claimed that "decrepit" wasn't a real word when she used it. He fires back that she said "decripted.")
Husband, who is a 50-60-hour-a-week "salesman" seems like a total f*cking douchebag who is not nearly as smart as I am, says wife isn't a good housekeeper and that it isn't a full-time job if she stops to watch Divorce Court. He also says she's a nag. He also refuses to let her go out with him on his birthday.
Fine, she does seem a bit of a nag who wields annoyance like a dark-haired, fun-dampening, baby-with-another-dude scamp's broom, but all the nagging in the world doesn't make up for one thing: Her younger sister's number is saved in his cellphone under the name, "Fun Sex." He claimed a girl from work who had a crush on him put it in there to make Rosalie mad. Sure she did. There, there Glenn, a smart person would've come up with a believable excuse for that one.
Just a question: Are morons of this ilk really worthy of airtime?
No, I say.

Derek "Deacon" Holmes vs. Karla "Kheater" Holmes

2009-10-27T08:22:00.000-07:00

Wow. Truth up front: This case was an honest, legitimate look at the pains of divorce not a jokey sort of one with all sorts of slurs being thrown about. Derek vs. Karla had the feel of a cleaned-up Dr. Phil, an Oprah-look at what happens when the man in the relationship tells the woman that he's gone if she cheats and, after she cheats, because she thought he was cheating, when he wasn't cheating, he leaves. In pain. Like an honest-to-goodness decent person.
Fine, there are some old school complaints. Derek says she stopped cleaning and catering to him after he put a ring on it. Karla says he turned all "deacon" and controlling and didn't like his friends. At issue: Her gay friends. She said he had a problem with them. He said he didn't have an issue with them, but with a flamboyance, the "just being loud" when they walk in the house and the baby's sleeping. Ain't a hate of a lifestyle, whatsoever.
Then, Karla says, "he thinks the woman's place is in the household." To which he says, "Well, to some degree, yes your Honor." Deacon thinks a woman should tend to her family, rather than the friends she'd already talked to all day. Point, Derek.
Even as they go 'round and 'round the divorcarosel, you can tell that these people are still in love with one another. (Another issue was "pop lockin and droppin" which Karla says she was doing even before they got married but Derek would appreciate some growing up going on.
A few fun facts:
-- Derek stays out late sometimes, like till 3 a.m., so Karla keeps locksets in the trunk of her car so she can change the locks to the house on a moment's notice.
-- Karla teared up, ripped up, eight of his suits, three pair of shoes and "three of my new hats." Then, she said she would have got the rest of it, but she had to go to work. She admits she felt better when she was done. But, she also accepts she has to work on her anger issues.
-- Karla explains that she actually loses weight when she's pregnant. She thought she looked good. Derek called her Miss Twiggy. "He married somebody thick." Judge Toler: "You like them thick." Derek: "Yes, Ma'am."
-- When Karla admitted to cheating, Toler told Derek he should've opened with that fact! "Told myself it was getting even with him, but I just felt low," she says.
-- She was pregnant three weeks later. Came clean. Damn conscience. "I couldn't wait nine months to find out" whose child it was," she says. If the DNA comes back not-him, Derek says he's altogether out the picture. But the DNA test came back Derek so he didn't even want to collect reimbursement for the ripped-up clothes.
The conclusion: He wants to take care of the kid, even if they must get divorced.
At which point, her honor declared, "Anybody looking, anybody paying attention, this is what a man is, this is what a man does. This is what we're looking for. Mr. Holmes, you the man. I don't know what else to say." Here here.
Now, I hope the next episode is back down in the trailer-park mud. I can't handle meaningful sh*t on Divorce Court too often.

Chris Morgason vs. Kristina Morgason

2009-10-23T09:15:00.000-07:00

It takes a lot for me to be at a loss for words. But, I am right now.
I'll try to get you through it, though. Chris Morgason wants to leave Kristina Morgeson because he fell back in amour with his "first true love" Dusty. So, he was still with Dusty Sanders when he knocked Kristina up and he married her, but Dusty don't stop belieeeeeeevin that it ain't his damn kid. Meanwhile, Kristina wants a divorce because Chris -- who, really, look at the picture, should he be jugglin two bitches even if said bitches are of trailer-park stock? -- has left her 1, 2, 3 times for "Miss Nasty over there." Oh, snap.
As for the pregnancy, Chris has opted to go the black-out drunk route. "I was sitting in my room playing with my 'game station.' She brought alcohol in. I started drinking it. I got a little tipsy. And she just came from my sister's room, after visiting her. Came to my room, brought alcohol in there. I was sitting there. She was saying all obscenities and everything. She's wanting to do this. She's wanting to do that. That's all I remember."
Dude. Seriously? C'mon. Such a scoundrel. And a baby-denying scoundrel at that. Chris Morgason, you sicken me. And, Kristina and Dusty? You both do, too.
This is like a freakin' circus sideshow with carnies gangbanging on stage and reproducing, with imps and gremlins emerging from a Morgeson freak egg, inside of which they fully developed within three weeks.
Oh, then it gets into one of these two creatures having a "black baby." I tuned out at that point, because this crew probably uses different terminology when not on camera. (No, I don't mean bastard child, either.) And then, Kristina said they were still screwing about two months ago. There was also a mention of dead mothers coming up during post-baby-birth talk.
When will the madness end? Will ANYBODY think of the children?! (Including the one that ended up actually being Chris'. Sucka.)
I'm not one for binging and purging, but after seven minutes of this freakshow, I want to pull the trigger. That -- and that alone -- will make me feel better about humanity.

Mellanie Norwood vs. Richard Norwood vs. Grace-Ann

2009-10-23T08:52:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well. Another case all about tha dogg.
Mellanie Norwood wants to leave Richard Norwood because he thinks she done cares about their rat-dog Grace Ann more than she cares about him. But Melanie, she says one time Grace-Ann tried to hump Richard's chest and he done tossed her 'cross the room. In fact, it might have been one of the times that Mellanie gave Grace-Ann some white wine. And that's wrong because?
"He loves her falsely," Mellanie says of Richard's relationship with Grace-Ann.
Like, one time when she got back from Bingo and found Grace-Ann soaking wet. Turns out she bit him, so he hit her and she was all layed out on the floor so he put her in the shower to try and wake her up. "The dog started acting like he had an Exorcist. I had to perform an Exorcist on this dog!" says Richard, who also complains that Mellanie gives the dog T-Bone and the husband hamburger meat. "The dog has insurance, and I didn't."
I'm gonna say it right here, right now: Richard Norwood is as pimp as Don the Magic Juan. I'd love to kick back with him sometime, talk dog-throwing shop and whatnot.
But, I am a bit concerned that, as per Mellanie, "Mr. Norwood is a licensed journeyman plumber, and he been plumbing somewhere else." She followed that statement up with an "Mmm Hmm" type look. If she hadn't have been holding Grace-Ann, methinks she'd have done that triple snap to assert dominance in said conversation. A lot of his dalliances occurred while Mellanie was playing Bingo. If I might run with that for a moment, "O-69, O-69. BINGO!"
In conclusion, Mellanie eavesdropped on a conversation with an elderly-woman customers in which said customer said, "I want you to bring me over one of them long brown cigars. You know the kind I like." ... "I know she was paying you for more than just the plumbing." To which Richard Norwood smirked in Judge Lynn's direction and raised his eyebrows, like a long brown cigar salesman would.
Game.
Set.
Match.

Michelle Hasan vs. Qaadir Hasan

2009-10-23T08:27:00.001-07:00

Lyin' tramp.
Those are the words that came to mind when Qaadir Hassan went into intricate detail, explaining how his dame told him that this guy she was palling around with was her brother or something. You can imagine how Qaadir felt when he learned that dude who stayed at their house with an over-night bag was, in fact, her ex-boyfriend and that she had told him that Qaadir was a relative!
Allah, it seems, did NOT have his back for those four months.
I don't care: that alone knocks her out tha box for recovering the $1,571.34 she says her husband of eight years owes her.
You see, Qaadir is a true Muslim; doesn't respect the sex-before-marriage thing, particularly after sex before marriage resulted in a child out of wedlock. He clamped down, though, bringing some sexual tension into the mix once he met Michelle.
This guy seems mentally tight, not like most people in Judge Toler's courtroom. Michelle, too. Until Qaadir mentions that she misled him pre-marriage.
She said she was 21. She was 18. "I was legal, though," Michelle says. Respec'.
At least Michelle cops to being misleading. "Don't ask, don't tell," she says of why she didn't come clean about boyfriend-brother till after the vows was vowed.
So, Toler sums up the pre-court papers as leading her to believe that "sexual tension being at odds with your religious beliefs." Qaadir mmhm'd her. Michelle broke out the stance that "right after we got married that's when all the rules came out." I'm not delving down that philosophical route. Suffice it to say, she was doing "too much huggin' with too many guys." That, and Michelle wasn't allowed to drink and then she slid into some story about "some little girl at my door" told her Qaadir impregnated her. And, not that Qaadir thinks there's anything wrong with that, but Michelle used to party with her gay friends and, climbing a ladder to see into a party they was at, saw her cuddling with another man. "It's not like we were all hugged up, just sitting close to each other," she says.
I've had enough of this Holy War.
Lord have mercy.
Allah have mercy.

Aminah "Anti-SSBBWs" Cole-Howard vs. Stanley "Pro-SSBBWs" Howard

2009-10-20T08:34:00.000-07:00

Aminah Cole-Howard wants to divorce Stanley Howard because Stanley Howard is obsessed with car-audio systems.
Yawn.
I don't care if he watches Youtube videos of car-audio systems. I don't care that he installed some hoopdie style in their daughter's Barbie car. Like he says, it's a way to get away from the daily grind, make a little coin on the side.
Aminah just mad that he spends time on something besides her bright-yella controllin' ass.
I would, too.
Any guy would.
Finding a hobby you love is kool and the gang in this day and age. Particularly when the ladyfolk try to control the joint finances to the point that she be spending the loot on the day Stanley get paid.
"It's not like I'm going to get my hair done, my feet done," says Aminah, who knows that it's ain't no joke if she don't pay those notes.
But, as proven in this case, it's those sub-hobbies that getcha in trouble.
"He also has an obsession with S.S.B.B.W.'s," Aminah noted. "BBW stands for big beautiful women."
Well, no shit. He wit your lap-banded ass, ain't he? But what's the S.S. all about? Don't TELL me that Nazi bigguns rock Stanley's socks!
"Big black women?!" asked Judge Toler. "I'm just trying to work it out.
Nope: Super-sized BBWs. All races and ethnicities. Pshew. ("Oh, ok, nothing wrong with that!" came Toler's retort.)
Yeah, so she caught him looked at internet photos of 400-plusses.
Represent, Stanley Howard.
Rep. Re. Sent.

A Divorce Courter Tells the "Whole Story"

2009-10-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

You may remember Lori Tracy from last week's post about the severance of her relationship with Daymon Tracy. It had a lot to do with cats and screaming, my post did. Well, Lori saw it and wanted to respond.
Like any self-respecting journalist, I have opened my blog to a verbatim chronicling of what she had to say. The floor is Lori's ...

