Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Quianna Jeffries vs. Deandre Jeffries















Since this case seems revolve around rap -- specifically bad rap -- I'd like to start with a shout out: What up, Judge Lynn, keep on with your intense with common sense self. You do Philly proud.
Now where was I? Oh yes, "Rap Talkin'" Quianna being all like, Wah, Deandre's controlling and has OCD. Wah, Deandre freaked out when Quianna didn't put hangers in the closet properly or gets weird like that dude with the alphabetized cans in that old Julia Roberts movie.
Well, Deandre breaks it down like this: "I'm into order ... and it's easier for me to find seasonings when they're in order." Aw yeah.
Get this: D's dream is to be a rapper and a producer, but Q keeps getting in the way of his Jay-Z-ing. So Q's all like, We're in business together. And then there was one "paying opportunity" that she messed up by getting all, Yo, Deandre, I should be up in this bitch too.
So, about eight minutes into this I've made two observations: Quianna's wack. And Quianna can't rap, even after telling Judge Lynn she was "good." She considers controlled talk lecturing rap. It ain't.
But then up on the mic gets Deandre and, well, he's better that MC Qui, but so am I. And so is Charlie Dawg who's sitting at my feet right now, just waiting for Big Daddy Kane to get on the horn and invite her onto a couple tracks. But, he still ain't all that good. (His reason for divorce is "wife isn't supportive of his rap career" and wants $900 for a TV.)
Hey, I'm all for people pursuing their dreams so I don't be hatin'. Quianna's got a point about D blowing a night out with her so he could use the VIP passes to meet a rapper. Deandre just wants her to understand more, and Quianna just wants him to explain more. That, and doing some stuff around the house every once and a while. Or stop trying to "get rich on eBay," "try to open a hot-dog stand," or "create stuff on the Internets."
Alas, the 400 pounds of hot dog meat went to waste because, as per Deandre, "I can't eat 400 pounds of meat."
Just like that, it became easy for me to order that Deandre may be a decent dude, but at his core, he's a meat-fearing ladyboy. But, even more pressing is my concurring with Judge Lynn that Quianna is "ghetto simple." I'm not sure what's worse. Ok, Quianna's worse. Deandre should be all, "Good Riddance."

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Joanne Meadows vs. Steve Meadows (with correction)











I'm going to resist the urge to even mention the word "jowly," but that's only because the tagteam of Joanne and Steve Meadows offered enough fodder to distract me from sightline distraction.
Like, how Steve "barters his services" repairing planes so he can fly and loves doing so ... except when Joanne calls the control tower to ask air-traffic controllers if he has ladies up in the sky with him at that very moment.
Or how Joanne gambled away their mortgage money ... which is particularly intriguing when you consider that neither Joanne nor Steve are employed.
Or how Steve is handed a To-Do schedule each morning when he leaves the home. When Steve presented Judge Lynn with a six-item list, Joanne says he made it up. "I suggest things to him," says Joanne, who is alleged to decide what pants Steve is permitted to wear.
Or how Joanne measures the seatbelts when Steve (corrected) gets home to detect whether the passenger seat one has been lady altered.
Or how Steve's witness -- and flight school owner -- Mike Punziano claims that Joanne is kind of like DeNiro in Taxi Driver with the whole "You lookin' at me?" approach to conversation.
Or how Judge Lynn gets props for asking Joanne if she considers herself fun to talk to, this while Steve avers that she's "boring and bossy." (When asked whether he made efforts to reignite the marital flame, Steve says that they just went out for chicken wings last Tuesday.)
See what I mean?

