Well, I don't know how to git on up in this one other than offering a transcript of the opening of today's show. So, here goes transcribing:
Announcer: After 15 years of marriage, Jerry Chambers is divorcing Patsy Chambers because he's tired of her claims of being abducted by aliens.
Cut to Jerry Chambers: She always talkin' about UFOs, that she's been abducted.
Patsy Chambers: Oh, it started ever since I was a young child.
Judge Toler: Now I know what happened here... When you were at home, you looked at him and thought, 'He got on a lime-green suit, so I have to come in there with something just as jazzy and good.' Since I don't have anything lime green, I'm gonna break out the aliens.
Announcer: And Patsy says she wants a divorce because Jerry's gained too much weight.
PC: He eats bologna sandwiches, not with one piece of bologna, not with two pieces of bologna. The whole package. [Faux big-biting pantomimes.] Then he looks at me and says, 'This sho' is good. [More faux biting pantomimes.]
Fucking splendid. This is what it's all about, y'all!!! And I just don't mean this couple. This is what makes AMERICA great!!!
So anyway, Patsy is saying that Jerry's too fat, while Jerry saying he looks good. Honestly, I concur. Dude's pure pimpadelic. Even if he jumped from 175 to 350 lbs. Dude's smooth. Dude's a fashion icon. And he's all like "I'm not worried about my health. That's what I pay the doctors for." Besides, Jerry says, "she eat just as much pieces of chicken as me."
Yet despite all his dame's heckling, Jerry has the class to say, "She might have been abducted. But, I just thank God they brought you back and dropped you off 'nstead of keeping you up there in that spaceship."
"They didn't pick me up one time and I sleep next to her!" Jerry said while Patsy was breaking down how they just keep coming back. But then intergalactic details came back on Jerry's health.
Patsy: "Number one: They're not fat. They care about their health."
Jerry: "They ain't got no mouth. They can't eat!"
Toler: "You made that up!"
Patsy: "I did not! I did not!"
Jerry: "They look like ants."
Oh, side note: She also sees "dead people."
To which Toler says, "So, you see dead people. You visit aliens. And, you mad 'cause he's eatin' pork?"
Well, they delve into sobriety, lack of sex, book burning and other boring topics that really had no place entering a case about a guy who doubled his weight and a chick who be Reese's Pieces tight with E.T.
I, for one, believe. So please, Jerry, if you see this, use the comments section to phone home.