Ok, here it is. Daymon WAS a good man in his own right. A kind heart and a great bluffer. Bluffed so much that he had me fooled. We almost broke up cause he couldnt keep a job.

Then he started cleaning up his act and we got married. I had to do everything for him. I did all the cooking and all the cleaning. I am partially disabled and was in a wheelchair for a while so yes, I was unemployed for a bit. Even when I was in a wheelchair I still had to do all the cooking.

He claimed I put the cats before him and that is not true. The day he decided he didnt like it w/ me any more was when I had had enough and decided to stop babying him. I needed a partner, not a child. That is when he decided to look elsewhere.

He confided in everyone BUT me. All along he was lying to me about his love for me. He never wanted to try but have someone do all the work in life for him. He just wanted to watch video games and be w/ his buddy and watch movies. At one of our real court hearings, he even told the judge that he got in trouble at this last job because he was speeding "according to their standards". He was a school bus driver.

I am not the horrid person I portrayed. I was told he was leaving me while I was running a 102 fever. His original plan was to leave me while I was on vacation to a friends house. But that got canceled due to illness. He was planning on doing a grab and go. He was planning on leaving me penniless. He is a coward. He just wants a mommy and nothing else. She will get tired of him too but in the meantime, he is now her problem.

To be honest, Im glad its over. Yes, I love my cats with all my heart and at least they are honest about their love back and not a liar. I told him that I cannot tolerate liars or cheaters. He wants the good life but is not willing to work for it like everyone else. Even the real judge noticed that.

THATS the truth! I am not a vial person but a very tender hearted person who was harmed greatly by a man I gave my heart to.

If you have any questions at all or if anyone else does, i will gladly answer them

Donald Bing vs Wannette Bing

2009-10-18T09:08:00.000-07:00

Let's start this out with some full disclosure: Me and Donald Bing are Facebook friends. That's right. We cool.
And once I heard some of his ex-womanfolk's complaints, I knew why. Primarily, not only does she complain that Donald be "ghetto fabulous" -- Wannette says he owns a million and one white T-shirts, a million and one designer jeans and considerably more sneakers than he has feet --but check it:
Donald doesn't have one gold tooth. He got three gold teeth.
What she gone do 'bout the respect he gets fo that?
That's right, nothing.
So anyway, Donald's saying that the lights went out one time so he called the utility people and they told him it was because they didn't pay the bill. Then, he looked in the closet and found all these new clothes. That's right: She bought clothes 'stead of payin' that electricity note. And that ain't no joke.
Upon learning Wannette's wrecked three cars, Judge Lynn asked, "do you have a little bit of concern about your driving ability?" To which Wannette retorted, "No, ma'am, I don't."
"You think you drive fine, three wrecks is OK?"
"Yes."
Side note: One car didn't have any insurance on it because, sayeth Wannette, "I let it lapse."
From there, Donald explains that he "heard something from my family member that she had sex with my family member." The same family member is both. That's cold, Wannette. Ice f'in cold. Even if you deny it! And then you go and steal Donald's rims?!
The same Donald that moved to Atlanta to set up a new life for y'all? The same Donald that, in Judge Lynn's words, "put $1,500 rims on a $900 car." Aw yeah, livin the dream!
Sure, they were separated for a year when he heard another dude on her voicemail, and maybe it isn't all that good to be calling her phone 68 times n'shit. And, how separated is a couple that's still banging even though the lady half thinks they're separated? Not that separated at all, yo.
But Donald, Facebook friend to Facebook friend: Getchaself as far from Wannette as possible. Ain't nothing good come when you two around each other.
Word.

Jeannette Osbourne and Bob Osbourne

2009-10-15T10:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, this is just a no-jokes episode.
Jeannette Osborne, at 5-foot-4 weighs about 90 pounds. She's up from 77 pounds. She's an admitted anorexic.
Bob Osborne weighs, well, he has a gut. He realized the wife had a problem when she sent him pictures of her arms and legs. Sounds weird. She wanted him to notice that something was wrong; said it started when her ballet instructor told her she was "curvy." She didn't want to be curvy, but always sees herself as bigger than she is.
Bob blames his unknowingness on denial, and layering. He noticed unusual eating habits but it didn't set off alarms.
Well, Jeannette says that Bob is consumed by his work selling RVs in Boise. "I've learned to not communicate on a lot of things," says Bob.
So anyway, Jeannette and Bob went to L.A. to try and save their marriage.
"That I would be important to him," is what Jeannette said when asked what she'd like to change.
"Damned if I do. Damned if I don't," Bob said. "If I ask her if she's hungry, it'll just start a fight."
I shudder to even pass judgment on this one, but the one thing I'll say is this: Ladies, if your husband isn't paying attention to you, starving yourself ranks at the bottom of the "How to change that" list. That said, anorexia effects the brain and self-image.
Even Bob admits that they both need help, albeit for different reasons.
I concur.
And I hope they work it out, for both of their sakes.
As a side note: Judge Toler had her taken to a ranch where such issues are addressed. Did a video chat with her 30 days later. She looked well on the road to recovery.
Public service time: The National Eating Disorders Association can be found here. The National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders Inc. is here. But people, don't let it get to the point that the Osbournes did. I can't handle another 22 minutes like that.

Levar "Stumblin' and a Mumblin" Moore vs Lenee "The Adultery Whisperer" Moore

2009-10-14T08:59:00.000-07:00

Lenee wants her $3,000 alligator jacket back because husband Levar "is a dog" who "bought some girl a $200 watch." Levar wants to ditch the "loony tune" wife who tried to draw some Homeland Security attention on the plane en route to their Divorce Court appearance. (The FBI apparently stopped them when they got off the plane, but that story don't seem legit. Still, future Divorce Court contestants: DO NOT FLY TOGETHER.)
The hits just keep coming, though. Seems that Lenee sent some gunfire Levar's way when she wanted to know where he been. "I'm running out the house and I hear gunshot!" recounts Levar.
To which Lenee's all, "wasn't trying to hurt him, Just wanted to scare him. He was on the phone with some girl that he cheated on me with. I shot in the air."
Oh, it gets better. All aboard.

Lenee: "I have a gift from God in me. I told Him ... I said ... Look here ... I said ... I felt like something wasn't right ... I went to this, to this ... winding down the road ... I asked God to show me where this man was. He took me directly to this house. He isn't going to admit to it. His car was out there at the lady house. Just like I said. I knocked on the door."

Judge Lynn Toler: "So God gave you directions to the woman's house where he was at, where he was cheating?"

Lenee: "Mmmhmm. I ain't ever been there!"

Levar: "Mmhm. Mmhm. GPS. God's personal secret. Ok, just like when God sent her over to that girl's house. I guess God was dealing with her when God said 'Throw them can of pinto beans at 'er. 'Cause that's what she did. Was God talking still? I don't know if she stopped by the store or what on the way over. I just know I'm duckin' beans when I walk out the door. Ain't asked me no questions or nothing."

Toler (head in hand laughing): "Did ya throw pinto beans at the man?"

Lenee: "Naw, I ain't throw no pinto beans. That was baby's formula. I didn't throw it at him. I threw it because he was calling me 'Bs' and cusswords in front of this girl ... Don't disrespect me in front of this woman. If you wrong, you wrong. Leave the house. I'll yell at you."

Toler: "Why was you there?"

Levar: "We was studying."

Toler and Lenee simultaneously: "Studying what?!"

Lenee: "Studying How to Love?!"

Levar: "I can't remember the subject but... I'm in college."

Toler: "You were in college?"
Lenee: "She ain't in college."

Toler: "Was she in college with you?"

Levar: "Naw, she was just helping me a little bit."

Lenee: "Aww, helping you do what? Helping you do what? Helping you do what?"

Levar: "I'm just trying to touch up and get back. She already there."

Toler: "I'm trying to touch up and get back. What does that mean?"

Levar: "Well basically, I well, I was basically trying to, you know, she was just trying to help me out a little bit some things she knew better than I do."

Toler: "Is it true, Mr. Moore, that you're somewhat less than faithful to your wife?"

Lenee: "Whooo!"

Levar: "Being that this is a court of law, I thought you had to prove those kinds of things. And ... dig?"

Toler: "I hear what you're telling me. I do. But, I want to know, from you, have you been less than faithful to your wife?"

Lenee: (indiscernable sound of gotcha approval) "Talk!"

Levar: "It depends on what, um, no Ma'am. Faithful meaning? Yes, I have been faithful."

Lenee: "You been faithful to me Levar?"

Toler: "That is the worst lie I ever heard in my, I've had a five year old come up with a story better than that. You can't even get out the word, 'No.'"

Oh, if you want to weigh in on whether you believe Lenee psychic abilities are legit, the lines are open: 800.282.1991.

Lori Tracy vs Daymon Tracy

2009-10-13T13:58:00.000-07:00

I knew this day would come. We all knew this day would come.
Yes, there was a Divorce Court case hinging on the fact that the lady of the duo likes her cats too much. I wish her name had been Cathy, but it was Lori Tracy. And Lori Tracy was suing for $1,223.46 for "cat support." Meanwhile, hubbo listed "she's crazy about cats" as the impetus for their parting. She retorted that he's "dumber than a box of rocks ... mama's boy." False pretenses drew her to the altar 2.5 years ago.
Matrix Lee and Pisces, those are the cats' names. They can't be more mouthy and annoying than their mom, whose yelling and hollering made me want to duct-tape either her mouth or my ears shut. My soul is pissed off at me for subjecting it to Lori and Daymon, even if her former "baby" Max died the day after they got married. She says that one of the cats would sit on Daymon's shoulder like a parakeet. Never, not even if I would live to 136 years old, would I have concocted that image in writing. I'll steal it, you wait and see.
So anyway, Lori told Judge Toler that Daymon cheated on her. He came home one day and said he met a new girl. She's 60. Under normal circumstances, I'd call it a foul. But nah, if it took a grandmama to take his mind off the scratching-chalkboard voice and a sleepwalking disorder in which she dressed a cat in Daymon's clothes and wanted to go shopping, so be it. Whether Lori Tracy is an honor student at the online university or not. She wants to become a prison psychologist. She broke out an ethics book to call Daymon out for his lyin' cheatin' ways.
The worst part of this all? Even though Daymon looks like the central-casting version of "Guy in Van at Playground Asking Kids to Help Him Find His Lost Puppy," I can't say that. Like yesterday with the dude whose biggin wife called him out for weight, I just feel sorry for him. The laughing audience, though, I'll bet they're still telling er-body they know about it.