Monday, September 28, 2009

Mari Cole vs. Eddie Cole












Yes, it's a safe bet -- after checking out those pictures atop these words -- that I think well-dressed Eddie Cole's mustachio is totally, unequivocally Boss. This is the truth. But from what Mari's saying right out the gate, Eddie is most certainly not as boss as his virile stash.
Take the wedding night, for instance. Eddie got into a knock-down drag-out with one of the two sons deemed, by Mari, as gangsters. "I went to the phone to call the police to try and break it up," Mari says, "and another family member ... grabbed a pan and cracked me upside the head with the pan and I still got the scar to prove it to this day! I shoulda left him that night."
"I wish she woulda left me that night," Dapper Ed said, gesticulating (if that means making rehearsed hand gestures. "I knew the marriage was over when that happened."
So, just a recap: New bride gets headsmacked with pan. New husband knew relationship was doomed ... before the reception.
That's just plain awesome.
Big picture, it seems that Daddy's Lil Rugrats can't do no wrong in the Proud Papas eyes, even when he bails them up out of the jails and prisons. Rugrat Nicolas Cole testified via video that Mari "needs to grow up, accept that my dad is not gonna forget about is kids and that's all I got to say about Mari." I wish I heard more but I was transfixed on the mongo zit on Nicolas' forehead.
Listen, Mari is probably regretting that time has rendered her non-pole-worthy so she's as charming as a double-wide welcome gnome but Eddie, man, he reminds me of Zed as in "Zed who keeps The Gimp in the basement." Not cultured enough to sew a lady suit, nor reasonable enough to realize discipline is part of effective maturation. A dozen minutes in, Eddie defends his 16-year-old for getting pinched on armed-robbery charges. He has a point, though, when he says her "thug" accusations don't contribute to a showing-respect willingness on behalf of thee Cole boyz.
Other fun facts:
-- Mari wants $1,800 in reimbursements for the 12 rings she was forced to pawn. It looks like she used the ring money to get "motel room, gas for the truck and food."
-- She's called the cops on Eddie so often that the lawmen said if she cries wolf again, she's going downtown. (Well, downboondocks.)
-- They agree that Mari's a hot-head.
-- She says "suh-pose-uh-blee."
-- Say what they will about Eddie, though, but his stash is still boss.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Darrell McCullough vs. Kenya McCullough

Darrell McCullough says his wife cheated on him with her ex-boyfriend.
His wife Keyna McCullough says Darrell stole $500 from her.
And tried to buy illegal food stamps while returning his wedding tuxedo.
And knocked another woman up.
And has four 10-year-old children.
With four different mothers.
Kenya wrote a poem entitled, "We're Done" to express her feelings about these matters. It includes the word, "ackrite."
I refuse to judge, though. Because Darrell McCullough, who was incarcerated "for 40 days and 40 nights," has some straight-up fashion sense.
Represent.

James "Bathroom Rockstar" Evenson vs. Cheyenne "Fat Ass" Evenson


Well, this one got personal right out the trailer-park door.
Says Cheyenne Evenson: "I want to divorce this thing over here because he thinks he's a rockstar. He's ruining my life."
Says James Evensen after Cheyenne complained that he spent the rent loot on tats: "I have an image to uphold ... I look good and I know it. I'm frontman. Everybody looks at me."
Counters Cheyenne: "He's an electronics technician. He's not a rockstar. They play in a garage. Nobody sees them."
Au contraire, says James, noting that he made $250 one night chasing his dream.
Au contraire, retorts Cheyenne, noting "while we're getting ready to go out, look at my butt and tell me it's flat and saggy and tell me his is rounder and firmer. He'll go on a computer and get pictures of girls, that are photoshopped, and say you should look like that. How am I supposed to look like that when he controls everything I eat?!" (James said that yes, he writes up some foodie guidelines. I couldn't see asses for comparison's sake, though.)
That was just in the first five minutes, mind you. A pre-first-commercial extravaganza that featured the Cheyenne highlight of, "I'm living off cigarettes, coffee, a can of peas and half an apple."
Did I mention the Evensen marriage was 90 days old at this point? And that he already pulled the "man has needs" line when averring that Cheyenne gave it up once a week and that he had to buy $25 bottles of wine to even have a shot to get near Cheyenne's flat ass. "I'm French," she says of the wine. "He's always comparing his bold to mine."
I could go on, because this was just a quotefest on par with being backstage at a Dokken show. I mean, dude was wearing $1,100 pants to Divorce Court. "An investment," says James.
All of which is to say the call that Cheyenne intercepted -- it started "Hey baby" and ended with her learning that he was stamping some motel tramp on lunch breaks -- and Cheyenne smashing his car into a tree and then putting it back into its parking spot with $2,812.66 would normally stand out.
But not with these purebreds who exist Inna-Gadda-Da-Appalachia.
I felt like the human race regressed the day these people were born.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Finally, Madonna does something of value

