Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Jessica Carver vs Peter Dayton
On first blush, I was in Jessica Carver's corner. She was cute during the split-second show intro, in a daytime stripper kind of way. But then she opened her busted-up mouf, complaining about waffles and syrup all over the living room, saying Peter wanted to make her a trophy wife. This lent to the question of, What kind of trophy does a guy wit cornrows who works at Little Caesars want? Or, better yet, deserve?
So anyway, Peter says Jessica's jealous, controlling and unwilling to compromise. I think the complaints about waffle litter attest to all three of those things. "He's straight-up full-of-it," says daytime stripper who says he thought, after realizing she had a head on her shoulders, that "I can live off her."
From there, it turned into a "Who's more unstable" contest. Which is f'in awesome.
Round One: Peter took sheets off the bed, said he was going to hang himself from the balcony. Which is totally unstable, unless it's a 5'9 balcony and a 6'3 dude "hanging." Jessica went to sleep after he'd tried to hang himself.
I call that one a draw.
Round Two: In a heated argument, she scratched him up with a whole bunch of rings.
"I was bleeding, mauled. I didn't want to hurt her," he says.
"I'm sorry," interjected Jessica, "but you need to stop lying."
Added Peter, "At the time, I had an anger problem. I called the police to make sure it wouldn't get out of hand."
"Ooh hoo," Jessica retorted. "That was self-defense. ... He is playing that victim-card out."
Round Three: She's military. Once they broke up, she went back to Maryland. They traded lines on Myspace and he convinced her to come join him in New Mexico. She went, and while visiting him at "Sonic," his friends called her fat (she isn't) and ugly (up for debate, in a physical sense, when the strip-club lights are dim at least).
One time, he kicked her out and took a 17-year-old broke-up braces-sporting chick out on a date, a date that Jessica's money funded, mind you. When the cops arrived at that one, he told them she was a crazy ex who showed up all stalky.
Yet another draw.
All I can say is, thank Christ this wasn't a pay-per-view brawl. I'd be pissed to spend any more than $5.99 on it.