Regina Harris vs Kent Harris; Regina Harris vs Her sister Christian Rogers

2009-10-12T20:10:00.000-07:00

In a simple sense, Regina Harris wants to leave her husband Kent Harris because Kent Harris done went and knocked Regina Harris' sister Christian up.
Aw yeah.
So here's what Big Blue says by way of defense: Regina went from nice person to very disrespectful of "him being a man period, and that's something I just don't tolerate." Though he had high blood pressure before he got a two-year separation from Regina, he says his doctor told him it was better. This is a medical miracle.
Oh, also, Kent says Regina drove him to Christian, who was standing in the hallway with a profound baby bump. It's Kent's baby up in dat house. Kent seems to speak lovingly about Regina's sister. He seems happier. Regina, well Regina doesn't seem to be taking it very well. Her friend Tericka Thompson says she seen Kent Harris with his wife's sister a bunch of times. He says it ain't so. I reckon he's truth bending.
Kent went on to say that when Regina's mother was dying, she whispered into his ear to "take care of my babies." I'm morbidly fascinated by this, both if it happened or if he's actually making it up and can make it seem as if he didn't. I have some thinking to do on it.
Well, Christian testified. She stuttered a lot at first.
"I hated that it went down the way it did," Christian said, "but I can't control fate."
Springer-esque, I tell ya. Christian apologized (and concedes that her mother would be upset about all this stuff but doesn't regret it), but Regina wasn't having it. Christian then says that she thought they'd be getting married once her guy was divorced from her sister. Kent says he doesn't know about that.
I would like an invitation to any Harris Extended Family function. Strike that: I'd LOVE an invitation to any Harris Extended Family function. These some good folks.

Tasha "Lime Green" Parker vs. James "Eight Meals" Parker

2009-10-12T19:48:00.000-07:00

So this chick Tasha Parker, is wearing a whole lotta lime green -- like Deco arthouse lime green. She wants to divorce her husband because he's increased in waist size from a size 34 to a size 52. "Little Debbie to Big Debra," she says by way of an explanation that didn't explain a damn thing.
This chick Tasha Parker, well, she's roomy. Like, six-apartment-in-a-building roomy. Like, her own zip code roomy.
Which is to say the pot hath spoken to the kettle.
This James Parker guy, his wife doesn't even cook for him. This is a dedication to eating that I haven't seen since Wing Bowl. This James Parker guy, I dig when he says, "I might eat a lot, but she talk too much. Drives me crazy."
To which Tasha said, "I talk so much cause he eats so much. He eats at:

8 a.m.
10 a.m.
12 p.m.
1:45 p.m.
5 p.m.
9 p.m.
12:30 a.m.
1 a.m.

Now, the 12:30 and then 1 thing? I don't get it. But when James responded, "I'm hungry now" he won my respect.
And, Tasha's whole, "I'm just sayin', I got, my vows was to love and cherish him and till death do us part. Not to eat us out of a house and a home.
"He eat so much I put a lock and chain on the refrigerator."
"Lock and chain," interjects James. "Lock. And. Chain. I cut it off."
Tasha then aired a surreptitious video she'd taped of James sleeping and snoring, which prompted James to say that Tasha always acts embarrassed to be out with him in public. She rations her love, he says.
This makes me sad. So very, very sad.

Matt "Ladyboy" Campbell vs. Arezo "Cruella" Khanjani

2009-10-09T14:43:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the two-day delay. Been busy on some other stuff. Happy I checked out the old DVR before the weekend, though. Because I feel better about myself for not being like these two people on today’s show.
Arezo Khanjani says she wants to divorce Matt Campbell, not just because she wants $325 for two cockatiels that he lost, but because her husband says she’s a nag and that her husband is forgetful.
They’re performers in a band. He sings and plays guitar. She sings, plays keyboards and grooms what can best be described as skunk hair, but without the white in it. And, they run a label. (I googled them. They’re in a band called The Captain’s Package. Read about them here.)
“As time has gone on, I feel her jealously, nagging, nitpicking and temper has gotten oto the point where I can’t stand it anymore and I feel it’s destructive for both our relationship and for the business we’re involved in and there’s a lot at stake,” Aussie Matt says, adding that when he forgot to return a gym towel, she flipped out on him.
“He wouldn’t be wearing socks right now if I didn’t give him my socks because he forgot his own,” Arezo retorted.
Matt corrected the record by saying that she actually made him blowdry the socks he had on because they were dirty.
She says he sits like a “five-year-old girl on the bed" and forgot her birthday thrice. She interrupts him often and complains that he leaves things laying about the house.
I'll tell you what: I feel f'in bad for this Matt kid. Seems as if Arezo just walks all over him. No, he's not the sharpest blade. But still, it's like watching a sophomore year of high school relationship devolve on national TV for 22 minutes. It's not uncomfortable to watch, but you feel like less of a person for doing so. That's why I was turning it off when BLAWW, the news interrupted the show for Obama's Nobel Peace Prize/Bo's Birthday presser.
Thank you for finally coming through in the pinch, Norway.

Luvinia Green vs. Ernest Green

2009-10-07T09:16:00.000-07:00

Some people might look at Mr. Ernest Green and see your run-of-the-mill heavy machinery operator, but when I look at Mr. Ernest Green, I see a delicate flower that's been trampled upon. Case in point: his dame Luvinia has the gall to demand two car payments in return for their marriage severance when Ernest says she should be giving him $100K for taking her out of Illinois and dropping her into "this sunny of California, and she's non-supportive. This is the problem. She's not there for me. She's steady bringing me down instead of lifting me up."
I think one sentence sums the whole back story up: "The hair that she has, I bought the horse that put that on her head." Awesome.
Things get a little hinky when he gets to talking about how he lost his job. Luvinia was not supportive.
"He was on the job, he didn't even make the probabtionary period. And he just lost the job before that because he can't keep his mouth closed," sayeth Luvinia. "It was rules that he had the follow and he ain't the person of rules so he didn't follow the rules so he got fired."
She then added that Ernest is a cheater and a thief. She found this out by listening to his voicemails and establishing that he was at a hotel when she was at a hotel but he wasn't at the hotel she was at. Ernest, however, stands by his plant "evacuation" story. Make sense?
He then noted that he bought her what sounded like "chinchillas," "diamond rings" and "$1,400 worth of rims for the car."
The lesson here: Never look a horse that bears gifts of chinchillas and blinged-out rims in the mouth lest the gift well run dry. Even if you say the gifthorse only had "one pair of pants, two pair of gym shoes, a TV wit no remote and no place to stay" and sold, according to him, "used cars" in Gary, Indiana.
These folks going back and forth even caused the bailiff to chime in just before the most exciting game of "How Many Kids Do You Have" broke out. A few stats:
-- Luvinia and Ernest have no kids together.
-- Luvinia has two from a previous relationship.
-- Ernest says "I got a few kids."
-- Luvinia translates "few" as "11."
-- Smilin' Ernest corrects her: "13" but just "9" if it's only biological ones that count.
"She needs to go to jail for lying," Ernest notes.
Maybe so. But I'd be satisfied if Ernest goes to jail to prevent a Luvinia-involved procreation.
For shame.

Jessi Jacobus vs. Jeremy Jacobus

2009-10-06T14:03:00.000-07:00

Talk about a boring case.
Wah, hubby gambles a lot with our bill money.
Wah, wife is banging her personal trainer.
Fine, I guess it ramps it up a little bit when a) it's stated that hubby ran up a $25K loss in Palm Springs or somewhereorother and wife hanged a sign for the personal trainer who was (allegedly) taggin' dat ass in their car window. (The sign's in the window; not dat ass.)
And it's a little quirky that Jeremy's all "I want $920.80 for half of the personal-trainer fees" and Jessie's all "I want $750 to repair the dent Jeremy put in my car when he found out I was trampin' about." (She says, however, that it's a six-day-a-week boot-camp. Aw yeah, that's a good cover story!)
But, it's not up to Divorce Court snuff when:
-- Woman complains man plays around like a kid, with his kids, when they go to the grocery and/or fling yogurt on her "beautiful hardwood floors."
-- Woman whines that man lets kids parachute out the second floor with plastic bags.
-- Man bitches that woman wouldn't let him go camping with his "bad influence" friends but can go with her friends.
-- Man cries that woman broke her laptop because she "had to get his attention somehow."
The plus side? It's square-shaped:
1) Jeremy said he listened to New Edition. (He didn't talk songs, but "If It Isn't Love" is probably my favorite of all songs in musical history.)
2) Jessi's pretty hot, in a "pole-dancing recent-year(s) resume entry" kind of way, which made the 22 minutes minutely bearable.
3) Jeremy said they're "back on the better path now." In Divorce Court. Just before he carried on about her getting more than just a little strange.
4) And, when Jessi bitched that he just dropped $1,500 the other day, the conversation veered toward how he gambles at work. The exchange included this:

Jessi: "I work hard for my money."

Jeremy (seconds later): "Once everyone leaves, boom, lights out, we play sometimes. My coined nickname (air quotes made) is the Grand Master of Poker. But they all make fun of me. I take all of their money. So we drink at work and play poker. So what?"

Jessi: "WHAT?"

Judge Lynn: "I'm done. I'm done. I'm completely done. And you should be done too."

Jessi: "Oh, I've been done."

Me too, as far as being done with the Jacobuses. (Or is it Jacobi?)

Jimmy "A Positive" Kearney vs. Bionica "O Positive" Lamar

2009-10-05T14:50:00.000-07:00

So here's what I really dig about Divorce Court: One question out Judge Lynn Toler's mouth and the game is on. Take today, for instance, when she asked Jimmy why he wanted a divorce. He didn't come up with no excuses; he said it like it is. To wit:

"You know what, I want a divorce from her because her son Jaydyn is not mine. ... Yeah, 'cause he not mine! ... I got A positive blood. She got O positive blood. And he come out with B positive blood. Man. Huh? Buh buh buh because she a cheater! She been cheating with me (undiscernable stream of words which Bionica just looks down and shakes her head). Look at (what sounded like "my chai). He bright skinned it. He got brown hair. He got brownish hair. I got black hair."

Mr. Kearney then went on to share a story about how a neighbor told him she "was looking at him all crazy" because, well, hell, I really couldn't understand it. But apparently it had something to do with Bionica going and banging some dude everytime she and Jimmy get into a fight. That's a problem because, as per Jimmy, they fight often. But he "don't care."
As per Bionica, however, it's all lies, he don't trust her and he ain't worked in a year.
And he said he didn't work because she's always fighting with him. And she says Jimmy gets her sister Katina Kearney into the fighting mix (she sent a tape encouraging Bionica to get divorced and stop picking up the phone calling their house because "we frankly don't give a damn." HOT DAMN, KATINA!)
And Jimmy don't want to be paying $1,140 for child care for a six-month old that ain't his.
And Bionica cops to having said "someone else has my heart" in front of Jimmy's family.
Blah, blah, blah.
All of that detail's for naught because Judge Lynn's got a doctor to talk about blood typing and a DNA test. First, came Dr. Pamela Davis who was asked whether it's possible for A positive and O positive peoples to create a B positive child: "No, that's not possible."
OH SNAP! Yet, Bionica says she's not concerned with the news since she knows that it's Jimmy's son. "I ain't trippin," she notes.
Anyway, Jimmy 'splains that he knows his blood type because of both "science" and "eighth grade." You know what's coming, right? That's right, Dr. Davis took his blood for typing, and he came up ... B. That's right, B. And man, you shoulda heard the audience laughing. Hell, you should've heard me laughing.
Baby boy's his.
Godspeed, Jaydyn. You'll need it.