Robert "Chickenphile" Brown vs. Tammara "Chickenphobe" Williams










Well, this one shouldn't take long at all to sum up. Robert had gotten a new job and his first associated paycheck. But he didn't tell Tammara. Oh no he didn't. Rather, when Tammara got home, what she saw was a table covered with fried chicken. Here's what Robert had to say by way of explanation:
He was on his way home and "just glanced a little to the right and I seen this Caesar's Pizza Pizza and they had a big sign up in front and it said, 'A deal on some chicken.' So, I went and got it. And then, on the way home I went to the liquor store ..." He trailed off, but the point was clear: Robert spent two days pay on chicken and booze.
From there, the chicken conversation covered how Robert doesn't like using new grease to make his in-home chicken. Before the first commercial, he took pre-made fried chicken out of a basket on the table. In it was Tammara's chicken ("Dry") and his mama's chicken ("Now THIS is chicken. Yo! Yo! Yo! You want a piece of this chicken?).
So anyway, Robert admits to being a mama's boy. He also admits he's lucky that he didn't hit the dude Tammara was all hugged up on in the supermarket onaccounta the fact that he was the deacon at her church!
But this case is about chicken and chicken alone. Me? I love me some chicken. I've driven over to the KFC in Strawberry Mansion on occasion because when you get to craving chicken, the only thing that will make the hankering disappear is some chicken. Good chicken makes the world go 'round, and when Tammara said she "can't even look at chicken anymore," she lost all respect.
It is so ordered.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Jamey "Buttercup" Brackley vs. Rich "I Grew a Luscious Goatee Since the '03 Appearance When My Wife Told the World I Was Racist" Brackley


Where oh where, do I begin?
With the time Rich Brackley painted swastikas on Jewish lawyers' lawns or got into "fights with black people, the apes, y'know, just for the Hell of it"?
Or how Rich didn't get to bang his new bride on their wedding night 'cause she was off diddling some chick she dug?
Yeah, that sounds like a good introduction for a case when an "apefighter" is asking for $4K for "emotional distress." Oh, and he's the saner member of the bunch.
So anyway, Rich says he's seen the 2003 episode and he thought he looked like a damn brainwashed fool. (And who said daytime-court TV shows don't have a positive impact?!) He went from "you people got Jesus Christ, I got Hitler" to "I changed my ways for her and all she did was get worse on me, lying, cheating on me. I burnt my flags. I got rid of all my little Hitler things. I got rid of all my books; I don't want my kid seeing that. It was a stupid thing."
So Buttercup chimes in -- and, as a side note, she's probably the second, third best-looking dame I've seen on D.C. but she loses cute points for the Northeast-Philly-esque accent ... and the insanity -- that he's still angry and all attitude-y with her. And Rich readily admits that the Italian anger rubbed off on kiddo.
An example of hubby anger: When some dude "drove her home from work," Rich went all berzerker style beating him up to the point that wifey attacked him with a motorcycle helmet. At first, this sounded like overkill. I mean, the dude was 17 years old for crissake. But then Rich came correct with words of Divorce Court wisdom:
"If you're old enough to have a job, old enough to have a car, old enough to sleep with someone's wife, you're old enough to get beat."
This was followed by applause from the gallery. As it should have been.
From there, they get into a cheating back-and-forth. They were both proficient adulterers, it seems.
When Judge Lynn asked why she married a Nazi, she said she was trying to get him to change. He said, "I wouldn't marry a Nazi." She countered that it's alright if he burns crosses on black families lawns and whatnot, as long as it's not in front of her. He returned fire with the fact that she had a van of lesbians jump him in an effort to steal her child back when they were separated; this was because he didn't want his son to be around gays. He also didn't like it when she brought Mexicans to his house. She didn't like him falling $23K behind on child support.
This episode really outdid itself one minute to the next.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Bruce Jasmin vs. Angela Jasmin (with rabies on top)


