Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Luvinia Green vs. Ernest Green











Some people might look at Mr. Ernest Green and see your run-of-the-mill heavy machinery operator, but when I look at Mr. Ernest Green, I see a delicate flower that's been trampled upon. Case in point: his dame Luvinia has the gall to demand two car payments in return for their marriage severance when Ernest says she should be giving him $100K for taking her out of Illinois and dropping her into "this sunny of California, and she's non-supportive. This is the problem. She's not there for me. She's steady bringing me down instead of lifting me up."
I think one sentence sums the whole back story up: "The hair that she has, I bought the horse that put that on her head." Awesome.
Things get a little hinky when he gets to talking about how he lost his job. Luvinia was not supportive.
"He was on the job, he didn't even make the probabtionary period. And he just lost the job before that because he can't keep his mouth closed," sayeth Luvinia. "It was rules that he had the follow and he ain't the person of rules so he didn't follow the rules so he got fired."
She then added that Ernest is a cheater and a thief. She found this out by listening to his voicemails and establishing that he was at a hotel when she was at a hotel but he wasn't at the hotel she was at. Ernest, however, stands by his plant "evacuation" story. Make sense?
He then noted that he bought her what sounded like "chinchillas," "diamond rings" and "$1,400 worth of rims for the car."
The lesson here: Never look a horse that bears gifts of chinchillas and blinged-out rims in the mouth lest the gift well run dry. Even if you say the gifthorse only had "one pair of pants, two pair of gym shoes, a TV wit no remote and no place to stay" and sold, according to him, "used cars" in Gary, Indiana.
These folks going back and forth even caused the bailiff to chime in just before the most exciting game of "How Many Kids Do You Have" broke out. A few stats:
-- Luvinia and Ernest have no kids together.
-- Luvinia has two from a previous relationship.
-- Ernest says "I got a few kids."
-- Luvinia translates "few" as "11."
-- Smilin' Ernest corrects her: "13" but just "9" if it's only biological ones that count.
"She needs to go to jail for lying," Ernest notes.
Maybe so. But I'd be satisfied if Ernest goes to jail to prevent a Luvinia-involved procreation.
For shame.

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