Joey "Cheater" Maracle vs. Shannon "Stalker" Maracle

2009-10-02T08:19:00.000-07:00

This is awesome: When Shannon Maracle came home with her and Joey Maracle's first child, he was over at his mammy's with his other baby's mama and her baby and when Shannon had their second child, he was banging another tramp and their house .... and brought said hussy to pick Shannon up!
Oooh la la.
So, Joey laughs when Judge Lynn asks "Do you cheat on your wife at all?" He then added that "she lets me." As in, Shannon invites menages. She gave one for a Christmas gift, so sayeth Joey, who never got over finding an ovulation test almost immediately post-wedding.
"I'm all into fitness and health and looking good. I like to look good. I like to look at people who look good. I mean, that's what I do. For a living," notes Joey. "And she just let herself go."
When it was pointed out that "she got a boob job for you," Joey maintained that, "Yeah, she was supposed to lose weight after she got the boob job. I helped her get the boob job. Took care of her after she got the boob job. And, she never even lost weight. Donuts hid in cabinets. Snickers bars. Her whole car was full of McDonalds wrappers. Couldn't even get into it."
F'in A, Joey. I'm with you. If you pay for faux breasteses, you OWN the broad who's flaunting them.
But you lost me when you went to Myrtle Beach with another broad and, when Shannon filed for divorce, pulled the emotional-problems-I-need-institutionalization card. Well, she took him back. (Side note: It's the epitome of greed for said woman to want $450 for the wedding dress she says you cut under these circumstances.)
As for the stalking allegations, well, she'd go over to the club he bounced at to holler down the tramps that he hit on.
I think Judge Lynn said it best with, "So he can just roll around and have sex with other women as long as he mentally shows back up at your house, it was OK with you. Is that what I got?"
To which Shannon said, "Yes."
After which Her Honor turns to spraytan Joey and asks, "You couldn't find anything better to do than that?"
[If I may interject, um, is there anything better to do than that?]
Upon hearing which Joey goofy smiled and laughed again and said, "She would just always do that."
No, it doesn't make any sense, but did you expect these people to?
Noting that his open-spouse likes cutting people's tires, including his friend's mother's tires, and how she set his Myspace page to say he loves Richard Simmons -- which, mind you, is f'in hilarious -- Joey asks the question of the hour: "How's it cheatin' if she let me bring 'em home?"
Deep question, yo. I'll let you think on that for the weekend. I'm off to Atlantic City.

Tour of the Divorce Court studio

2009-10-02T07:48:00.000-07:00

Nate “Sex Maniac with an Undefined Job or Two” Green vs. Arainey “Non Sex Addict Cab Driver” Green

2009-10-01T12:51:00.000-07:00

In a simplistic sense, the Green case is about $875 since man got friends to vandalize woman’s car on his behalf. But nothing Divorce Court is what it seems.
I’ll let Nate break it on down first: “I’m a man. I like my house clean. I like have my friends can come over. The house was extremely dirty all … tha … time. Now, I try to get the cable on for the kids ‘cause I get tired of watching regular TV. I tell er-body to clean the house ‘cause I didn’t want the man to see our …. Roaches, the man moved the chair BLAWW, roaches ery-where.”
Let’s segue into BLAWW what Arainey don’t like about her ex-man: “He’s a cheatin’ dog. He likes to cheat. Can’t stick with one person.”
It’s worth noting that the camera shifts back to Nate when Arainey’s saying all this. And what’s Nate doing? Oh, he’s grinning ear to m’f’in ear. Playa. Playa. Playa.
“I caught him coupla times cheatin’. One day, me and my mom was going to Hooters …” For the wings, I presume.
“… to watch wrestlin’ with my kids, cause my kids like to wrestle …” Day-um, well I’d like to do some wrestling at Hooters too, nawmean, Arainey? So anyway, long story short: She went up in to Nate’s job to get a key to their place and he wasn’t there. So she took her mama’s car and “went to a neighborhood I thought he was at. … So I rolled up. He looked over at me said ‘Oh snap,’ he in the car with another woman. She jumped out the window and ran up to her porch.”
I needn’t point out how rad that is in a Bo-ette and Luke Duke sense, though I don’t think Arainey’s truck was all Gen. E. Lee’d up. But it still beckoned one of the best exchanges I’ve seen up in Judge Toler’s courtroom. To wit:
“Er-body know me. My name is Nasty Nate. Nate Dawg. … I have sexual needs. I have a strong sexual desire. She don’t have it. She would rather go six months without sex, then sit there think I’m gonna deal with this. I don’t do that. What she don’t do, someone else will. I told her that in a nice way. Sat down and talked to her.”
“He didn’t tell me. He showed me.”
“I showed her what I wanted.”
“He didn’t tell me all dat. Instead of him telling me, he went out and did it.”
“You want me to stay home, you have to do certain things. Because if you don’t I will find somebody else that will.”
It was then established that it’s against Arainey’s religion to do the stuff that Nate needs. This made me wish D.C. was on Cinemax. For two reasons:
 What is it exactly that Nate wants to do but his wedded wife ain't doing?
 What religion do those things violate? I can’t imagine it’s Mormon or Rastafarian. Those people are into all sorts of nastiness, methink.
An intriguing prospect, to say the least. And if you happen to know either Nate or Arainey, by all means, share the 411 in the comments. Hell, if Nate or Arianey are all googling to see whether they hit the blog bigtime, email me for an interview.
I won’t be able to sleep at night till I have these answers.

Fun feature: Judge Toler has adjusted the call in segments to pertain to the cases themselves. Today's question: "Nate says that his wife should have sex with him whenever he wants. From what you're hearing to do you agree?" "Call toll-free 1-800-282-1991 to give your opinion to our litigants."
Me? Hell to the yes Arainey should be following Nate's every perverted whim! Otherwise, he might knock another lesbian co-worker up. Yes, that's right, I wrote "another" "lesbian" "knock(ed) up."

Quianna Jeffries vs. Deandre Jeffries

2009-09-30T14:58:00.000-07:00

Since this case seems revolve around rap -- specifically bad rap -- I'd like to start with a shout out: What up, Judge Lynn, keep on with your intense with common sense self. You do Philly proud.
Now where was I? Oh yes, "Rap Talkin'" Quianna being all like, Wah, Deandre's controlling and has OCD. Wah, Deandre freaked out when Quianna didn't put hangers in the closet properly or gets weird like that dude with the alphabetized cans in that old Julia Roberts movie.
Well, Deandre breaks it down like this: "I'm into order ... and it's easier for me to find seasonings when they're in order." Aw yeah.
Get this: D's dream is to be a rapper and a producer, but Q keeps getting in the way of his Jay-Z-ing. So Q's all like, We're in business together. And then there was one "paying opportunity" that she messed up by getting all, Yo, Deandre, I should be up in this bitch too.
So, about eight minutes into this I've made two observations: Quianna's wack. And Quianna can't rap, even after telling Judge Lynn she was "good." She considers controlled talk lecturing rap. It ain't.
But then up on the mic gets Deandre and, well, he's better that MC Qui, but so am I. And so is Charlie Dawg who's sitting at my feet right now, just waiting for Big Daddy Kane to get on the horn and invite her onto a couple tracks. But, he still ain't all that good. (His reason for divorce is "wife isn't supportive of his rap career" and wants $900 for a TV.)
Hey, I'm all for people pursuing their dreams so I don't be hatin'. Quianna's got a point about D blowing a night out with her so he could use the VIP passes to meet a rapper. Deandre just wants her to understand more, and Quianna just wants him to explain more. That, and doing some stuff around the house every once and a while. Or stop trying to "get rich on eBay," "try to open a hot-dog stand," or "create stuff on the Internets."
Alas, the 400 pounds of hot dog meat went to waste because, as per Deandre, "I can't eat 400 pounds of meat."
Just like that, it became easy for me to order that Deandre may be a decent dude, but at his core, he's a meat-fearing ladyboy. But, even more pressing is my concurring with Judge Lynn that Quianna is "ghetto simple." I'm not sure what's worse. Ok, Quianna's worse. Deandre should be all, "Good Riddance."

Joanne Meadows vs. Steve Meadows (with correction)

2009-09-29T08:27:00.000-07:00

I'm going to resist the urge to even mention the word "jowly," but that's only because the tagteam of Joanne and Steve Meadows offered enough fodder to distract me from sightline distraction.
Like, how Steve "barters his services" repairing planes so he can fly and loves doing so ... except when Joanne calls the control tower to ask air-traffic controllers if he has ladies up in the sky with him at that very moment.
Or how Joanne gambled away their mortgage money ... which is particularly intriguing when you consider that neither Joanne nor Steve are employed.
Or how Steve is handed a To-Do schedule each morning when he leaves the home. When Steve presented Judge Lynn with a six-item list, Joanne says he made it up. "I suggest things to him," says Joanne, who is alleged to decide what pants Steve is permitted to wear.
Or how Joanne measures the seatbelts when Steve (corrected) gets home to detect whether the passenger seat one has been lady altered.
Or how Steve's witness -- and flight school owner -- Mike Punziano claims that Joanne is kind of like DeNiro in Taxi Driver with the whole "You lookin' at me?" approach to conversation.
Or how Judge Lynn gets props for asking Joanne if she considers herself fun to talk to, this while Steve avers that she's "boring and bossy." (When asked whether he made efforts to reignite the marital flame, Steve says that they just went out for chicken wings last Tuesday.)
See what I mean?

Mari Cole vs. Eddie Cole

2009-09-28T12:39:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's a safe bet -- after checking out those pictures atop these words -- that I think well-dressed Eddie Cole's mustachio is totally, unequivocally Boss. This is the truth. But from what Mari's saying right out the gate, Eddie is most certainly not as boss as his virile stash.
Take the wedding night, for instance. Eddie got into a knock-down drag-out with one of the two sons deemed, by Mari, as gangsters. "I went to the phone to call the police to try and break it up," Mari says, "and another family member ... grabbed a pan and cracked me upside the head with the pan and I still got the scar to prove it to this day! I shoulda left him that night."
"I wish she woulda left me that night," Dapper Ed said, gesticulating (if that means making rehearsed hand gestures. "I knew the marriage was over when that happened."
So, just a recap: New bride gets headsmacked with pan. New husband knew relationship was doomed ... before the reception.
That's just plain awesome.
Big picture, it seems that Daddy's Lil Rugrats can't do no wrong in the Proud Papas eyes, even when he bails them up out of the jails and prisons. Rugrat Nicolas Cole testified via video that Mari "needs to grow up, accept that my dad is not gonna forget about is kids and that's all I got to say about Mari." I wish I heard more but I was transfixed on the mongo zit on Nicolas' forehead.
Listen, Mari is probably regretting that time has rendered her non-pole-worthy so she's as charming as a double-wide welcome gnome but Eddie, man, he reminds me of Zed as in "Zed who keeps The Gimp in the basement." Not cultured enough to sew a lady suit, nor reasonable enough to realize discipline is part of effective maturation. A dozen minutes in, Eddie defends his 16-year-old for getting pinched on armed-robbery charges. He has a point, though, when he says her "thug" accusations don't contribute to a showing-respect willingness on behalf of thee Cole boyz.
Other fun facts:
-- Mari wants $1,800 in reimbursements for the 12 rings she was forced to pawn. It looks like she used the ring money to get "motel room, gas for the truck and food."
-- She's called the cops on Eddie so often that the lawmen said if she cries wolf again, she's going downtown. (Well, downboondocks.)
-- They agree that Mari's a hot-head.
-- She says "suh-pose-uh-blee."
-- Say what they will about Eddie, though, but his stash is still boss.