I'll admit it: Maybe I come down on the Divorce Court side of the man more often than not. Maybe I just haven't gotten over their getting the right to drive yet. Who knows. But even if you come down on the Divorce Court side of the ladies more often than not, one thing we'll agree on is that Bruce Jasmin is in the right. Somewhat.
I mean, just a minute into today's second episode, when Bruce was contending that Angela's a wee bit too demanding and controlling, Demanding and Controlling Angela tried to interrupt him both with a cut-off vocal attempt and by pointing at her soon-to-be-ex manpiece. Then, it was declared that Angela also takes her kids off restriction after Bruce put them up on restriction, thus undermining papa's clout. And there Angela was, smirking and trying to talk again.
Hussy, suing for 2.4 grand for a living-room and some-other-room set.
Tramp, for calling him out for working 7 months out of their 8 years of marriage.
(Side note: Bailiff walked over and whispered something in Bruce's ear when wifey poo started talking about matters of employment. And how PlayStation filled his "work hours" because "my wife likes to make decisions without me.")
"You got more excuses than Kellogg's got Corn Flakes," the judge said before declaring he was all sorts of triflin.
So, logically, the conversation soon shifted to rabies shots, as it always does, everyday, everywhere. (Daughter got bat bit so they needed to ensure none of the Jasmin clan started white-foaming at the mouf.
Well, here's the Fun Fact No. 1: While Angela tries to emasculate her lover, she spends her time watching Springer. F'real. I mean, at least that gave Judge Lynn the segue into watching D.C. instead. (Six of one, half-dozen of the other some days.)
Oh, the rabies. So, one of Angela's twin daughters -- God help us all -- got bit on the arm by a bat. And what does Bruce go and do? He leaves before getting his rabies shot. "She was harrassing me," he explained as to why he didn't.
Dude. C'mon.
At least Angela blew a gasket at show's end by maintaining that he owes her $2,400, just because she had to move to Kentucky because a bat landed on her head one time that Bruce had never heard about before.
White chicks, man. Angela should lose the right to vote. It is so ordered.

Shaheedah Ali vs. Karim Ali










Oh Karim, why you gonna go have a baby with another woman when you married to Shaheedah? And why ain't you telling your baby mama to keep it on the DL so word don't get back to Shaheedah via her friend Daleeah Harris, who's friends with the corner-store workin' baby mama?
Sure, Shaheedah withheld sex because she suspected he was cheating, leading to the standard D.C. "overbearing" complaints. I guess that's what happens when the lady finds condoms in one's wallet even though "we haven't used condoms since 2000."
Fun fact: Karim said he put a password on his cellphone because he "delivered pizza."
Fun fact No. 2: When Daleeah and Shaheedah went over to Daleeah's friend's house, Shaheedah was bragging on the bracelet that her man got her. Well, Daleeah's friend started talking about how her boyfriend took her bracelet to get cleaned. Daleeah says Karim's lying when he says it ain't the same jewelry.
Fun fact No. 3: Shaheedah withheld sex for 2.5 years. Not a laughing matter, despite grrl-power giggles.
This whole mess is just beyond repair or worthiness of any further attention.
It is so ordered.

Ceasarae "Woo Woo" Smith vs. Jerussia "Overlordess" Smith










Back in college, someone told me the story about how they knew a nurse who told them that a baby left their nursery with a brand-spanking-new name that sounded like, "Fuh Mal Ay." It's because the parents saw the "Female" tag by their child and figured the hospital named them for you. Seriously.
Well, I thought of that as soon as the case of Ceasarae Smith vs. Jerussia Smith. I had to wonder whether Ceasarae was named after "Caesar," and Jerussia's parentals thought Jerusalem was a Moscow suburb, but things went awry at the naming ceremony. Things are still going wrong if you end up at Divorce Court though. Here's the breakdown:
-- Ceasarae says Jerussia's jealous and controlling, but that's just 'cause he cheated on her. He got caught because she hooked his cell phone bill up through her credit-card for monitoring purposes. She then found out that he bought another phone and hacked into it so she could check whether numbers showed up more than three times. He still went out with a gal who called 3+ times.
-- Ceasarae's very honest about his dalliances, though, and that's to be commended. He has a handkerchief to de-sweat his head. Even though, I can only assume Judge Lynn Toler keeps the room temp-controlled.
-- Jerussia worries that she's 14 years older than Ceasarae. Ceasarae, who was on probation at the time of wedded bliss, don't mind. But, he couldn't even wait two days to cheat. They were married a day. They soon had a chat, in which man told woman he wouldn't fight her divorce desires. They didn't split, though, and Ceasarae says he's lived under surveillance ever since. Probees notice these things. Fourteen-year elderladies just get mistaken for their boytoy's mammy.
-- Ceasarae admits that a lot of his boys are immature but that she "be over-reacting" when some lady bought him a drink one time.
-- Ceasarae says "Woo woo" a lot. I dig that.
-- Jerussia got a "Hey baby, what's good? Whatchu doing today?" text. Ceasarae thought "she was gettin some getback" so he called texter and let 'im rip.
-- Jerussia is suing for transitional support. But it seems to both me and Judge Lynn that this can all be worked out. Yes, Ceasarae has problems with Jerussia's control issues, but Jerussia is still interested in Ceasarae, who has to regain total trust. Seems that he has issues with the whole total openness thing, though. There's a chance they may be doing a follow-up appearance next season.
-- Judge Lynn digs that Jerussia got the young guy but laid down the law for ladyfolk: Let's start fighting with one another over the manfolk. Preach. On.
-- They ended with a hug after Ceasarae told Jerussia she "looked pretty."

