Friday, September 25, 2009
James "Bathroom Rockstar" Evenson vs. Cheyenne "Fat Ass" Evenson
Well, this one got personal right out the trailer-park door.
Says Cheyenne Evenson: "I want to divorce this thing over here because he thinks he's a rockstar. He's ruining my life."
Says James Evensen after Cheyenne complained that he spent the rent loot on tats: "I have an image to uphold ... I look good and I know it. I'm frontman. Everybody looks at me."
Counters Cheyenne: "He's an electronics technician. He's not a rockstar. They play in a garage. Nobody sees them."
Au contraire, says James, noting that he made $250 one night chasing his dream.
Au contraire, retorts Cheyenne, noting "while we're getting ready to go out, look at my butt and tell me it's flat and saggy and tell me his is rounder and firmer. He'll go on a computer and get pictures of girls, that are photoshopped, and say you should look like that. How am I supposed to look like that when he controls everything I eat?!" (James said that yes, he writes up some foodie guidelines. I couldn't see asses for comparison's sake, though.)
That was just in the first five minutes, mind you. A pre-first-commercial extravaganza that featured the Cheyenne highlight of, "I'm living off cigarettes, coffee, a can of peas and half an apple."
Did I mention the Evensen marriage was 90 days old at this point? And that he already pulled the "man has needs" line when averring that Cheyenne gave it up once a week and that he had to buy $25 bottles of wine to even have a shot to get near Cheyenne's flat ass. "I'm French," she says of the wine. "He's always comparing his bold to mine."
I could go on, because this was just a quotefest on par with being backstage at a Dokken show. I mean, dude was wearing $1,100 pants to Divorce Court. "An investment," says James.
All of which is to say the call that Cheyenne intercepted -- it started "Hey baby" and ended with her learning that he was stamping some motel tramp on lunch breaks -- and Cheyenne smashing his car into a tree and then putting it back into its parking spot with $2,812.66 would normally stand out.
But not with these purebreds who exist Inna-Gadda-Da-Appalachia.
I felt like the human race regressed the day these people were born.