Darrell McCullough vs. Kenya McCullough

2009-09-25T09:34:00.000-07:00

Darrell McCullough says his wife cheated on him with her ex-boyfriend.
His wife Keyna McCullough says Darrell stole $500 from her.
And tried to buy illegal food stamps while returning his wedding tuxedo.
And knocked another woman up.
And has four 10-year-old children.
With four different mothers.
Kenya wrote a poem entitled, "We're Done" to express her feelings about these matters. It includes the word, "ackrite."
I refuse to judge, though. Because Darrell McCullough, who was incarcerated "for 40 days and 40 nights," has some straight-up fashion sense.
Represent.

James "Bathroom Rockstar" Evenson vs. Cheyenne "Fat Ass" Evenson

2009-09-25T08:56:00.000-07:00

Well, this one got personal right out the trailer-park door.
Says Cheyenne Evenson: "I want to divorce this thing over here because he thinks he's a rockstar. He's ruining my life."
Says James Evensen after Cheyenne complained that he spent the rent loot on tats: "I have an image to uphold ... I look good and I know it. I'm frontman. Everybody looks at me."
Counters Cheyenne: "He's an electronics technician. He's not a rockstar. They play in a garage. Nobody sees them."
Au contraire, says James, noting that he made $250 one night chasing his dream.
Au contraire, retorts Cheyenne, noting "while we're getting ready to go out, look at my butt and tell me it's flat and saggy and tell me his is rounder and firmer. He'll go on a computer and get pictures of girls, that are photoshopped, and say you should look like that. How am I supposed to look like that when he controls everything I eat?!" (James said that yes, he writes up some foodie guidelines. I couldn't see asses for comparison's sake, though.)
That was just in the first five minutes, mind you. A pre-first-commercial extravaganza that featured the Cheyenne highlight of, "I'm living off cigarettes, coffee, a can of peas and half an apple."
Did I mention the Evensen marriage was 90 days old at this point? And that he already pulled the "man has needs" line when averring that Cheyenne gave it up once a week and that he had to buy $25 bottles of wine to even have a shot to get near Cheyenne's flat ass. "I'm French," she says of the wine. "He's always comparing his bold to mine."
I could go on, because this was just a quotefest on par with being backstage at a Dokken show. I mean, dude was wearing $1,100 pants to Divorce Court. "An investment," says James.
All of which is to say the call that Cheyenne intercepted -- it started "Hey baby" and ended with her learning that he was stamping some motel tramp on lunch breaks -- and Cheyenne smashing his car into a tree and then putting it back into its parking spot with $2,812.66 would normally stand out.
But not with these purebreds who exist Inna-Gadda-Da-Appalachia.
I felt like the human race regressed the day these people were born.

Finally, Madonna does something of value

2009-09-24T14:31:00.001-07:00

Robert "Chickenphile" Brown vs. Tammara "Chickenphobe" Williams

2009-09-24T13:52:00.000-07:00

Well, this one shouldn't take long at all to sum up. Robert had gotten a new job and his first associated paycheck. But he didn't tell Tammara. Oh no he didn't. Rather, when Tammara got home, what she saw was a table covered with fried chicken. Here's what Robert had to say by way of explanation:
He was on his way home and "just glanced a little to the right and I seen this Caesar's Pizza Pizza and they had a big sign up in front and it said, 'A deal on some chicken.' So, I went and got it. And then, on the way home I went to the liquor store ..." He trailed off, but the point was clear: Robert spent two days pay on chicken and booze.
From there, the chicken conversation covered how Robert doesn't like using new grease to make his in-home chicken. Before the first commercial, he took pre-made fried chicken out of a basket on the table. In it was Tammara's chicken ("Dry") and his mama's chicken ("Now THIS is chicken. Yo! Yo! Yo! You want a piece of this chicken?).
So anyway, Robert admits to being a mama's boy. He also admits he's lucky that he didn't hit the dude Tammara was all hugged up on in the supermarket onaccounta the fact that he was the deacon at her church!
But this case is about chicken and chicken alone. Me? I love me some chicken. I've driven over to the KFC in Strawberry Mansion on occasion because when you get to craving chicken, the only thing that will make the hankering disappear is some chicken. Good chicken makes the world go 'round, and when Tammara said she "can't even look at chicken anymore," she lost all respect.
It is so ordered.

Jamey "Buttercup" Brackley vs. Rich "I Grew a Luscious Goatee Since the '03 Appearance When My Wife Told the World I Was Racist" Brackley

2009-09-23T09:04:00.000-07:00

Where oh where, do I begin?
With the time Rich Brackley painted swastikas on Jewish lawyers' lawns or got into "fights with black people, the apes, y'know, just for the Hell of it"?
Or how Rich didn't get to bang his new bride on their wedding night 'cause she was off diddling some chick she dug?
Yeah, that sounds like a good introduction for a case when an "apefighter" is asking for $4K for "emotional distress." Oh, and he's the saner member of the bunch.
So anyway, Rich says he's seen the 2003 episode and he thought he looked like a damn brainwashed fool. (And who said daytime-court TV shows don't have a positive impact?!) He went from "you people got Jesus Christ, I got Hitler" to "I changed my ways for her and all she did was get worse on me, lying, cheating on me. I burnt my flags. I got rid of all my little Hitler things. I got rid of all my books; I don't want my kid seeing that. It was a stupid thing."
So Buttercup chimes in -- and, as a side note, she's probably the second, third best-looking dame I've seen on D.C. but she loses cute points for the Northeast-Philly-esque accent ... and the insanity -- that he's still angry and all attitude-y with her. And Rich readily admits that the Italian anger rubbed off on kiddo.
An example of hubby anger: When some dude "drove her home from work," Rich went all berzerker style beating him up to the point that wifey attacked him with a motorcycle helmet. At first, this sounded like overkill. I mean, the dude was 17 years old for crissake. But then Rich came correct with words of Divorce Court wisdom:
"If you're old enough to have a job, old enough to have a car, old enough to sleep with someone's wife, you're old enough to get beat."
This was followed by applause from the gallery. As it should have been.
From there, they get into a cheating back-and-forth. They were both proficient adulterers, it seems.
When Judge Lynn asked why she married a Nazi, she said she was trying to get him to change. He said, "I wouldn't marry a Nazi." She countered that it's alright if he burns crosses on black families lawns and whatnot, as long as it's not in front of her. He returned fire with the fact that she had a van of lesbians jump him in an effort to steal her child back when they were separated; this was because he didn't want his son to be around gays. He also didn't like it when she brought Mexicans to his house. She didn't like him falling $23K behind on child support.
This episode really outdid itself one minute to the next.

Bruce Jasmin vs. Angela Jasmin (with rabies on top)

2009-09-22T10:40:00.000-07:00

I'll admit it: Maybe I come down on the Divorce Court side of the man more often than not. Maybe I just haven't gotten over their getting the right to drive yet. Who knows. But even if you come down on the Divorce Court side of the ladies more often than not, one thing we'll agree on is that Bruce Jasmin is in the right. Somewhat.
I mean, just a minute into today's second episode, when Bruce was contending that Angela's a wee bit too demanding and controlling, Demanding and Controlling Angela tried to interrupt him both with a cut-off vocal attempt and by pointing at her soon-to-be-ex manpiece. Then, it was declared that Angela also takes her kids off restriction after Bruce put them up on restriction, thus undermining papa's clout. And there Angela was, smirking and trying to talk again.
Hussy, suing for 2.4 grand for a living-room and some-other-room set.
Tramp, for calling him out for working 7 months out of their 8 years of marriage.
(Side note: Bailiff walked over and whispered something in Bruce's ear when wifey poo started talking about matters of employment. And how PlayStation filled his "work hours" because "my wife likes to make decisions without me.")
"You got more excuses than Kellogg's got Corn Flakes," the judge said before declaring he was all sorts of triflin.
So, logically, the conversation soon shifted to rabies shots, as it always does, everyday, everywhere. (Daughter got bat bit so they needed to ensure none of the Jasmin clan started white-foaming at the mouf.
Well, here's the Fun Fact No. 1: While Angela tries to emasculate her lover, she spends her time watching Springer. F'real. I mean, at least that gave Judge Lynn the segue into watching D.C. instead. (Six of one, half-dozen of the other some days.)
Oh, the rabies. So, one of Angela's twin daughters -- God help us all -- got bit on the arm by a bat. And what does Bruce go and do? He leaves before getting his rabies shot. "She was harrassing me," he explained as to why he didn't.
Dude. C'mon.
At least Angela blew a gasket at show's end by maintaining that he owes her $2,400, just because she had to move to Kentucky because a bat landed on her head one time that Bruce had never heard about before.
White chicks, man. Angela should lose the right to vote. It is so ordered.

Shaheedah Ali vs. Karim Ali

2009-09-22T09:05:00.000-07:00

Oh Karim, why you gonna go have a baby with another woman when you married to Shaheedah? And why ain't you telling your baby mama to keep it on the DL so word don't get back to Shaheedah via her friend Daleeah Harris, who's friends with the corner-store workin' baby mama?
Sure, Shaheedah withheld sex because she suspected he was cheating, leading to the standard D.C. "overbearing" complaints. I guess that's what happens when the lady finds condoms in one's wallet even though "we haven't used condoms since 2000."
Fun fact: Karim said he put a password on his cellphone because he "delivered pizza."
Fun fact No. 2: When Daleeah and Shaheedah went over to Daleeah's friend's house, Shaheedah was bragging on the bracelet that her man got her. Well, Daleeah's friend started talking about how her boyfriend took her bracelet to get cleaned. Daleeah says Karim's lying when he says it ain't the same jewelry.
Fun fact No. 3: Shaheedah withheld sex for 2.5 years. Not a laughing matter, despite grrl-power giggles.
This whole mess is just beyond repair or worthiness of any further attention.
It is so ordered.

