Monday, November 30, 2009

Al Montano vs Ivy Montano











Hear ye, hear ye: Al Montano is sick and tired of Ivy Montano and her daughter Christina Gobie digging deep for his gold. And Ivy Montano is sick and tired of Al Montano holding back on providing her with the manmeat he vowed to provide in sickness and in health. How's that for some inspiration after giving thanks!
"My wife and stepdaughters are lazy gold diggers who are just using me," sayeth Al right out the box. After getting up at 5 to workout, to work at 8:30 and then home after sometimes picking up his own groceries, the ladies of the home are "sometimes still sleeping or just watching TV; there's dog pukin' on the carpet, dishes all over the sink, the house is so untidy. It's like I'm supposed to go out there and bust my butt so people can just sit around and do nothing. ... I've had enough of it."
Then, stay-at-home wife Ivy said it's all untrue. "If he happens to see puke on the carpet, it probably just happened," sayeth Ivy, claiming bropiece is hooked on energy drinks and doesn't appreciate what she does around the house.
When the step-daughter took the dais, the waterworks began. Over her poor credit history. And mammy chimed in that there's some bi-polar action, and depression, goin' on. I'll tell you what: Christina Gobie looked a whole lot hotter after all this talk. But that's neither here nor there. She just a stepdaughter in this mix. And she's trying, Al, she's trying oh so hard, so lay the hell off. (Side note: Did I mention Gobie got hotter when you started talking about how crazy lazy she was? Oh, I did. Sorry.)
This house in Michigan, it would make the family on United States of Tara blush, pack up and leave. Man.
"All I'm good for is being a maid," Ivy says, "because there ain't no sex in our relationship."
Oh snap.
I mean, there ain't no sex in my relationship with Shakira either, but I ain't gonna get all confrontational about it.
Here's my ruling: Al, you make up for the sexual holdout by giving her daughter a gift certificate for implants. See it through to the climatic end, yo. Crazy, bad-credit ladies with jugz, they make the world go 'round.
Man, this went off on a weird tangent. That's what happens, I guess, when a gal that looks as if she's pushing 50 talks about how she goes out a few nights a week drinking tequila.
Montanos, you have redeemed humanity.

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