Friday, September 18, 2009

Kandie Simmons (and her step-sister's brother Jimmy) vs. Dirk Simmons (and Kandie's Step-Sister Jennifer Demoss)












Good golly Miss Molly. It's 12:39 a.m. and I just threw some DVRd Divorce Court action on and what do I see? A few things:
-- A MBLA-looking dude named Dirk who celebrated the fact that Judge Toler's DNA test the first time he was in Divorce Court proved that the 11-year-old son he cared for with Kandie wasn't actually his. ("Yes! I knew it!" were his words.)
-- So Dirk's all hugged up on his exe's step-sister. Which drove Kandie to get engaged to step-sister's brother Jimmy.
-- At which point it was established that Jimmy was actually the father of Cary, Son of Dirk/Kandie.
-- So Judge Toler broke from the room and sat down with Cary in chambers. "It's just weird to see them together," said Cary of Dirk and Ms. Demoss. "Because she's kind of creepy."
Oh, if Cary only knew the half of freaky it. For the first time, though, I've actually felt bad for someone. This kid, he said that Dirk isn't as close to him anymore. You ask me, he's better off. Shame on these ingrates.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

And now, the quote of the Divorce Court day


"I treat women the way they want to be treated," says Don 'Don Juan the Pimpin Son' Ware, who was in Divorce Court at the behest of wannabe-ex-wife Tiffany Brown. "Like a doorknob. You turn it. You go in. You come out."

Amen, Don Juan the Pimpin Son. Amen.

Danita Foster vs. Carlos Foster



This one is like all the other controlling and/or "a lotta sex to little sex" cases so it bears little mention other than this:
Danita, who wouldn't give her husband a key because he was unemployed but levied a 12 a.m. curfew, is demanding $3,000 so she can have her three sons circumcised by her gynocologist again.
I repeat: Three re-circumcisions.
Godspeed, Carlos.
And Godspeed, Danita's frightened-of-scissors sons.
That is all.

Tonia Carson vs. Jay Carson


I'll cut to the chase with this one: Tonia Carson went to Divorce Court to get awarded a $5K CD collection on the grounds that "her husband is a pimp." Meanwhile, Mr. Carson steadfastly maintains that he "didn't say I was a pimp. I said I was something like a pimp."
Let that settle in for a moment before I proceed.
Pretty good, right? Well Tonia says "Jay" uses a few different names -- Kevin, Carnard, etc. -- and he's nothing but a gigolo/pimp. Jay (or whatever his name is) says he's out in the street, selling TVs and stuff, but would rather not define "stuff."
Clearly, I take the pimp's side all the mutha f*ckin time, but this Tonia, she spunky. Said she went over to a hotel where Jay at, kicking doors in n'shit. And that's what breaks my heart about this whole thing.
I feel like I knew Jay (who "has two children and a couple possibles") and Tonia within three minutes of the show and these two, they'd be pimpin' and sellin' TVs strong. They got some pizazz, business savvy and personal-relationship acumen.
But then Jay's saying that Tonia's crazy, that she needs some medication if she's saying she didn't know what's going on. He likened her to Chrissy on Three's Company, that she's having a "Chrissy moment." That's a tight, old-school reference.
From there, it delved into pimpitude qualifications and stereotypes. As in:
Jay: "Do I look like a pimp, your honor?"
Judge Toler: "They come in all different sizes and colors and everything."
Tonia: "And that was my fault 'cause I thought pimps was like Binkie on the movies. Loud colors and all that but he wasn't quite a Binkie."
I know not of this Binkie character, but he sounds alright to me.
And if he had anything to do with the birthday party that Tonia (a Hurricane Katrina cleaner-upper who wore "big drawers" and went to mortuary school, coming home smelling like dead-people chemicals) pulled up on and found Jay with three prostitutes outside, she went "all Billy Blanks." All she wanted to do was surprise him, too.
God do I wish Jay and Tonia lived in Philly. I would go over to their house with my video camera once a week and just let them riff on life and whatnot.
In any event, as a rule, what pimp money pays for, pimp hands should keep. But I'm going to extend courtesies to Tonia, who Jay didn't pimp out.
It is so ordered that these two should stay together.