Ceasarae "Woo Woo" Smith vs. Jerussia "Overlordess" Smith

2009-09-22T08:30:00.000-07:00

Back in college, someone told me the story about how they knew a nurse who told them that a baby left their nursery with a brand-spanking-new name that sounded like, "Fuh Mal Ay." It's because the parents saw the "Female" tag by their child and figured the hospital named them for you. Seriously.
Well, I thought of that as soon as the case of Ceasarae Smith vs. Jerussia Smith. I had to wonder whether Ceasarae was named after "Caesar," and Jerussia's parentals thought Jerusalem was a Moscow suburb, but things went awry at the naming ceremony. Things are still going wrong if you end up at Divorce Court though. Here's the breakdown:
-- Ceasarae says Jerussia's jealous and controlling, but that's just 'cause he cheated on her. He got caught because she hooked his cell phone bill up through her credit-card for monitoring purposes. She then found out that he bought another phone and hacked into it so she could check whether numbers showed up more than three times. He still went out with a gal who called 3+ times.
-- Ceasarae's very honest about his dalliances, though, and that's to be commended. He has a handkerchief to de-sweat his head. Even though, I can only assume Judge Lynn Toler keeps the room temp-controlled.
-- Jerussia worries that she's 14 years older than Ceasarae. Ceasarae, who was on probation at the time of wedded bliss, don't mind. But, he couldn't even wait two days to cheat. They were married a day. They soon had a chat, in which man told woman he wouldn't fight her divorce desires. They didn't split, though, and Ceasarae says he's lived under surveillance ever since. Probees notice these things. Fourteen-year elderladies just get mistaken for their boytoy's mammy.
-- Ceasarae admits that a lot of his boys are immature but that she "be over-reacting" when some lady bought him a drink one time.
-- Ceasarae says "Woo woo" a lot. I dig that.
-- Jerussia got a "Hey baby, what's good? Whatchu doing today?" text. Ceasarae thought "she was gettin some getback" so he called texter and let 'im rip.
-- Jerussia is suing for transitional support. But it seems to both me and Judge Lynn that this can all be worked out. Yes, Ceasarae has problems with Jerussia's control issues, but Jerussia is still interested in Ceasarae, who has to regain total trust. Seems that he has issues with the whole total openness thing, though. There's a chance they may be doing a follow-up appearance next season.
-- Judge Lynn digs that Jerussia got the young guy but laid down the law for ladyfolk: Let's start fighting with one another over the manfolk. Preach. On.
-- They ended with a hug after Ceasarae told Jerussia she "looked pretty."

Kandie Simmons (and her step-sister's brother Jimmy) vs. Dirk Simmons (and Kandie's Step-Sister Jennifer Demoss)

2009-09-18T21:37:00.000-07:00

Good golly Miss Molly. It's 12:39 a.m. and I just threw some DVRd Divorce Court action on and what do I see? A few things:
-- A MBLA-looking dude named Dirk who celebrated the fact that Judge Toler's DNA test the first time he was in Divorce Court proved that the 11-year-old son he cared for with Kandie wasn't actually his. ("Yes! I knew it!" were his words.)
-- So Dirk's all hugged up on his exe's step-sister. Which drove Kandie to get engaged to step-sister's brother Jimmy.
-- At which point it was established that Jimmy was actually the father of Cary, Son of Dirk/Kandie.
-- So Judge Toler broke from the room and sat down with Cary in chambers. "It's just weird to see them together," said Cary of Dirk and Ms. Demoss. "Because she's kind of creepy."
Oh, if Cary only knew the half of freaky it. For the first time, though, I've actually felt bad for someone. This kid, he said that Dirk isn't as close to him anymore. You ask me, he's better off. Shame on these ingrates.

And now, the quote of the Divorce Court day

2009-09-16T13:55:00.001-07:00

"I treat women the way they want to be treated," says Don 'Don Juan the Pimpin Son' Ware, who was in Divorce Court at the behest of wannabe-ex-wife Tiffany Brown. "Like a doorknob. You turn it. You go in. You come out."

Amen, Don Juan the Pimpin Son. Amen.

Danita Foster vs. Carlos Foster

2009-09-16T13:19:00.000-07:00

This one is like all the other controlling and/or "a lotta sex to little sex" cases so it bears little mention other than this:
Danita, who wouldn't give her husband a key because he was unemployed but levied a 12 a.m. curfew, is demanding $3,000 so she can have her three sons circumcised by her gynocologist again.
I repeat: Three re-circumcisions.
Godspeed, Carlos.
And Godspeed, Danita's frightened-of-scissors sons.
That is all.

Tonia Carson vs. Jay Carson

2009-09-16T12:48:00.000-07:00

I'll cut to the chase with this one: Tonia Carson went to Divorce Court to get awarded a $5K CD collection on the grounds that "her husband is a pimp." Meanwhile, Mr. Carson steadfastly maintains that he "didn't say I was a pimp. I said I was something like a pimp."
Let that settle in for a moment before I proceed.
Pretty good, right? Well Tonia says "Jay" uses a few different names -- Kevin, Carnard, etc. -- and he's nothing but a gigolo/pimp. Jay (or whatever his name is) says he's out in the street, selling TVs and stuff, but would rather not define "stuff."
Clearly, I take the pimp's side all the mutha f*ckin time, but this Tonia, she spunky. Said she went over to a hotel where Jay at, kicking doors in n'shit. And that's what breaks my heart about this whole thing.
I feel like I knew Jay (who "has two children and a couple possibles") and Tonia within three minutes of the show and these two, they'd be pimpin' and sellin' TVs strong. They got some pizazz, business savvy and personal-relationship acumen.
But then Jay's saying that Tonia's crazy, that she needs some medication if she's saying she didn't know what's going on. He likened her to Chrissy on Three's Company, that she's having a "Chrissy moment." That's a tight, old-school reference.
From there, it delved into pimpitude qualifications and stereotypes. As in:
Jay: "Do I look like a pimp, your honor?"
Judge Toler: "They come in all different sizes and colors and everything."
Tonia: "And that was my fault 'cause I thought pimps was like Binkie on the movies. Loud colors and all that but he wasn't quite a Binkie."
I know not of this Binkie character, but he sounds alright to me.
And if he had anything to do with the birthday party that Tonia (a Hurricane Katrina cleaner-upper who wore "big drawers" and went to mortuary school, coming home smelling like dead-people chemicals) pulled up on and found Jay with three prostitutes outside, she went "all Billy Blanks." All she wanted to do was surprise him, too.
God do I wish Jay and Tonia lived in Philly. I would go over to their house with my video camera once a week and just let them riff on life and whatnot.
In any event, as a rule, what pimp money pays for, pimp hands should keep. But I'm going to extend courtesies to Tonia, who Jay didn't pimp out.
It is so ordered that these two should stay together.

Melissa Fields v. Rafael Marin

2009-09-16T11:56:00.000-07:00

How do I put this delicately? I just can't.
Remember Blair's cousin Jerri on Facts of Life (if I spelled it wrong, I'm sorry, Blair and Jerri)? Me too. Vividly. And that's what Melissa Fields sounds like. And I couldn't get that out of my head.
Not when Melissa said that he told her he'd never been married before though he'd been married (if you believe her) four times or (if you believe him) twice.
Not when Melissa said she wanted him to lose his old friends since she "thought we'd meet some better people" when they moved in together.
Not when Melissa said that he started to both drink and chain smoke after they got married, despite three (or four previous DUIs).
Not when Melissa said that their first date was at a "porwnoe shop" after which they didn't speak for a week because she "thawht he used me as ah juan-night stand." (Fun fact: She said he brought her a diamond necklace next time he saw her. He pointed out to Judge Toler that it was fake. Zing.)
And not when Melissa said that "he duusn't desuurve nuuthing" in explaining why she kept all his property when they broke up.
Nope, I'm not even going to discuss it. Other than saying she looks like a chubby blond lawn gnome.
Because I want to talk about Baby, the centerpiece of World War Fields-Marin. Baby's the only victim here. Both of these people want custody of Baby. Melissa is even allergic to dogs, yet says that Baby "is my best friend. Not his."
Rafael told the court that "the only thing I ask for, she won't give it." Well, two things: the $6K entertainment center and the dog. (He chose dog over entertainment center, though.) At which point the bailiff Joe took Baby over to Rafael. Where Baby was pouting and laying with Melissa, Baby popped up, tail a-wagging when she got near Daddy-O. (Full disclosure: Tail was wagging when poochie went back to Melissa).
Even though Rafael is currently looking for a place to sleep, I ruled that Baby was better off with him.
Judge Toler didn't agree, merely granting one-week-a-month visitation.
Judge Toler was a cold-hearted sexist on this day.

Cynthia Brown vs. Shawn Brown

2009-09-03T07:12:00.000-07:00

Let's see, today is Sept. 3, 2009, right? Why do I ask that simple questions. Oh, because right out of the gates, the Divorce Court screen says "Last Appearance: May 16, 2008." Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that can only mean Cynthia Brown and Shawn Brown that have twice taken their cases to Judge Lynn Toler in the past 16 months. But wait, it gets better: Factor in that the episode first appeared on Feb. 2, 2009 and the math tells me that they were there twice in just under the nine-month nick. Put another way, their rekindling love was prematurely proven impossible.
Only three words can describe that: Awe, some and awesome.
So here's the breakdown: In their first appearance, Shawn said the divorce was all over "some chicken tenders" whilst Cynthia claimed that while the two of them were outside one night, some tramp stopped her car and said, "Shawn where you supposed to be and when she didn't want to leave, I beat her through the window." Diet, cheating, violence. Three options right there.
Well, they got back together after May '08's Chicken Tender Battle. Cynthia says that for about five months, Shawn was fine, but then he went back to the trampin' about. Yet Shawn says that it only took about a week for her to get back to her Inspector Gadget mode. "Basically, I just want to get as far away from this woman as I can," he said. She's "back to her old ways. All crazy. And stalkin'."
He's a cabdriver, with a lot of ladies who call him, he says, for work. But when those ladies call, here goes Cynthia again, breaking glass and carrying on. "It's obvious he was out there cheating again," sayeth Cynthia, who checked his voicemails to make her case that customers were actually lovers. And when she called one of the girls, she heard, "He told me he had a roommate, not a wife."
I think I'm leaning toward Shawn, however, since Cynthia readily admitted that she chased him with a knife one night when he got home. But just as soon as I could type that, Shawn's gotta get all, "I don't want to be with a big girl anymore. I want a skinny girl." To defend himself, husky guy says that it bothers him that Cynthia's grown into being able to wear his clothes. Rut roh. Then, he said she pulled the fake pregnancy card on him. Even though he later found out she couldn't get pregnant. But that the test came up positive because she -- wait for it -- borrowed urine from a pregnant chick. Double rut roh.
Sounds as if we have a pair of very decent people at work here.

James Rivers vs. Marie Rivers

2009-08-28T07:38:00.000-07:00

This is a bittersweet day. On the one hand, we have a Divorce Court proceeding involving a dude who claims a dudette tried to run him over with a car and a dudette who allegedly tried a dude over with a car. And, let's face it, that is rad.
But at the same time, my BlackBerry's zapped and I can't snap-and-email pictures of the participants. The words will have to suffice.
So, James is the kind of guy who looks like a blend of Tex Cobb and Jame Gumb (aka Jamie Gumb, John Grant) and Marie looks like, well, a gingery Catherine Martin, pre-getting-Precious-into-the-well.
What we have here is a shotgun wedding that devolves into a post-first-year loveless marriage. Marie's "not much of a housekeeper. Adds James, "I don't really like waking up to roaches on my face."
Meanwhile, James brings his sub-18-looking, foot-and-a-half-shorter girlfriend Ashley Hinton to court. It's fitting, since she moved into that loveless home. I'm not sure how that makes James better equipped to handle a screaming-for-mommy-all-the-time 2.5 year old, but hey, the freaky menage potential's there. So they got that going for them. (Side note: Judge Lynn was also worried about the NAMGLA potential here and Ashley noted that she was 22, before complaining about the home's cleanliness. You go girl.
But then Lynn got all like, how dare you criticize when James' wife is supporting you and your boyfriend of three years. Get of the high horse, Yer Honor. I mean, Marie nodded her head yes when James started talking about almost getting smoked by a "V-8 going about 90."
She was mad, yes, "but she didn't hit him."
Ergo, I don't see why James is on the hook for the $93.58 cable bill, especially when James and Ashley aren't planning to get married. Ashley has dreams of being an actress and will not go home to her parents "comfortably" since Daddy Nurse Anesthetists is stubborn and tried to foist his dreams upon her. And if that doesn't have true romance written all over it, nothing does.
It is so ordered.

Nicole Adley vs. Delawrence Adley

2009-08-25T12:32:00.001-07:00

Anytime a Divorce Court proceeding begins with the sentence, "I've been bamboozled, led astray by this gorgeous man right here," you know you're in for a treat. But, as soon as you get all giddy 'n shit, the dame drops that they have a "compromised child born with a short esophagus," and playtime's over. Well, philosophically. Not literally. Because -- check this out, fellas -- when Nicole Adley would head out to work to, you know, make some money, Delawrence Adley readily admits that Judge Toler was right in saying that, "these sare the remarks of a man who doesn't want to work."
"No Ma'am. I like to stay home and play video games. ... I don't like to sweat. I don't like to get dirty. That's not me."
And even though Judge Lynn got all "you're an embarrassment to brothers everywhere" or something like that, and sided with Nicole in her pursuit of $450 to repair a bumper her man destroyed - "It's not my fault" came to delawrdecree -- I back Delawrence, even over Nicole's crocodile girl-power tears. ("I love him, but I love him enough to walk away, sugar.")
Delawrence is smooth like BDK.
Delawrence is pimp like Don the Magic Juan.
Delawrence, says Nicole, "is very sexual" like Casanova
And Delawrence ain't about to let a courtroom filled to the teeth with haters get HIM down.
Game, Delawrence.
Set, Delawrence.
Match, Delawrence.
It is so ordered.

Clearly, Danielle has never laid eyes upon Delawrence.

Jennifer Simmons v. Omarr Jennings (Double Feature)

2009-08-21T14:09:00.000-07:00

Well, now I've seen it all. By "it all," I mean a case that requires not one episode of Divorce Court, but two. But even early on, I can tell this was a special case. Just look at how it's broken down on the info bar:

That's right, Omarr Jennings from San Antonio done pulled the "trifling" card. Snap.
Right out the gate, Jennifer Simmons's all like, Omarr don't want to provide for his family. Omarr don't want to stop cheating. Trifling, indeed. But she had the money line of recent Divorce Court memory with, in talking about how they met, but not knowing Omarr was already married at the time, "We both had something in common, which was nothing. I thought nothing and nothing might make something. But nothing and nothing leaves nothing."
Now, that's some deep shit. For real, f'real. Even if Omarr, a 31-year-old forklift operator with five kids spread across two marriages, had to go all, "She had nothing. I had hope."
To which Judge Toler retorted, "Hope hasn't paid a bill yet." Double snap. Oh, here's Omarr and Jennifer:
So anyway, a few fun facts:
-- Omarr was suing to get a picture of his great grandmom back.
-- Omarr's wife torched Jennifer's welcome mat when she found her husband was trampin' about.
-- At Omarr and Jennifer's wedding, when the priest asked if anybody objected, everybody looked at Jennifer's mom who told Judge Toler that, "She went from riches to rags." Triple snap. "He's a thug. Reaking of smoke. Walks in [to Thanksgiving] wassup, wassup, wassup. I'm checking him out and he's checking my other daughter out and Jennifer can't see it!"
-- Omarr's all like, Jennifer's mom neglected Jennifer so she has no room to judge.
-- Omarr managed, somehow, to "manage" to get a Suburban sans job. (Big ups, O.)
-- Jennifer was, according to Omarr, an exotic dancer. Jennifer was NOT, according to Jennifer and Jennifer's mother, an exotic dancer. This is important because, according to Judge Toler, Omarr "discussed pimping his wife out to pay some bills." Quadruple SNAP. (She ultimately got a job as a janitor. Yeah, lady janitor.)
-- Jennifer alleged that Omarr gambled away the rent money. Omarr concedes as much.
-- Omarr says Jennifer was very disrespectful to him on multiple occasions in public, not affording him the ability to handle their finances.
And that's only the first episode!
The second half kicks off with a discussion of Omarr's dreams of being a rapper. Which, quickly segues into how Jennifer got locked up for slapping Omarr with a knife one him. "Didn't stab him. Slapped him." which is as good a defense as any, I guess. But still, that's just the kind of disrespect that Omarr's talkin' 'bout. Back to the fun-fact construct:
-- During one fight over Omarr's cheating, Jennifer locked herself in a 7-11 bathroom.
-- Jennifer ended up getting a job "because the fast money was gettin' old to me." Plus, she was "getting ready to have my baby."
-- Jennifer busted into Omarr's Yahoo account and saw an email from another young lady. She proceeded to call that young lady who let her know something that refuted the thought that she was interested in Omarr. That something? "She was interested in me!" Jennifer declared. F yeah.
-- Omarr says she slacked off after she had some kids. Jennifer says she did so on purpose and sidled up to Omarr's boss, who was a rat bastard being all like, "Omarr's going to the strip joints getting strip joints." Noted Jennifer, "He was providing me with information. I was providing him with pleasure." (Whore.)

All of which is to say, well, these are some really putrid human beings. Shame on them for wasting Judge Lynn Toler's time. I feel like part of me managed to die in the past 44 minutes. And Omarr's great grandmom is ashamed of her bloodline.

Tenico Bowden and Dawn Jones vs. Antwine Bowden

2009-08-18T08:14:00.000-07:00

Here's a nugget of conversation from right out of the judicial case pitting Tenico Bowden vs. Antwine Bowden after eight years of marriage.
Mrs. Bowden: "He's a jobless, jealous stalker."
Mr. Bowden: "Yeah, I might be a stalker. I wouldn't necessary call it stalking. I'd call it intelligence gathering. My wife here is over-burned party animal that likes women."
Mrs. Bowden: "Correction, your honor: LOVES women."
Nice!
Now, Antwine admits he new of Tenico's penchant for bisexuality right around the time they had their first child. He didn't expand on how. There were allegations of cheating and, through his intelligence gathering, Antwine discovered Tenico was using her barbershop as a cover that turned allegation to suspicious evidence. But really, who cares? That's a dime a dozen Divorce Court factor. I'll let Tenico's new ladylove Dawn Jones break it down: Dawn started seeing Tenico while she was still married to Antwine and says he just showed up at her place around the time that Tenico "retired" from barbering.
From there Tenico claims her Sixth Sense led her to believe he was cheating on her. Antwine then afforded the ladies the right to live as a happy triple. "But it's not like that!" all three of them said.
And, well, that's when I lost interest. Because it really wasn't like that.

William Allen vs. Michele Allen

2009-08-18T07:51:00.000-07:00

I've been lax in my Divorce Court updates the past week or so. For that, I'm ashamed. But today, I'll make up for it with a pair of cases that caught my eye. Well, as long as the two I have DVRd after the case of William Allen vs. Michele Allen are suitable for posting. A quick description: William reminds me of Private Joker from Full Metal Jacket. Goofy, but standing upright as an ex-Marine. He's the kind of guy who latched onto a woman who resembles a cross between Sideshow Bob and Rocky Dennis.
This case was one of abuse, but in reverse. In fact, it was a tear-inducing case for many parties when William alleged that Michele spit in his mother Miriam's face while she cleaned up cat food from the ground. "She called me a liar, and a pig and pushed me back, knocked William out of the way and spit in my face."
Michele's response: "Yeah, because she constantly lied to me." Michele denied having pushed Miriam, though.
Judge Lynn Toler rightfully ripped into the tramp for that.
It didn't seem to me that Michele deserved a penny of the $450 a month for six months she was seeking for "transitional support," even though her own father called his ex-son-in-law lazy and unwilling to get a job. Because, quite frankly, the only thing missing from this situation was a microwaved bunny. I'll let William summarize it:
"She sits there and she constantly physically, emotionally and verbally abuses me. She will hit me for no reason, just to make her happy. She'll walk over and bite me. She'll make fun of me."
Michele's retort: "I have never done that."
Bullshit.
It is so ordered.

Kimberly Sabaston vs. Robert Sabaston

2009-08-06T06:56:00.000-07:00

Talk about a match made in hell. Mrs. Kimberly Sabaston is totally out of Mr. Robert Sabaston's hotness league. Yet, there she is ring on her finger. A ring that bought her 14 years of no affection or caring, and being told, among other things, what she could and couldn't wear. Makes sense, then, that he wants to stay married yet she doesn't.
Robert cops to a controlling nature thanks to his military history, which is pretty valiant of him, but Kimberly undercuts any pity by quoting one of "hundreds of letters" asking him for hugs and affection before he explains why he was in the right. To which I say: Dude, seriously? You never acted on hot bride asking you to feel up on her because you "could never totally trust her" after hearing she sidled up wit dudes while they were separated?
Fun fact: Robert wrote a resume for Kimberly including a summary of qualifications that read, "Causing pain and suffering, don't care who $50, Acting like a fool $75, Not being smart enough to know what I'm doing, PRICELESS." Ok, that's creative and a bit humorous, I'll give him that.
Under "Supporting Strengths," the resume listed, "Strong conflict and problem starting skills. As a hobby, I enjoy ignoring my family (except my 18 year old daughter whom I am training) and going out to drink, party and collect [BLURRED OUT] for my personal use. (I don't use my hands though, it's too messy.) ...
"Experience: 2007-present. Queen Hoe."

Even Judge Lynn found it funny, because it was funny. But the fact of the matter is this: Kimberly got into this whole mess because she moved in with Robert after knowing him for a week because "she needed a place to stay." Fourteen years later, her online affairs led to real affairs that had her travel to Miami with a sidepiece; her arrival home launched Robert's stalker-ism. "I was not stalking her," Robert retorted. "I was defending my marriage."