Melissa Fields v. Rafael Marin


How do I put this delicately? I just can't.
Remember Blair's cousin Jerri on Facts of Life (if I spelled it wrong, I'm sorry, Blair and Jerri)? Me too. Vividly. And that's what Melissa Fields sounds like. And I couldn't get that out of my head.
Not when Melissa said that he told her he'd never been married before though he'd been married (if you believe her) four times or (if you believe him) twice.
Not when Melissa said she wanted him to lose his old friends since she "thought we'd meet some better people" when they moved in together.
Not when Melissa said that he started to both drink and chain smoke after they got married, despite three (or four previous DUIs).
Not when Melissa said that their first date was at a "porwnoe shop" after which they didn't speak for a week because she "thawht he used me as ah juan-night stand." (Fun fact: She said he brought her a diamond necklace next time he saw her. He pointed out to Judge Toler that it was fake. Zing.)
And not when Melissa said that "he duusn't desuurve nuuthing" in explaining why she kept all his property when they broke up.
Nope, I'm not even going to discuss it. Other than saying she looks like a chubby blond lawn gnome.
Because I want to talk about Baby, the centerpiece of World War Fields-Marin. Baby's the only victim here. Both of these people want custody of Baby. Melissa is even allergic to dogs, yet says that Baby "is my best friend. Not his."
Rafael told the court that "the only thing I ask for, she won't give it." Well, two things: the $6K entertainment center and the dog. (He chose dog over entertainment center, though.) At which point the bailiff Joe took Baby over to Rafael. Where Baby was pouting and laying with Melissa, Baby popped up, tail a-wagging when she got near Daddy-O. (Full disclosure: Tail was wagging when poochie went back to Melissa).
Even though Rafael is currently looking for a place to sleep, I ruled that Baby was better off with him.
Judge Toler didn't agree, merely granting one-week-a-month visitation.
Judge Toler was a cold-hearted sexist on this day.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Cynthia Brown vs. Shawn Brown

Let's see, today is Sept. 3, 2009, right? Why do I ask that simple questions. Oh, because right out of the gates, the Divorce Court screen says "Last Appearance: May 16, 2008." Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that can only mean Cynthia Brown and Shawn Brown that have twice taken their cases to Judge Lynn Toler in the past 16 months. But wait, it gets better: Factor in that the episode first appeared on Feb. 2, 2009 and the math tells me that they were there twice in just under the nine-month nick. Put another way, their rekindling love was prematurely proven impossible.
Only three words can describe that: Awe, some and awesome.
So here's the breakdown: In their first appearance, Shawn said the divorce was all over "some chicken tenders" whilst Cynthia claimed that while the two of them were outside one night, some tramp stopped her car and said, "Shawn where you supposed to be and when she didn't want to leave, I beat her through the window." Diet, cheating, violence. Three options right there.
Well, they got back together after May '08's Chicken Tender Battle. Cynthia says that for about five months, Shawn was fine, but then he went back to the trampin' about. Yet Shawn says that it only took about a week for her to get back to her Inspector Gadget mode. "Basically, I just want to get as far away from this woman as I can," he said. She's "back to her old ways. All crazy. And stalkin'."
He's a cabdriver, with a lot of ladies who call him, he says, for work. But when those ladies call, here goes Cynthia again, breaking glass and carrying on. "It's obvious he was out there cheating again," sayeth Cynthia, who checked his voicemails to make her case that customers were actually lovers. And when she called one of the girls, she heard, "He told me he had a roommate, not a wife."
I think I'm leaning toward Shawn, however, since Cynthia readily admitted that she chased him with a knife one night when he got home. But just as soon as I could type that, Shawn's gotta get all, "I don't want to be with a big girl anymore. I want a skinny girl." To defend himself, husky guy says that it bothers him that Cynthia's grown into being able to wear his clothes. Rut roh. Then, he said she pulled the fake pregnancy card on him. Even though he later found out she couldn't get pregnant. But that the test came up positive because she -- wait for it -- borrowed urine from a pregnant chick. Double rut roh.
Sounds as if we have a pair of very decent people at work here.