Doesn't look to me like it can be saved here, but Robert surely does because he still loves Kimberly. But, he clearly lost the public-relations war when he handed Lynn a letter from their 8-year-old son begging for help. Once Kimberly told the court that Robert saddled the kid with the theory that "mommy chose boyfriend over daddy," well, that was the Tet Offensive against Robert. It is so ordered.

Latoya Young vs. Thurston Young

2009-08-06T06:22:00.000-07:00

Well, this was a first: Let's call it Threesome Divorce Court. Latoya Young married Thurston Young seven-and-a-half years ago and says, "It's been hell. He lied, cheated and tried to control me, but I didn't let him." Well, that's no good. So, Thurston went and pursued an open relationship whereby Mimi Velasquz (who just happened to wear a moo-moo to Judge Toler's courtroom) moved in for a few months. But, get this: Mimi says, "They introduced themselves as cousins." Yowsers!
It seems the problems started a little before home-begat-brothel with back-and-forth wannabe-swinger accusations. Latoya, who is angrier than Henry Rollins, says they "used to take walks in the mall, have fun, enjoy things," but that "the fun just stopped after I gave him his first daughter." She proceeds to accuse him of chit-chatting on the phone all the time" but Thurston -- with Mimi seconding the motion -- says that Latoya spends all her time chit-chatting on the phone! Have mercy!!!
When Mimi brings her crooked front tooth to the stand, she admits she was banging Mr. Young while Mrs. Young was home, but that Mrs. Young had another Mister with her at the time. Things turned sour when another chick from North Carolina's arrival exposed the fact that the cousins were actually spouses. Miss NC was sent away, though, when Thurston told her he preferred the girl from Jersey (aka Mimi). Still with me?

A highlight: Mimi, after saying "She don't have this ring for nothing" and that Thurston turns over his entire paycheck to her, noted that "He's done things for me to me that he's never done to his wife and other females." To which Judge Toler responded that Thurston "had half of the continental United States" traipsing through his bedroom. Tou-f'in-che, Lynn.

The silver lining, however, is that one he divorces himself from Latoya (who worked as a home health aide for four months), Thurston plans to marry Mimi. Break out the shotgun, though: Mimi's already five months preggers.

Woe is that friggin' kid, but at least Her Honor urged Mimi to wait a few years to breed again, just in case Thurston isn't really a knight in shining armor. (Which, clearly, he is.)

Monroe v. Monroe

2009-08-04T06:10:00.000-07:00

Been a long time, but Fox29 in Philly not only switched the Divorce Court starting time (from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m.) but went from a twofer to just one episode, and that one episode has been a whole lotta reruns lately. It saddens me. But it makes me cherish the days when we meet people like Erica and Harold Moore.

As you can see above, Erica's borderline gingre and Harold, well he sports two silver hoop earrings and a douchey lil manpatch upon his chin. And, from everything I heard over the 22 minutes in court, these were not good people.

Let's start with Erica, whom Harold took to calling "Inspector Gadget," because once he started checking out the porn sites on the old computer machine (and talking to porny ladies therein on his mobile phone), Inspector Gadget took to spying on him and reviewing his correspondences and cell-phone records.

But what struck me more about Erica's inspectory ways was Harold saying his naked pursuits arose -- get it? -- when she came home one day and noted, "she wanted to see other people" while remaining married, of course. (She was a customer service agent and this other people was one customer whom, I presume, she wanted to service effectively.) Well, that and the "boredom" around the house drove Harold to cheat. Or, as Erica puts it, he not only "became distant" but he talked to another girltoy for "143 minutes" one month. ONE FORTY THREE, yo! Not sure if that was more or less offensive than when Harold banged Erica's cousin. "Yes I did," hoop-earringed guy said. TWICE, yo! "I wanted to give her something to look for."

Touche, Harold.

But, the both of you should never be allowed on TV again. In fact, they should revoke your procreation license. And now, for Divorce Court call-in advice:

Amanda Scott vs. Charles Scott; Rock hangs in the balance

2009-07-18T08:40:00.000-07:00

Awesome case on D.C. that I just caught via the wonders of a DVR. It was pitting Amanda Scott vs. her husband Charles Scott and custody of their pooch, Rock, who was in court but unable to testify on either parents' behalf.
Amanda really wanted to stay married, and Charles kind of wanted to stay married, but if it couldn't work out, Amanda was vehement that Rock stayed with her. I can see why. Rock's pimp.
The non-canine issues were Charles' flirtations...

"He likes to flirt very much. A big flirt. Check out the earrings in his ears."

She cited the cases of women flirting with him at a restaurant and a department store, inviting Charles home for a threesome with her and her husband. But Charles was having none of it.

"Every time we went back, I'd ask him is that her, is that her. ... Then, he went to bar and got in trouble for dancing with someone's wife!"

... and Amanda's online activities and her slovenly side...

"She started calling me Charlie (very first day we met) and said nobody else could. First time I ever seen this girl, I just started working at McDonalds restaurant, she called me Charlie (and Amanda freaked out.) ... She should stop fussing so much and at least have some kind of consideration. She'll get up from the computer walk to the sink and just leave her dirty dishes in there."

But, the star of this show was clearly Rock, about whom Judge Lynn had veterinarian Dr. Sean Goodell come in from Manhattan Beach to talk about proper pet feedings. Charles, it seems, likes feeding Rock "tuna fish, Mike and Ikes." To which he retorted he honors the nutritional charts of "vegetables, meats and dairy." Amanda had a video of Rock getting his doggy mouf on some ribs that Charles brought him in a styrofoam container...

Long story short: They didn't split at the end, and Dr. Goodell left us all with a valuable lesson.

"Ribs, for instance, are high in fat. They can actually give a dog a pretty bad upset stomach, even to the degree of hospitalization. But if he hasn't (reacted poorly to them after eating them every so often), he's probably a dog with a tough stomach."

But chocolate? That's a no-no.
Which Charlie gladly accepted:

"Fried chicken, Rock can eat that, because it's not chocolate."

Valuable lesson, learned.

Triplett v. Smith

2009-07-10T04:32:00.001-07:00

Short and sweet: Brandi Smith was married to Todd Triplett's best friend. Brandi Smith cheated on Todd Triplett's best friend with Todd Triplett, thus leading to a November 2008 appearance in Divorce Court. Lo and behold, Brandi was back for a second appearance just a few months later, seeking Judge Toler's blessing to wed the man with whom she cheated. (Spoiler: She said as long as Todd gets himself, like Brandi urges, a J-O-B, they should be fine.) The only questions centered on Todd's jealousy and controlling nature. That said, I concur with the stance that made its way onto an on-screen graphic:

Nice. Beardey thing. Bro.

That Damn Movie Food

2009-07-08T11:39:00.000-07:00

McKinniss v. McKinniss

2009-07-08T05:47:00.000-07:00

Gary McKinniss is the kind of guy who brings a cowboy hat with him to Divorce Court, but knows better than to obscure our view of his permullet with it. (Think of him as a trailor-park inspired version of the narrator from Lebowski.)
Whose wife of 22 years, Kathy, offers a video of Gary brushing one of his three horses hair and says, "He doesn't brush my hair like that." (Heartbreaking but understandable as she didn't dress better than a TJ Maxx sale for her -- I would assume -- only TV appearance.)
Who gets accused of stealing 12K from their joint checking account despite that she doesn't have a job and he's the breadwinning maintenance man at 119 properties!
Whose mother-in-law, Dororty Blankenship, came to court via speakerphone to weigh in on her daughter's longing to break the ties that bind her to Gary. (Talk about backfiring; Ms. Blankenship said she "loves him but just wish he'd get a full-time job.)
Who won't let his bride watch "the murder stuff on Lifetime because he thinks I'm plotting" (Those assembled may have laughed heartily, but Gary confirmed that it was a "good possibility. ... She already ranned me over with truck, gave it more gas when I was in front of it on my bike." This, after she pulled all the wires out of his car because he "was leaving.")
Who, when his wife was getting ready to go out and find a job, stole and hid her shoe. (It would have been shoes, but she already had one on!) Talk about a jealous streak!
Who doesn't know if his 15-year-old daughter Kalee is flesh and blood. If she wasn't, he wanted a divorce. If she was, wife wanted a divorce. A Divorce Court Catch-22 if I've ever seen one!(A paternity test proved she was and Judge Toler, at the end of the show, urged him to get on his 'pologizin' knees and make up his questioning of Kalee, to Kalee. Indeed, he planned on it.)
But, worst of all in Kathy's eyes, "He wants to watch wrestling (all the time.) He wants me to watch wrestling. I don't like wrestling!"

Walthall vs. Walthall

2009-07-05T13:15:00.000-07:00

Well, the case of Brandon Walthall vs. Comonet Walthall was interesting in that Judge Toler enlisted the help of "Evangelist Dr." Juanita Bynum, who watched the proceedings unfold from insider chambers. This, because the Walthall's said that the pastor of their church -- and what a fine church it must be -- told them to go home, pray on who they'd get assigned to marry, come back and tell Him who Jebus assigned to the task.
While Bynum maintained that Scripture holds "He who findeth a wife, not pastor findeth for him," both Walthalls claim the Lordeth told them to marry other people. But, he told them to marry each other (they were each other's third "vision." Which they did.
Long story short:
-- Brandon cheated on Comonet with someone in the congregation!
-- They trusted said pastor because, when he prophesized that anybody who needs a new car will get one, they needed and got one. (Coincidentally, with zero down, at the dealership where the pastor told them that Jebus told him they'd find a good deal.) "That led us to believe, 'God, we should believe him (the pastor.) He said zero down!" Seriously.
-- Evangelist Dr. Bynum, when summoned into the House of the Law, told Lynn Toler "my stomach was boiling back there." She proceeded to dress Mr. Walthall down for yelling at Mrs. Walthall for getting food stamps when, in fact, he was "bringing in enough money to keep everybody's bellies full."
An American tragedy, to be sure. But, even an evangelist doctor can't alter the course of history when people list the reason for their pending divorce as "they never loved each other."
It was so ordered.

Cover-Ups

2009-07-01T14:14:00.000-07:00

So, today's first case was rather boring. Only notable in that hubby was 35 and wifey was 21. And that they had three kids. Ho-hum. But the call-in answer? Another story altogether. Suffice it to say, I think Hope from Ohio is a downright scamp.

McComb v. McComb

2009-06-30T19:23:00.000-07:00

I sure don't envy Judge Toller since she's dealing with the case of Stephanie McCord, who not only burnt her husband Tracy's clothes but sold the Camaro he'd restored with their 4-yo son (for $500) and their pet cat for an undisclosed sum. All because he worked too much. Then, Stef's pock-faced hillbilly sister called Tracy "a dog," again, for working too much.

It was inevitable

2009-06-30T19:17:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the unexpected popularity of my Divorce Court updates on Book de Face, I've decided to transport my semi-regular observations to a blog of their own. Worry not, when I update here, I'll let it be known via Blunt and FB.
Just don't expect me to do it daily.
That would drive me mad.